(9/16/09) old friends and sex; college girls' lingerie

(Entered in dream journal at 7:54 AM at Sit & Wonder cafe in Brooklyn.)

Dream #1

I walked down a sidewalk of brownstone buildings in the daytime. I was going to meet my old friend R and his wife L. I saw them sitting on a staircase in front of a brownstone. I may have been looking at my BlackBerry as I walked up to R and L. I put my BlackBerry down and then looked up at R and L.

We were now in a large restaurant, somewhat fancy, with tall walls. The walls and fixtures were all made of wood and brass. Natural daylight probably came in through windows. We walked up to a table that had booth seats on one side and chairs on the other, with the booth seats' back serving as booth seats' backs on the other side as well.

I may have been standing there by myself, looking at my BlackBerry. I walked over to a much larger booth table, where a lot of people were sitting. These people were all my friends. R and L may have been among them. Behind the people were two tall windows, letting in a dim view of a tallish, brick row building and a deep, clear, blue sky.

I watched a group of women walk out of the row building. The women were all young adults, with short, pale blonde hair and bronzed skin. They wore tight, sleeveless or tank-top shirts and carried boxes or plastic crates with them, as if they were moving out.

Among the women was my old friend PD, who looked odd with short, pale blonde hair. PD seemed to be looking in through the window and into the restaurant. I waved to PD, trying to get her attention. But she didn't seem to notice. She continued with the girls down to a vehicle, maybe a van.

I told everybody at the table (I was still standing), "That was PD! I tried to get her attention!" I wondered whether PD and the other girls were all lesbians. For some reason their hairstyles seemed lesbian to me. PD was now among the people at the table. The people at the table were all conversing casually.

I walked away, reading my BlackBerry. I was now in a room, which was still in the restaurant. The room was about twelve feet by twelve feet, with gentle, yellowish, natural light coming into the room. But the room felt run-down, like the paint on the walls was chipping and the wood floors were unpolished. Three chairs of tall, old wood stood side by side.

Behind the chairs stood a young, Japanese man. The man held a cloth bag and a black, cardboard box like a shoebox. The box had dimmish, silver-grey writing on it. The bag had a Takashi Murakami flower and logo on it. I realized, from the bag, that I knew the man.

As the man and I conversed laughingly about how we knew each other (by speaking about how we knew Murakami), either R or R and L walked into the room. I thought, If R knows I'm friends with this man, he'll try to destroy the friendship. I walked out of the room.

I was back in the main area of the restaurant. I sat down at a booth seat in a half-booth table, behind which was dimness and a bar up at the top of a roughly seven-foot-tall tier.

A woman sat next to me. She was pretty, maybe ten years older than I, with long, blonde hair and a red dress. We spoke for a while and then were home at the woman's apartment. We were in bed. I was on top of her, moving against her. The woman looked like Cindy Crawford: thin, with dark-tanned skin and brown-blonde hair. She wore black panties and a black bra. As I rubbed against the woman, she opened her mouth in a wide "O" of pleasure.

I was now walking out of a large apartment complex with my old co-worker BK. It was probably early morning, the clear sky a dim silver-blue. BK and I walked under some scaffolding near some tall buildings.

BK told me, "When I was first looking for jobs, I used DO" (an old boss of mine) "as a reference. But I then realized that was a mistake. DO always gives the most restrained, least positive opinion about anybody he has to give a reference for."

BK may then have asked whether I used DO as a reference. I felt bad for telling BK yes. So I went into some long speech about how at first DO had promised me he would give me a good reference.

We were now walking through a wide, vacant lot of asphalt which was worn and cracked, with patches of grass growing through in places. We crossed a street, probably to a large, clean parking lot at the end of which was a clean, tan and pink shopping mall lit in watery, white light. We then crossed the street, back to the asphalt lot. Across the lot was a tall, wide apartment complex atop a tall, torn-looking hill. BK And I walked down the vacant lot, to another set of buildings and scaffolding.

