(10/16/04) snakes on my ass; too young for a car

(Dreams entered only in daytime paper journal. No time/place info for entry.)

Dream 1

I was flying through the clouds on a relatively blue day. I may actually have also been in an airplane, just a small one. I did, however, see down through the floor of the plane, which I feel was some kind of shiny, red, thin plane more like a spaceship than a normal airplane.

I thought to myself something like, If I do this to her, it isn't that bad. I must be able to free myself from my guilty feelings.

Suddenly I was no longer in the plane but simply flying through the clouds. At some point I was holding tight to a woman. She could also fly. We barreled through the clouds, rolling tightly, possibly to preserve the flying height and speed.

But now we were beginning to descend. We dropped down toward a sea in a wide, gradual arc that became sharper. At some point we split apart and turned ourselves around so we could land in the sea feet first.

I was afraid that when I landed I would be smashed by the force of the water. But it turned out that when I "hit," simultaneously with the woman, I, as she, softly but rapidly cleared the water as if falling in from a drop of only a few feet.

We now surfaced, some distance away from one floating platform, but possibly also just to the left of another one. On the platform in the distance was a serious-looking, older man in some kind of ceremonial robe. There may have been an actual spaceship (saucer) above and behind him. We could see that he was angry at us. We may possibly have floated toward him slowly.

Now we were in a room, possibly in the spaceship, though it seemed more like a living room. I and the woman sat on the floor. The man, now possibly an older, thinner man, sat on a tall chair over us. I was now much less conscious of the woman, although I knew she was there.

I had some small, thinly constructed, plastic objects in front of me. They were about the size of Monopoly game pieces, but they were like blue and pink, thinly wired baskets. There may also have been some purplish spheres of plastic, a dusky, grayish amethyst color.

I vaguely thought about moving these plastic objects and found that they were moving as I had been vaguely thinking. I now practiced willing them a little more to move. I noticed that I wasn't quite as able to move the objects, though they were still moving.

I now "remembered" (?) having been in a swamp full of snakes, many of which were trying to attack me. I thought now in this room that I figured upon reaching the swamp's pale green, mossy shores that I had escaped all the snakes. But I now felt pain all over my ass. Small, black "snakes" about one and a half inches long and maybe an eighth of an inch wide were attached to me and biting me and sucking my blood. I began picking them off my ass. I knew that their attack had hindered me from continuing my studies of telekinesis.

Dream 2

I was on some kind of fence or some thin platform, holding an aluminum pole and working on some tarp material that served as a ceiling. This wasn't in a parking lot, but some kind of asphalt lot or dirt lot in the middle of the wilderness.

A lot had happened before this. But now I was talking to some fat kid with curly blonde hair. I was telling him, as I worked on the ceiling, about a few different models of cars. They weren't quite cars -- I could see them in my head. But they were something new that everybody wanted, in the same way that people want cars.

I spoke chiefly of the prices. I started with a couple really expensive models. Then I spoke of one model that was almost as good as the other models but was only $1,995 (?).

As I said this I was hammering something through the tarp and into one of the ceiling corner poles. The kid had been on a pole beside me. But now he had hurried off and away from the "tent" to go tell his mom about the good price for this "car." He ran off to some building in the distance. It was a short, tight, dusty, brick building.

I went after the kid, who hadn't exactly run into the building. I thought, I have to stop him. He needs to know he isn't old enough to get these kinds of things yet. He can't ask his mom to give it to him.

Instead of heading to the building, though, I headed toward a cheap, white hatchback about fifty feet from the building. The kid sat in the car, at the driver's seat. Another kid sat beside him. They were both looking at magazines.

The kid told me (though a closed window) that he was waiting in the car for his mother. It wasn't necessarily to ask for a "car."

