(4/1/05) don't feed the animals; kissing her thigh

(Entered in paper journal at 6 PM at Starbucks on 110th and Broadway in Morningside Heights.)

Dream 1

I saw an American Egret walking along a small, stone fence or barrier with occasional, small, tower-like posts on top.

The fence or barrier bordered an asphalt road and some round hillside, probably of grass. It was like I saw the egret while recording it and then reviewed the recording because the event shocked me so much. But all I remember now is the reviewed recording.

The egret walked up to the fence, stretched its neck out, and grabbed some white lump of food that looked like an enormous tablet.

This was inappropriate food. The egret walked along the fence to the right and then out of sight.

I continued recording, moving the view to the left, and, reaching another tower, I saw, just on its left side, as I turned around, a small (maybe six-inch-long) fish, which I may have called a shad. I stopped walking and did a close-up on the fish, getting more and more frustrated as I understood that it had left its natural food to eat synthetic food that wasn't even nutritional.

Dream 2

I was in a train station with a Latina woman. She sat in a chair that was something like a school desk. I was on my knees on her right side. She wore some kind of brown and tan, flower-print blouse and white jeans. I was playing some kind of flirting game with her, rather harmless. But then I bent over and kissed her thigh, which was apparently some extremely sexual act.

(3/22/06) being followed; under suspicion; swiftly tilting

(Entered in paper journal at 5:41 PM at Mid-Manhattan Library at 40th Street and 5th Avenue in Manhattan.)

Dream 1

I walked through narrowly perceived spaces, some internal, some external. A young, black boy followed me. I felt like he was trailing me. I wanted him to get away from me. But I also didn't want to "give him the slip" and somehow substantiate his motives for following me.

We walked along forest trails and through "houses" that were "offices." It all seemed like a track or a ride in an amusement park -- somehow stagey, not enclosed, but narrowly perceived.

Dream 2

I was on a bus. I sat at an aisle seat. A black boy on the aisle seat in front of me and to my right, i.e.

looked back at me around the edge of his seat-back. He said my name. I asked him how he knew my name.

I don't know if I forget or if my thoughts changed. But it now seemed like I knew him, too. I felt uneasy around him, like I was under suspicion. But I also spoke regularly and happily about regular things.

Dream 3

I don't know where I was -- high up in the air, possibly on the edge of something (like Hans Pfaal's moon balloon?). My sight was of the blue sky on a beautifully sunny day and just the tangent of something off-white -- maybe:

I feel like the object I was on was lenticular

and rubbery, with something coming off its top like a pagoda

of very thin wood, delicate.

I was possibly "myself/a woman" -- "two in one." I heard/thought "my/a woman's" voice speak of a bird-god/goddess (who was, as goddess, the woman) who called birds, maybe one certain kind of bird, to a "corner" of the earth.

I imagined (spontaneously, but not quite fully) an enormous hawk -- human-sized, very pale red-tan. Then I imagined a flock of similarly colored birds fluttering from left to right, superimposed over the profile of the hawk's head, which faced right.

"The woman/goddess/I" sounded weak, distracted (as if in reverie), but unmistakably godly. The speech was of the woman calling to the birds. The birds flew to the corner of the earth, "So fast," "she/I" said, "that the earth" -- ("I" felt the earth getting ready to tip at "her" command. "I" thought, No. Don't let her say it tipped.) -- "was knocked into an even quicker spin."

I felt the birds approaching. They were far off still, but they also had already reached the corner of the earth.

"I/the woman" continued: "The spinning became so fast and violent that finally the earth flipped over."

Again "I" thought, Please, no, I couldn't take the pain of the earth tipping.

Instead of the earth tipping I was descending into the ocean. I now plunged deep, deep down below the surface. I was above the sea floor.

"The woman" (no longer "I") continued narrating. She told of a civilization buried beneath the water. She also told of a dangerous shark that killed but that also led a group of some kind of creatures.

First I saw the shark. The woman warned me to stay away and not draw attention to myself. Now slowly the ancient city appeared. The shark traveled through the city along some canal-like road. There were gate-like structures at intervals

and some plain buildings like stone houses. I saw it all like I was on a hillside.

I was surprised that everything was in black and white. but it also made sense to me somehow, like the city had lost something.

Now I saw the shark's legions following behind him. At first they were some kind of disgusting creature -- unnameable, black and furry, like black rats, except made of glop, not flesh. I hated it -- I knew I was one of them. I again thought, Please don't let this be -- I couldn't stand being one of them. Now they were all black dogs. I was still disgusted, but I could tolerate it.

I was now in an enormous, opulent restaurant. A conference had just been held. It was now over. A line of people were piling out. One of them, a woman I had flirted with, came up to me and acted flirty, but in a needy way. I now saw how old she was. I tried to "cancel out" the flirty direction of our interaction. But I kept flirting instead.