BK started jumping around with excitement, all fluttery, like a girl. He started talking about how excited he was about some party he was throwing. He asked me if I was coming. I may have wondered whether BK was gay. I then began whether I had had sex with the blonde woman or with BK.

Dream #2

It was black night. I walked (counter-clockwise?) around a square of dwellings like very small rooms separated from one another by thin walls. The rooms had ceilings like thatch or wicker. This square of dwellings was in the center of a lawny field.

The rooms were all dimly lit, some with fires, some, probably, with electric light. The rooms were all filled with colorful objects, mainly swatches of fabric for clothing. The rooms were all for college aged people. I didn't see a lot of people (maybe none, at first), although there was an atmosphere of people being around, a feeling of liveliness.

I started looking into each of the room-units. I occasionally saw women's clothes lying on the beds. I took looks through all the clothing, seeing what I might like to come back to and try on. I now came to a room, brighter than the others, lit by electric light, with a few people all lounging around, mostly on the bed. The people may have been members of my college comedy performance group, although I think they may all have been women.

The people told me they knew I'd been looking through all the women's clothing. They told me I'd be welcome to try on anything I liked. I may have spoken with them a little, partly trying to justify my habit, about how I chose the clothing I would try on. I may have seen myself trying on a classical pair of thick, satin panties by the light of a fire.

(9/18/09) lingerie triangle

(Entered in dream journal at 8:07 AM at Red Horse cafe in Brooklyn.)

Dream #1

I was in a department store. I saw that there was some extreme clearance sale on lingerie. I looked through some racks of stuff to see if there was anything I'd like to get. Nothing really caught my attention, and most of the racks around me seemed empty.

I saw, beyond some empty stretches of floor and a couple wall-like partitions, a couple bargain tables topped with plastic bins full of panties. I thought I might find something more interesting there. I walked over and began looking through the bins.

A female employee walked up to see if I needed any help. She was about six inches shorter than I, very skinny, with light brown skin and darkish blonde hair. She wore a blue or black polo shirt and khaki pants.

I told the woman that I was looking for nice lingerie for myself. The woman helped me look for things. She led me to some bins full of the same lingerie: panties and teddies of some material that was thin, like cotton, but also velvety, with various patterns printed on them in a pea-green color. At first we were finding "M" sizes, which I thought would be too big for me.

I got an erection as the girl continued helping me. I thought she was so enthusiastic that maybe she was turned on by the fact that I was a transvestite. I thought I might even get to have sex with her. I thought how nice it would feel to be inside her. But I wanted to try on all this lingerie in front of the woman first, to see if she'd like the way I looked. So I tried to lose my erection, so I could try on things without my erection showing.

I also wondered now if the girl weren't actually seventeen years old. I thought, If the girl's only seventeen, I'd better just forget things altogether. She wouldn't be old enough for me to have a relationship with.

The girl went away, possibly to find the items in an "S" size. Now a youngish, Hispanic man, also an employee, came to help me. We actually sat down at chairs at a round table that was topped with small, messy piles of panties. The man was tallish, thin, with clean-cut hair and mustache and small, round spectacles.

The man joked with me about it being a shock, expecting to see the girl coming back, but seeing him instead. I laughed and said that it was a shock. At some point I may have seen the girl approaching. But I didn't pay attention to the girl. I didn't want the guy to see me paying attention to the girl. I thought he would get angry that the girl liked me, and that he would then start causing problems between me and the girl.

(10/17/09) strong woman protects my love; pond of sea creatures; i toss out a good resume

(Entered in paper journal at 7:35 AM at Connecticut Muffin in Windsor Terrace, Brooklyn.)

Dream #1

I was in a dim room, something like a cafeteria (like a cafeteria in a Kmart my family used to shop at when I was a young child). I stood before a long counter. A pretty girl stood before me, behind the counter. She was short, blonde, and skinny. On either side of her were two partitions, maybe wood-framed, with translucent, but mottled, plastic. The girl and I seemed to be speaking friendly.