The hatchback the kid now sat in was something like one of these "cars," as if the kid had had one all along. I now, though, felt like it was certain that the kid's mother would be very judgmental toward me. I was ashamed, but I also wanted to hide the shameful thing I had done, whatever it was. I now somewhat "melded" with the kid, taking a backwards-glancing interest in the magazine a kid was holding, as if that would stop the mother from being disgusted with me.

(3/22/06) being followed; under suspicion; swiftly tilting

(Entered in paper journal at 5:41 PM at Mid-Manhattan Library at 40th Street and 5th Avenue in Manhattan.)

Dream 1

I walked through narrowly perceived spaces, some internal, some external. A young, black boy followed me. I felt like he was trailing me. I wanted him to get away from me. But I also didn't want to "give him the slip" and somehow substantiate his motives for following me.

We walked along forest trails and through "houses" that were "offices." It all seemed like a track or a ride in an amusement park -- somehow stagey, not enclosed, but narrowly perceived.

Dream 2

I was on a bus. I sat at an aisle seat. A black boy on the aisle seat in front of me and to my right, i.e.

looked back at me around the edge of his seat-back. He said my name. I asked him how he knew my name.

I don't know if I forget or if my thoughts changed. But it now seemed like I knew him, too. I felt uneasy around him, like I was under suspicion. But I also spoke regularly and happily about regular things.

Dream 3

I don't know where I was -- high up in the air, possibly on the edge of something (like Hans Pfaal's moon balloon?). My sight was of the blue sky on a beautifully sunny day and just the tangent of something off-white -- maybe:

I feel like the object I was on was lenticular

and rubbery, with something coming off its top like a pagoda

of very thin wood, delicate.

I was possibly "myself/a woman" -- "two in one." I heard/thought "my/a woman's" voice speak of a bird-god/goddess (who was, as goddess, the woman) who called birds, maybe one certain kind of bird, to a "corner" of the earth.

I imagined (spontaneously, but not quite fully) an enormous hawk -- human-sized, very pale red-tan. Then I imagined a flock of similarly colored birds fluttering from left to right, superimposed over the profile of the hawk's head, which faced right.

"The woman/goddess/I" sounded weak, distracted (as if in reverie), but unmistakably godly. The speech was of the woman calling to the birds. The birds flew to the corner of the earth, "So fast," "she/I" said, "that the earth" -- ("I" felt the earth getting ready to tip at "her" command. "I" thought, No. Don't let her say it tipped.) -- "was knocked into an even quicker spin."

I felt the birds approaching. They were far off still, but they also had already reached the corner of the earth.

"I/the woman" continued: "The spinning became so fast and violent that finally the earth flipped over."

Again "I" thought, Please, no, I couldn't take the pain of the earth tipping.

Instead of the earth tipping I was descending into the ocean. I now plunged deep, deep down below the surface. I was above the sea floor.

"The woman" (no longer "I") continued narrating. She told of a civilization buried beneath the water. She also told of a dangerous shark that killed but that also led a group of some kind of creatures.

First I saw the shark. The woman warned me to stay away and not draw attention to myself. Now slowly the ancient city appeared. The shark traveled through the city along some canal-like road. There were gate-like structures at intervals

and some plain buildings like stone houses. I saw it all like I was on a hillside.

I was surprised that everything was in black and white. but it also made sense to me somehow, like the city had lost something.

Now I saw the shark's legions following behind him. At first they were some kind of disgusting creature -- unnameable, black and furry, like black rats, except made of glop, not flesh. I hated it -- I knew I was one of them. I again thought, Please don't let this be -- I couldn't stand being one of them. Now they were all black dogs. I was still disgusted, but I could tolerate it.

I was now in an enormous, opulent restaurant. A conference had just been held. It was now over. A line of people were piling out. One of them, a woman I had flirted with, came up to me and acted flirty, but in a needy way. I now saw how old she was. I tried to "cancel out" the flirty direction of our interaction. But I kept flirting instead.

The woman was handing me some files. I kept looking at the door. I hoped that either she would leave or that I could get away. I slowly felt more and more embarrassed that I had flirted with her in the first place.

