(5/12/05) the cheap goodbye; cosmopolitan nation

(Entered in paper journal at 5:52 AM at home in Harlem.)

Dream 1

I was "watching" a movie that I think probably stood for That Obscure Object of Desire. I was also "in" the movie. The scene was some Spanish-style cafe, with the lights dimmed and a woman under a spotlight in a smoky corner of the seating area (not the

corner of the room) doing some Flamenco-style dance in a shimmery, green or elegant, white dress.

I thought, When she's finished, then comes the part where all the girls in peach and pink and red dresses come out and do the much more sexualized dance that makes XXXXX angry and breaks his heart. I can't bear that part. I'd rather keep watching this scene.

But the dance finished. The woman stood in a pose as a thin, shimmery, golden strip of curtain cheaply rolled down from the low ceiling in spurts and interrupted rolls, concealing blocks of the dancer's body one body at a time.

Dream 2

I walked through a Walgreen's. I don't remember why I was there, but I was waiting for someone to leave or stop paying attention to me so I could do whatever I was there for without being watched.

I grabbed a small jar of peanuts that was priced at $1.89. I thought that was a little expensive, but not too expensive for a once in a while thing.

I saw two workers, both black women. I slipped between aisles to be inconspicuous. But they noticed me and talked pretty loudly about me, basically to me, even though it was in the third person, about how I'd never escape their notice.

I walked up an aisle, thinking I'd turn right and go to the beauty section (?) to read surreptitiously the new copy of Cosmopolitan. But when I saw some man at the magazine stand at the end of this aisle I knew there was also a man by the magazine rack at the beauty section. So I stood here to wait for them to leave.

I saw a copy of The Nation. It actually looked like a glossy fashion mag. But on the cover was an old, classy photo of Bob Hope, all surrounded by white background, the title and blurbs in soft, baby blue lettering.

One of the blurbs said, "Harlem, Herbal Center of the United States." I didn't know how that could be. I grabbed the magazine to read it. But I felt two people looking at me again.

(3/22/06) being followed; under suspicion; swiftly tilting

(Entered in paper journal at 5:41 PM at Mid-Manhattan Library at 40th Street and 5th Avenue in Manhattan.)

Dream 1

I walked through narrowly perceived spaces, some internal, some external. A young, black boy followed me. I felt like he was trailing me. I wanted him to get away from me. But I also didn't want to "give him the slip" and somehow substantiate his motives for following me.

We walked along forest trails and through "houses" that were "offices." It all seemed like a track or a ride in an amusement park -- somehow stagey, not enclosed, but narrowly perceived.

Dream 2

I was on a bus. I sat at an aisle seat. A black boy on the aisle seat in front of me and to my right, i.e.

looked back at me around the edge of his seat-back. He said my name. I asked him how he knew my name.

I don't know if I forget or if my thoughts changed. But it now seemed like I knew him, too. I felt uneasy around him, like I was under suspicion. But I also spoke regularly and happily about regular things.

Dream 3

I don't know where I was -- high up in the air, possibly on the edge of something (like Hans Pfaal's moon balloon?). My sight was of the blue sky on a beautifully sunny day and just the tangent of something off-white -- maybe:

I feel like the object I was on was lenticular

and rubbery, with something coming off its top like a pagoda

of very thin wood, delicate.

I was possibly "myself/a woman" -- "two in one." I heard/thought "my/a woman's" voice speak of a bird-god/goddess (who was, as goddess, the woman) who called birds, maybe one certain kind of bird, to a "corner" of the earth.

I imagined (spontaneously, but not quite fully) an enormous hawk -- human-sized, very pale red-tan. Then I imagined a flock of similarly colored birds fluttering from left to right, superimposed over the profile of the hawk's head, which faced right.

"The woman/goddess/I" sounded weak, distracted (as if in reverie), but unmistakably godly. The speech was of the woman calling to the birds. The birds flew to the corner of the earth, "So fast," "she/I" said, "that the earth" -- ("I" felt the earth getting ready to tip at "her" command. "I" thought, No. Don't let her say it tipped.) -- "was knocked into an even quicker spin."

I felt the birds approaching. They were far off still, but they also had already reached the corner of the earth.

"I/the woman" continued: "The spinning became so fast and violent that finally the earth flipped over."

Again "I" thought, Please, no, I couldn't take the pain of the earth tipping.

Instead of the earth tipping I was descending into the ocean. I now plunged deep, deep down below the surface. I was above the sea floor.

"The woman" (no longer "I") continued narrating. She told of a civilization buried beneath the water. She also told of a dangerous shark that killed but that also led a group of some kind of creatures.

First I saw the shark. The woman warned me to stay away and not draw attention to myself. Now slowly the ancient city appeared. The shark traveled through the city along some canal-like road. There were gate-like structures at intervals

and some plain buildings like stone houses. I saw it all like I was on a hillside.

I was surprised that everything was in black and white. but it also made sense to me somehow, like the city had lost something.