Suddenly R came up behind the counter from the left. He made a strange remark about how if I wanted this girl I wasn't going to have her. He slid out another partition between the first two. This partition was like a sheet of plywood pasted over with old newspaper pages. There were two eye holes in the board, so that I could at least see the girl's eyes.

I thought, I didn't want this girl, romantically, in the first place. Bust still, how dare R think he has the right to block me from somebody I'm interested in?

I now sat, reclining, on a bed in a large, dim room. A pretty, tiny, skinny, blonde girl lay in bed with me. The girl was topless. Below the waist she was covered with a lot of blankets.

I got up. I needed to take a shower. The girl got up as well, either following me or leading me down a filthy, neglected hallway. The long hallway was dim, as if the only light came from within the rooms along the hallway.

I heard a man say that the woman liked me and that I should be with her. I thought both that that couldn't be true and that she wasn't exactly the one I was interested in.

The woman now stopped before a door. I walked ahead a few steps before noticing. I turned back to look at the woman. She was topless, and she wore a black skirt. She said she was going into this room for a shower. I had a feeling she wanted me to join her. But I thought that would be too much of a commitment for me. I said that was the women's shower, and that I had to go to the men's shower.

I left the woman behind and walked ahead to the next bathroom. The sign on the door may have been a "women" sign.

I went in. The place was horribly filthy, horribly run-down. There was old water all over the floor. I stood in a weird compartment that looked partly like a public shower and partly like a toilet stall.

I started hearing people talk very badly about me, saying things that might even have been dirty. I got very frustrated. I felt like I didn't want to have any more to do with any of this. I may also have thought that I'd I'd thought I'd found someone who actually liked me, but that it now turned out she was one of the people gossiping against me. I thought I was through with everybody.

I was walking through a hallway which was in decent repair, carpeted, with white, stucco-like walls, almost like a college dormitory. A door was open. I saw inside, to a room which was like a dorm room, except that the floor of the room tiered down partway through.

A tall, muscular, black woman who almost looked like a man stood in the room, down on one of the tiers, so that from my view it looked like she was kneeling. The woman wore a red t-shirt that went down to just above her belly button. She was lifting weights, lifting shiny, black barbells up over, and then behind her head. Her stomach muscles showed as she did this.

I was immediately attracted to the woman, even though I couldn't tell for sure whether she was actually a woman. I walked into her room, possibly at her invitation. She'd finished exercising. I walked down the steps before me as she walked up a couple steps to my right.

The woman asked me if I was having a tough time in my life. I told her I was. She lay down on her bed, her back propped up against a pillow that was propped up against the wall. To the woman's right was a window through which a lot of bright light shone.

The woman now looked different. Her skin tone was a lighter shade of brown. Her hair was longer, possibly done in a pony tail. Her stomach was smoother. Her breasts were big, so that they lifted the shirt higher up from her bellybutton.

The woman told me not to worry about people who said bad things about me. I suddenly felt very attracted to the woman. I wanted to get in bed with her. But I was afraid she'd think I was dirty. I also still wasn't sure whether she was really a woman. But I really wanted to lay in bed with her and kiss her and stroke her stomach.

The woman's breasts may have grown, or her shirt may have gotten smaller. I could now see the undersides of the woman's breasts from underneath the bottom of her shirt.

(At this point I stopped writing at the cafe. I got onto the Q-train at Prospect Park to head into Manhattan. Once on the train, at 10 AM, I resumed writing.)

Dream #2

I stood out on the banks of a large pond or river. There may have been a few other people around. The day was sunny, blue, and warm. It may have been autumn. There seemed to be brightly colored leafs on the muddy ground.

I looked over a ledge of land, down maybe six feet, to the water. I may have seen a lot of fish under the surface of the brownish water. The fished looked huge. I thought I even saw a shark or a whale. I may have seen other people in the water, possibly in boats.