But even now, apparently regretful of flirting, I was right up on top of her, even bending my right leg so that it went in between her legs. (She wore a miniskirt.) As time went on, her hair got more and more frazzled.

(3/23/06) the skyscraper and the flying saucer; passive-arrogant;citizen kane monologues; no fruit for Lent

(Entered in paper journal at 8:14 PM on Brooklyn-bound Q-train from 57th Street and 7th Avenue in  Manhattan.)

Dream 1

I saw a city at night -- rather primitive houses surrounding a tall building like a mix of a new skyscraper made of dark glass and Seattle's Space Needle, with a wide, square base.

A huge, jellyfish-shaped object like a flying saucer flew down onto the building. It had a square in its center just fitting the building's square base.

I felt that somewhere, either in the city or in the city-sized flying saucer, there was some kind of rebellion. I felt like the rebellion in the city would have been because the flying saucer would crush the city. But I realized that the revolt "probably" wasn't coming from the city.

I saw, like I was near the building, the building enter into the flying saucer. The innards were at first jagged and boxy, like nighttime skyscrapers turned at all different angles. But soon, possibly out of anger, the shapes all turned gooey and gummy, though keeping that technological dark glass under-lighting.

Dream 2

I was in a room with my friend Y. We went form the room out onto a street, walking and talking. We were then in a car, traveling through a slightly busy city.

I saw an advertisement -- a close shot of a hand on a body or two close bodies in erotic contact. The shot was in black and white. It then became a color-negative image, so the shadows were lime green highlights and the "black and white" was more copper and sepia. But when I noticed the change, the ads took on a normal color scheme.

The whole time, Y and I had been talking about normal things and how I was sorry I hadn't spoken with her in so long.

But now I "was in' a different conversation. I could hear my friend R's friend KZ talking about someone, either Y or me, about how that person was a know-it-all, but how that person acted like a know-it-all in such a meek way that anybody who called that person arrogant would seem either jealous or pathetic or cruel. I hoped KZ wasn't talking about me, even though I also felt guilt, like KZ was correct.

I stood indoors somewhere with a lot of people, fact to face with Y. Y had a zip-up hoodie sweater on, a pale, dirty blue. Some man's hand touched the zipper near Y's collarbone. Y got mad but didn't act as indignantly as she usually would. She said, "Don't touch me like that."

I looked to my right to see who the man was. At first it was Y's father.

(Continued writing at 9:01 PM at home in Brooklyn.)

I wanted to call out to him, but I couldn't remember his name. By the time I remembered, he'd changed into someone else: a younger, strong person with kind of dark, red-blonde hair and a kind of red, sunburned face.

Dream 3

I walked up a street in a nice city as I heard a movie, like somewhere I was actually watching the movie. It was Citizen Kane. At first, Kane's wife gave a monologue on how poorly Kane treated her. Then it changed to a character (played by Rita Hayworth) giving Kane a speech like, "Well, at least I know what kind of person you are now. I guess I'll just have to deal with it."

Hearing the monologues I thought, I must really have grown over the years. When I first watched Citizen Kane speeches like these, they just breezed past me. I had no idea what they meant. Now I finally understand.

Dream 4

I was in a car, driving through a busy but slightly dilapidated, somehow Latin-seeming, town. I was looking for fruit. But because it was Lent, no stores had fresh fruit. I rode past fruit carts, bodegas, and grocery stores. One store even had a huge sign over it that advertised that they had no fresh fruit. I thought maybe I should be fasting anyway, since it was Lent.

Then I went into a grocery store. They had no fresh fruit. But the older fruit they had looked fine. But I didn't want to be seen buying fruit. I knew it was a sign of weakness not to fast for Lent.

(6/23/07) the giant fly; what i never saw; two girls in one; lucid in reality

(Entered on Q-train, but don't know when.)