The woman was handing me some files. I kept looking at the door. I hoped that either she would leave or that I could get away. I slowly felt more and more embarrassed that I had flirted with her in the first place.

But even now, apparently regretful of flirting, I was right up on top of her, even bending my right leg so that it went in between her legs. (She wore a miniskirt.) As time went on, her hair got more and more frazzled.

(10/27/06) convenience store politeness; your beloved island of san francisco

(No paper journal entry info.)

Dream 1

I was in a convenience store. I acted nice to the guy behind the counter, and he acted nice to me. I got some coffee.

I was at another store. It was almost like the first store but from the front instead of the side (I have no idea what that means). Both stores were dim with a greenish light. I may have been with someone else.

There were two people behind the counter. One -- the younger? -- was about to give me a hard time. But the other said, "No. Leave him alone. Don't you know who he is?" He was polite to me and I was polite to him.

Dream 2

A preview for a movie where Steve Martin is among a community of black workers or slaves. It had a weird setting, as if it were today but way back in the 1700s as well.

The opening scene showed a line of black people walking through a room. The narrator talked about a sad town. Then Steve Martin in his suit -- sport jacket, t-shirt, etc., kind of typical Steve Martin -- was walking in the line. He was the only white person.

I thought, Oh god, not another movie about one smart white person. I kept hoping to see other white people. And I kept hoping that not all of them would be in this "smart guy" kind of role like the Steve Martin character.

In the next scene, a pretty, black girl in a red dress walked down a 1700s-style alley lined with burlap sacks and wooden crates of food with a white man whol looked like an obese version of Rip Torn. The man wore a white suit which was sweaty and dirty with days of continuous use. He carried a sausage on a toothpick and was nibbling away at it while he spoke to the woman, trying to attract her.

I understood somehow (by the narrator?) that the white men had either been trapped here or had come here as partners to make money and weren't quite able to leave yet. Resigned to their fate, the Steve Martin character was trying to do good for the people here, while the Rip Torn character was trying to live a sensual life the best he could, and at least squeeze a few bucks out of this place.

The Rip Torn character said to the girl, who was very modern, "What kind of news do you think it would be if I told you I thought you were adorable?"

The girl said, "What kind of news? Oh, timely, frightening." (As if to say, "Oh, unsurprising, but why would I be with a bear like you?")

I could tell the man was actually making romantic progress with the girl. But I thought over the statement, "Timely, frightening."

I was by myself in an alley in the dark. It was somewhat like the one in the movie -- cobble streets, a clunky, old feeling. I got to a regular asphalt street. Some garbage truck drivers were just driving away.

I was trying to figure out the time period for the movie, and what "timely, frightening" meant. But for some reason (happiness?) I began flying.

It was misty, early morning. I thought I was flying through Harlem -- the buildings looked somehow familiar. I was still in an alley. I would power up high (ten stories?) quickly and soar quickly, feeling a great exhilaration.

I tried to fly above the builiding tops, to see what the roof of my old building looked like. But I got jumbled up somehow and fell back to the ground. I charged straight upward and was almost immediately above the buildings. But now everything was confused and strange, like the buildings were all crowded over one another.

I thought, If I go down a little I'll be able to sort out where I am. I went down, but I couldn't figure out where I was, so I went back up. Finally, having hoped to land on the roof of the building I'd lived in in Harlem in 2004 and 2005, I landed on the nearest roof. It was early, grey morning. The building I'd landed on was part of a complex of buildings. It all felt very structured, but shabby and run down.

A voice (an older, fat man with thick, black beard and thick but balding hair?) said, "Now we're very lost. Now you'll never get off your beloved island of San Francisco."

I thought, San Francisco? That's not where I am.

Somehow I could see off a corner of the building (smaller now, and I sat against a

style window-well that ran into a sloped, blackish metal roof) to my right, to an old lady working in a garden. The garden was full and green, but surrounded by rusty metal like weeds in a junkyard.

Slowly, or, rather, imperceptibly, the woman became younger -- a young wife -- and was joined by a husband and daughter. The window was now part of a nice house in a suburb, and the garden was a plain, old vegetable garden on the side of the house.

I had to find a way to get away. I hoped I could fly, but I knew I had tapped out most of my power. But I couldn't let the family see me -- they would think I was a pervert or a thief spying on them from their roof.

Eventually the garden faded into a garage. The family was inside working on something. While they weren't looking I jumped into a plane tree in the front yard. It was sunny and humid outside, like it had finished raining. The canopy was wet, but was also slimy. I could only stay on the limbs for so long before they would crack with rot and fall to the ground. I had to jump from limb to limb. I had to fly out of the yard before the family saw me, but I felt like I didn't have enough power.

The daughter was telling some story about a song from the 1970s. I was surprised she knew it.