I thought I would test to see whether there were large animals in the water. I was afraid, but I jumped in. Under water, I opened my eyes. I saw a lot of large fish, not dense schools of fish, but a large number of fish, averaging about my size, all swimming around, scattered, by themselves. Some of the fish looked fleshy, like deformed, or skinned, humans. After some looking around, I found a gigantic creature, either a shark or a whale. I was excited but also afraid.

I surfaced. The water around me now looked like an ocean. The surface of the water was a steely grey, reflecting the grey of the sky.

I put my head below the water again. I swam around with my eyes open, although I was afraid to see what might come up from the invisible depths. Possibly, I thought, a shark would try to attack me. I looked forward as I swam.

Ahead of me, not too far away, was a whale. It looked like a humpback whale, but it was maybe only twenty feet long. It looked like it was going to jump out of the water. I surfaced to watch it. I called out to some of the other people, who, I remembered, were in the water, to watch the whale. The whale humped up and back down. I was very close to its tail as it splashed back into the water. I was afraid I'd get hurt. But I was untouched.

Now the water was brownish, more like a large pond again, and the sky was blue and warm. I was flying above the water, possibly upright, in a standing position, and skimming the water with my feet.

I saw the people in boats. I thought they were trying to do harm to the creatures in the water. I felt like I was smarter than the people in the boats. They really didn't, and probably couldn't, know how to treat the creatures kindly.

I had to play a trick on the people to keep them from hurting the creatures. This had something to do with putting my right (?) hand in the water and emitting something like an electric charge. This was a little scary for me, though. There were some vicious creatures in the water, I thought, that would bite my hand if they saw it.

I now flew very quickly. The pond came to a bottleneck at one of its ends, the other "end" seeming, rather, to go on like a wide river. The bottleneck was narrow and smoothly oval shaped. There was a long, narrow, oval, concrete fountain pool in the center of the bottleneck. The back end of the fountain pool sloped up, so that it almost looked like a chariot.

As I approached the bottleneck I gained speed, going, I feared, beyond my control. I thought it was fun but dangerous. With my right hand I grabbed onto the edge of the concrete fountain pool. I whipped around the back of the pool with my momentum, but finally came to a halt.

I was now standing on a narrow path, between some shrubs, just up the banks from the pond. I could possibly hear some people, maybe men and women about fifty or sixty years old, talking in the distance to my right.

I looked before me and saw a stone slab path and a stone slab rest area with some wooden benches. Near or on the benches was a plaque, maybe nine by twelve inches, saying that the benches were in honor of Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX, who had given a donation for the area.

I believe I had also seen, before I'd jumped into the water, a similar plaque, bearing the names of a different donor couple. I may now have stood before the current benches, trying to remember the names written on the plaque on the previous benches. I may have thought the donors were the same couple, or that the two couples had remarkably similar names.

(At this point I got off the Q-train and went into the Rose Main Reading Room of the New York Public Library, where I resumed writing at 10:49 AM.)

Dream #3

I sat in an office, possibly by myself. The office was bright with fluorescent light and natural light from a blind-drawn window wall to my right. The desk was an office desk. I sat before it, not behind it. I looked at a resume that I didn't like. I tossed the resume.

Later, there were two or three people standing behind me and on my right side. One of them tapped my shoulder. I looked up to see that it was my old department head, GR. He looked younger, and he had a full head of lightish brown hair, cut squarely, maybe one and a half inches long. He didn't wear glasses. His face was smooth and a little tan. He smiled at me and spoke kindly to me, as if he were being polite to someone whose good word would get him into this company.

I didn't quite recognize GR at first. When I finally did I couldn't get his name right in my head. I acted really happy to see GR, hoping that would make up for my having forgotten his name. I now realized that he was the person whose resume I'd tossed just a while ago. I kept racking my mind, trying to figure out the name on the resume. I was sure it had been different from GR's actual name.