Dream #1

I lay in bed. I opened my eyes and looked at the wall (to my left). An insect, a small roach, I thought, climbed quickly down the wall. I was disappointed to have a roach in my house. I thought I would get up and kill it. But now I saw two on the wall. I thought I might be seeing things.

I closed my eyes and opened them again. There were lots of insects (flies?) climbing all over my wall. I leaped out of bed, possibly in a straight-bodied roll parallel to the floor and landing in a crouch facing the wall. The wall was full of insects. I wondered what I could do to get rid of the insects. I thought I might have to call an exterminator and leave my house for a little while.

Down on the lower, right section of the wall, or perhaps on the "left foot" corner of my bed, was a fly about the size of my fist. It seemed to call for me, and to control all the other insects so that they, too, would call me. I was afraid, but I got closer. The giant fly made a semi-melodic, buzzing sound, almost like wings beating against a champagne flute. The fly's body was spiny and shine, an orange-green, reflective color. It had orangish wings.

Dream #2

I walked into a nice, big dining room. There might not have been any table. The room was narrow and long. The walls were wood. Some dim, warm daylight came through a yellowish curtain at the other short end of the room. The door I walked in through was at the lower part of the right long wall. A little farther up that wall stood my co-worker and good friend CL. Between us was a chest of drawers.

I walked in and immediately turned to face the chest. CL asked me if I had brought XXXXX (can't remember). I had some green, fleshy-looking sack in my hands. I cut it open and pulled out a "flying saucer." This was something like a silver table ornament or serving tray. It looked like a cake tray with no glass top and with ridges or slots all through it. I put it on the chest.

I thought CL might be trying to hide this object from others, as part of an overall conspiracy. I thought CL might be trying to convince me as well that I hadn't seen the flying saucer. CL very harshly asked me a question insinuating that I had already told my co-worker JB about the flying saucer. I became tense and slightly afraid.

Dream #3

I sat in the front row at some show. The seating was all rows of folding chairs. The floor was white tile. The lights were brightish orange and fluorescent. The place was full of people. The "stage" was level with the floor. On the back wall (a back wall) was a screen against which was projected a karaoke video.

A song started up. The girl to my left, who looked like my co-worker and fellow-Assistant FA, said, "Oh, you should sing this one! You love these guys!" It took me a second before I recognized the song as a Smashing Pumpkins song.

But I couldn't "catch" the words fast enough to begin singing with the music. Plus, the words on the screen weren't the same as the words to the song. And the video would occasionally fade in and out unexpectedly. I  told the girl that I did love this song, but that I didn't know it well enough to keep up.

I began cuddling with the girl. She had nice, dark skin. She wasn't thin, but she had the prettiness of a thin girl.

I was disappointed in myself for being so boring that I couldn't sing a song.

I now sat laying across the girl's chest. The girl now looked like one of my good friends, PD. She was still not thin. She wore a pastel turquoise-green, soft-fabric shirt. Below the collar, squared holes were cut out to look like an Egyptian necklace. The fabric between the holes was also strung in a way to look and feel like beads.

I ran my left finger along this "necklace" collar-piece. I also touched some jewelry on the girl's right upper arm. I felt like a child. I hoped this wouldn't turn the girl off and that we could still have sex. The girl said, "I will miss you very much when I am gone."

Dream #4

I woke up from a dream. I stood out of my bed by the foot of the bed and walked to the wall facing the foot of the bed. There was a wooden ladder folded against the wall. I was going to take it away from the wall, but I hung on one of the steps and looked at my wall. There was a yellowish, chipped substance dirtying the wall.

I didn't remember such messiness. At first I thought, Well, maybe I don't look at this wall well enough to have seen this dirty patch. Then I thought, No. This wall is different in another way: it's missing its little framing decorations: it's just completely smooth.

The discrepancy between this wall and my normal perception of my bedroom wall made me wonder where I was. I told myself, I just woke from a dream. I have to be awake. But I was now getting the strange feeling that life was a dream, and that I could wake into lucidity from waking life just as I would wake into lucidity in dreams.