Now I saw the shark's legions following behind him. At first they were some kind of disgusting creature -- unnameable, black and furry, like black rats, except made of glop, not flesh. I hated it -- I knew I was one of them. I again thought, Please don't let this be -- I couldn't stand being one of them. Now they were all black dogs. I was still disgusted, but I could tolerate it.

I was now in an enormous, opulent restaurant. A conference had just been held. It was now over. A line of people were piling out. One of them, a woman I had flirted with, came up to me and acted flirty, but in a needy way. I now saw how old she was. I tried to "cancel out" the flirty direction of our interaction. But I kept flirting instead.

The woman was handing me some files. I kept looking at the door. I hoped that either she would leave or that I could get away. I slowly felt more and more embarrassed that I had flirted with her in the first place.

But even now, apparently regretful of flirting, I was right up on top of her, even bending my right leg so that it went in between her legs. (She wore a miniskirt.) As time went on, her hair got more and more frazzled.

(1/1/08) garbage pack

(Entered in paper journal at 2:20 PM on the 1-train in Manhattan.)

Dream #1

I walked down a city street at night. Lights like incandescent lights shone on the street. The area looked a little rundown. Two men, each with a child, stood on a sidewalk. They stood by a garbage truck, which also looked  rundown, like paint was chipping off of it. One man was black, with long hair in dreads. The other was white, looking perhaps upper-middle-class.

I walked through the garbage cans. The black man's child (white or Asian?) looked at me as if he wanted to ask me questions. The man pulled him away and yelled at the child not to talk to scummy people like me. I hadn't intended to stop to talk to the boy. I continued walking.

I walked past the second man and child. I was wearing a big backpack or carrying a big, rolling suitcase. The child (white, blonde, with blue eyes and glasses) asked me why I had such a big backpack.

I saw the kid was wearing a red (?) backpack that was almost as tall as he. I said, "Well, why do you wear your backpack?"

The boy said, "To go to school with."

I said, "Well, I carry my backpack for a similar reason."

(3/13/08) sloppy hair; zombie art gallery

(Entered in paper journal at 5:45 AM on Q-train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.)

Dream #1

I looked at myself in a mirror. My hair was brushed down in a sloppy way. I also looked like I had straight fine hair (in waking life, my hair is kind of thick and curly). My hair was lightish brown with splotches of blonde. I could see my hair was thinning. I pulled my hair back to see my hairline had receded pretty far back.

Dream #2

I was down in the basement of a small house with a friend (probably a woman) and an older man. The basement was emptyish with grey concrete floors, white walls, and pale, incandescent lighting.

At first I thought we were avoiding zombies. If the zombies bit (?) us, we, too, would become zombies. But then I somehow noticed that my friend was a zombie, too. My friend and the old man went into a room and left the door open halfway so I could come in, too. My friend and the old man were looking at a line of small, abstract paintings of all different colors along the left wall.

Either zombies had made these paintings or zombies particularly liked these paintings. There was also a movie or video that zombies liked.

My friend asked me to become a zombie, too. I wouldn't of my own will, though I knew (and was afraid) that a zombie could attack me at any time.

I walked up from the basement, out a back door, and into a backyard. I walked to the front of the house along the left side of the house, which was densely shaded by trees. I was going to escape the house, but I couldn't let anybody know.

I flew up onto the roof, which was slightly sloped, solidly pale-black (???), with tiny metal "antennae" sticking out at random places, almost like random weed-shoots or tree-suckers.

At first I tried to walk very quickly along the roof so I wouldn't make a noise. I thought I was doing pretty well. But now I lay in a thick patch of shade (the roof was only partially shaded), telling myself if I could rest until dark I could escape more easily.

I worried, though, that if I slept in this position after the sun moved, that the sun would burn me pretty bad once I was out of the shade. But then I reflected that I didn't have to worry, after all. The shadow was pretty big. It might not move enough for me ever to be lying outside its boundary. I saw in through a window of the house or apartment building across from me. Some TV show was playing.

I stood in the dark on a park road like the road between the Metropolitan Art Museum and Cleopatra's Needle in Central Park. I looked down at my shadow. It was swirling with red and white patterns. Other shadows around me may have been doing the same thing. I thought this was just a trick of my vision and that it was due to my having been caught unaware and turned into a zombie. I somehow reasoned that this couldn't be true.

I started running down the road to get to some point of safety. The road was pretty well lit with orange streetlamps. I held my winter hat in my right hand. I ran past a police car. I hoped I wouldn't look suspicious.  Again, I somehow reasoned that I wouldn't look suspicious.

I was feeling out of breath. The air might have been slightly chilly. I was getting close to being out of the park. Outside the park was possibly a quiet neighborhood. There would be, I knew, very few streetlights. I wondered if I would be able to make my way.

But already in the park were fewer streetlights. Where there was less streetlamp light I began to notice how brightly the moon lit things. I thought that once I got out of the park the light of the moon would be bright enough to guide me.