Now another of my old department heads, and a mentor of mine, JS, walked up behind me and said some nice things. There was another desk to my right. JS sat behind the desk. GR sat before the desk. I could tell JS was interviewing GR for a position. I could also tell that JS, thinking highly of GR, would likely hire him.

I felt ashamed of having simply tossed away GR's resume without much thought. I buried my head in paperwork -- my desk, as well as JS's, was piled with paper. I tried to act ignorant of my having thrown GR's resume away and approving of JS's interview with GR.

I wondered, How could I have treated a person so good as GR with such coldness? How could I have tossed his resume, based on a few minor details, with so little thought, after all the nice things he'd done for me?

Then I suddenly remembered, or was pretty sure, that GR had, after all, used a different name on his resume, so that I hadn't been aware that it had actually been GR's resume I'd tossed. I may have tried again to remember the name on the resume.

(11/3/09) old friends and new; retrieving the troublemaker

(Entered in paper journal at 8:30 AM at Sit & Wonder cafe in Brooklyn.)

Dream #1

I was out on some walkway, like a promenade, but not a boardwalk (?), before a beach. The walkway was bordered by a large apartment complex, like a housing project building. I stood on something like a wheelchair ramp by the building with my co-worker and friend AR. We stood in the glare of pale, breezy sunlight. There might have been small pine trees nearby.

AR and I were talking about something like getting haircuts. AR might have just finished my hair, and now it was my turn to cut his hair. I had electric clippers in my hand. The clippers turned on and began vibrating to a worrisome degree. I looked at a dial on the body of the clippers. The clippers had a black, plastic body and silver, almost plastic-looking shears. The dial was silvery plastic, and it looked like the dial of an egg timer or an old clothes dryer.

I made some jokey kind of gestures, mocking panic about the clippers going out of control. Somebody's hair seemed to be falling to the ground in wet, black squares about an inch long. I may have seen a paper plate somewhere, for collecting the hair. AR and I were now both laughing at what was apparently a pretty good joke.

Now either my old friend BC came up, or else my old friend R came up and later on turned into BC. BC looked older, more grizzled, with a full beard. He wore a faded, green shirt and a faded, blue undershirt. He was walking away, as if he lived in the apartments and was heading out for the day.

I was surprised to see BC. I called for him. He stopped and turned so he side-faced me with his left side. He turned his face all the way toward me. I couldn't quite remember BC's name, and I kept trying to call him by his last name, never quite saying it because I never quite had it right in my head.

BC spoke with a kind of scruffy-western character to his voice. He said he was going to meet R somewhere. I worried that R might come here. Here I was, I thought, having a good time with a friend, and now R would come and wreck this relationship. But, I though, maybe that's not true. After all, AR was a guy. R wouldn't be jealous of me because of a friendship I was having with a guy, would he?

Dream #2

I was out on something like a dirt road near a vast field like a sports field. It was black night, and the road was lit by a string of dimmish, orange streetlamps. I stood with a group of men. A couple of the men were my age. The other was older, kind of like our leader or teacher.

There had been some kind of conflict between us and some other man who was about my age. The man had been proven wrong in one of his actions. He was thought, now, at least by me, to be a kind of wild, mean-spirited person.

But now that everything had been settled, the older man wanted us to get the young man back into our group. The man had run off down the road, to my right. I went in search of the man. I ran to a portion of road lined on either side by hills about thirty feet tall. The hills were covered with shortish, widely spaced pine trees.

The orange lights seemed to light this area a bit more fully than they had lit the section of road by the playing field. There were a lot of people wandering about on the road and a little way up the hills -- small groups of people spaced somewhat widely apart, yet all together, as if having a picnic.

I saw the young man. He might have looked like my old friend R. He was talking in a kind of mean voice, but he sounded more hurt than angry. He sounded like he might want to be back with the group, but he didn't know whether he could trust them.