I did something like what a person would do holding his breath and bracing for a plunge into a swimming pool. I thought, This is exactly what people think can't be done. And I'm trying to do it.

I felt the electric buzz (which, as I'd read in the literature, was a precursor, not for lucid dreams, but for out-of-body experiences). But when lucidity came, I realized that this had all been a dream after all. I wasn't "lucid" in (or ex-) reality. I was only lucid in my dream.

I wanted to explore the lucid dream, but I didn't believe I could imagine anything other than what I was presently seeing: the ladder and the wall. So I told myself, You are going to turn around clockwise. As you complete the turn you will wake back into waking life and you will be back in bed.

But even as I "held my breath, braced," and turned, I thought, Why am I doing this? If I'm lucid I should go exploring. But it was like I couldn't control myself, like I was being controlled by another will and now was in a gravitational spin that I couldn't pull out of.

(4/14/08) jets and highway murder

(Entered in paper journal at 5:30 AM on Q-train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.)

Dream #1

I was watching a television show about jets. Then it was like I was actually in a plane, looking down on the jets as the narrator discussed them. My brother was with me. I pointed out each jet to him.

We would gain altitude to reach each new grouping of jets. I was afraid of gaining so much altitude, but I didn't show it, and I was happy to see the jets up so close.

I pointed out one of my favorites to my brother, one called the Skylab. It had three wings in a triangular configuration and a sloping nose. There was another large plane that flew alongside it. After that was a "scout plane" with a disc-like or flying-saucer-like front end. My brother didn't seem to be interested in any of these jets.

I had seen this whole progression of jets before, on television, and I knew there would be a last jet to follow, which would head straight up into the sky. I hoped we would follow this jet soon.

But now my brother and I were in a car on a highway, in a shallow recess between two slopes. As we approached a bridge that passed over the road we were on, I looked out my side of the car (the right side?) and saw a little, Hispanic boy (or girl?). We must have been driving at normal speed. But now it seemed like we were driving at a walking pace. The little, Hispanic child had been killed. His arms and legs were taped together. Beside the child were various cultic objects, like candles.

I wanted to get out of the car to tend to the dead child, but I thought it wouldn't be smart. The people who had killed the child might still be around. This might be a trap.

As we passed under the bridge I saw the rest of the family lying in the dirt. They all were also all dead and taped up. There also seemed to be a table and food, all overturned, like this had been the family's house. The mother's eyes were open, and it was like she was looking at me. I thought, I've never seen a dead body before.

I might have been driving the car. I told my brother to call 911. I gave my brother my cell phone. We had called 911 and gotten to a turnoff from the highway into a part of a turn like an industrial park.

I now thought I needed to head back to where we had come from. Somebody was supposed to arrive here after us, but I wanted to get to them and warn them that the might have trouble doing so.

But when I tried to get back onto the highway, a female police officer stopped me. The highway had been closed, the officer explained, while the murder of the Hispanic family was being investigated.

(10/13/09) blackbird and flying saucer crash

Dream #1

It was a hot night in a big city. The grid of the city was lit with yellow, orange, and red. The lights made the city look like it was on fire.

A flying saucer and an SR-71 crashed over the city. The flying saucer and the SR-71 were enormous, large enough to smash a couple buildings below them.

The SR-71, besides being much larger than usual, didn't look much different from a normal SR-71. The flying saucer had white plates all around its body, like heat tiles on a space shuttle.

The two craft lay tilted toward each other, making a shallow V-shape. I could see as if I were floating between the two craft and facing the cockpit of the SR-71. The cockpit was lifted just slightly. From under the cockpit pulsed a red light. There was a pulsing sound, possibly coming from both craft.

I knew that there was some danger with the SR-71, either that it had a nuclear bomb on board or that it was itself a nuclear bomb. Now that the two craft had crashed, the nuclear bomb was activated. The city was doomed.