I went ahead and jumped to the edge of the yard, into the next door neighbors' yard. I tried to fly all the way, but I just kind of floated clunkily down. When I hit the ground I tried to boost up into the air. But all I managed was a leap about three feet or so up. I was in the midst of a thick plant like a tomato plant with an occasional "tomato," which would be yellow like a pepper and tough -- like a squash?

The daughter came out of the garage. She cried that she noticed me, that she had noticed me for a long time, and how could I have thought I'd get away with being such a pervert?

(7/17/08) flirting with boss' girl; irreparable damage

(Entered in paper journal at 5:32 AM on 2-train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.)

Dream #1

I was in a place like an empty cruise ship bar with my boss BS. BS stood behind the counter, which was made of material like a fake-leather seat (an orangish light brown). Behind BS was a wide window with a view of a harbor (?).

BS had been trying to push me into doing something, maybe seeing a specific movie. But when I was visibly annoyed with his insistence, he apologized and said he wouldn't push me.

BS handed me a "cutout from a newspaper," which was thicker than newsprint or normal paper, maybe even as thick as a piece of kraft board, like the paper that makes cereal boxes. The clipping was maybe two inches wide and six inches long. It was an ad for a new movie theater and a movie BS thought I should see. I walked away, as if we were done talking.

Now the place was a bar with a strange harbor motif, all made out of grey, old wood, with thick line strung about as railings. BS stood on a level slightly above me and before the bar. He held a pretty, brunette girl loosely around the waist and told me goodbye, and to have fun volunteering. The girl BS was embracing was apparently furtively flirting with me. But I tried not to notice.

I knew BS and the girl thought I was leaving the building completely. A line of folks piled behind them. I stood at a distance, taking care of writing something in my notebook before I left. I stood hidden behind a thick column. To my right was a zigzagging line before a register counter that looked like the counter at a fast food restaurant. That area was empty.

I could hear the girl with BS say about me, "Yeah, Preemie's gay. For sure he's gay. He reminds me of one of my gay friends who would always do volunteer things, too. Whenever he would see me and my girlfriends he would say, 'Have fun, girls!' in the gayest way, and try to get us to go volunteering with him."

I was now sitting at a silvery table and writing down information from posters over a doorway (like a hallway to the kitchen and restrooms) to my right. To my left was the bar and line of people, slightly elevated from my level. BS and the girl were at the front of the line. The girl was now younger. She wore a pink shirt (I think her shirt had previously been black).

BS caught a glimpse of me and asked why I was still here, in the same annoyed tone of voice he might use if I were to stay at work too long in waking life. I told BS, "I'm just writing stuff down from over there. It's the only place that has it. Then I'll leave, definitely."

I couldn't make out what one of the posters said, so I asked the girl if she could read it for me. The girl had a different look, and her shirt, still pink, now had a pale or washed-out look. The girl bent over and whispered the phrase in my ear, but using a very intimate voice.

I thought this girl was really flirting with me, but I tried to believe she wasn't. But now she bent down and embraced me while whispering the phrase. She embraced me again and pulled me into a standing position. BS looked slightly annoyed and put-out by the whole situation. I decided to leave before I ended up taking BS' girlfriend (???).

I was out on a walkway that was surrounded by water. The walkway was concrete, but there seemed to be wooden docks all around me. There may have been a few boats as well. It was possibly late afternoon. I was on the phone with my girlfriend H. I told H where I was and that I thought I could meet with her if she liked.

I came up to a calm river where a few people were kayaking. My view of the people was obscured by a small bridge that seemed to break in the middle. The bridge looked like the walkway-bridge over the road near the Intrepid aircraft carrier and museum. I thought I would cross the bridge and join the people kayaking. But I realized it was time for kayaking to close for the day, so I couldn't join them.

The light was now cool and blue grey, though there were still a few faint glimmers of golden sunlight. I was on the phone with H again. She was excitedly telling me about something. But suddenly she stopped. Her line went completely silent. I thought I had been disconnected from her.

I may now have been in a bedroom. I tried calling H back. But the phone just kept ringing.

Dream #2

I was with a group of people who were about my age or a little younger. We were all out on a wide lawn or field near some big house. We were all part of some nature project. A group of folks had dug up a hole in the field and pulled out some kind of concrete structure. Now a group of folks was digging up another hole.

An instructor, a kind of dumpy-looking, shabbily dressed man, gobbled at the people that they shouldn't have dug the holes. They had mistaken destroying a species' habitat for doing research. They may now have done irreparable damage. The only thing that could be done now was to cover up the holes before the boss came by. Hopefully the boss wouldn't notice what had been done.

Some time went by. Both holes (although the first one may not have been a problem to begin with) were covered over with a grass matting that was underwoven with a lightweight cable material, like for industrial electrics. I could see the matting from below, as if I were in the hole. The place I was in was like a basic living area.