(5/12/05) the cheap goodbye; cosmopolitan nation

(Entered in paper journal at 5:52 AM at home in Harlem.)

Dream 1

I was "watching" a movie that I think probably stood for That Obscure Object of Desire. I was also "in" the movie. The scene was some Spanish-style cafe, with the lights dimmed and a woman under a spotlight in a smoky corner of the seating area (not the

corner of the room) doing some Flamenco-style dance in a shimmery, green or elegant, white dress.

I thought, When she's finished, then comes the part where all the girls in peach and pink and red dresses come out and do the much more sexualized dance that makes XXXXX angry and breaks his heart. I can't bear that part. I'd rather keep watching this scene.

But the dance finished. The woman stood in a pose as a thin, shimmery, golden strip of curtain cheaply rolled down from the low ceiling in spurts and interrupted rolls, concealing blocks of the dancer's body one body at a time.

Dream 2

I walked through a Walgreen's. I don't remember why I was there, but I was waiting for someone to leave or stop paying attention to me so I could do whatever I was there for without being watched.

I grabbed a small jar of peanuts that was priced at $1.89. I thought that was a little expensive, but not too expensive for a once in a while thing.

I saw two workers, both black women. I slipped between aisles to be inconspicuous. But they noticed me and talked pretty loudly about me, basically to me, even though it was in the third person, about how I'd never escape their notice.

I walked up an aisle, thinking I'd turn right and go to the beauty section (?) to read surreptitiously the new copy of Cosmopolitan. But when I saw some man at the magazine stand at the end of this aisle I knew there was also a man by the magazine rack at the beauty section. So I stood here to wait for them to leave.

I saw a copy of The Nation. It actually looked like a glossy fashion mag. But on the cover was an old, classy photo of Bob Hope, all surrounded by white background, the title and blurbs in soft, baby blue lettering.

One of the blurbs said, "Harlem, Herbal Center of the United States." I didn't know how that could be. I grabbed the magazine to read it. But I felt two people looking at me again.

(2/23/09) antigone-stic boss; manga duckling; panties at kmart; feet hard as shoes

(Entered in paper journal at 9:07 AM at Starbucks on 29th Street and Park Avenue in Manhattan.)

Dream #1

I was in "my office," which was something like an office space at the World Financial Center buildings in lower Manhattan. I sat at a long desk. My "desk"  -- a part of the long, grey table, was to the left of a square column. There were no computers at the long desk I sat at, although there may have been computers at the long desk behind me. My desk, and possibly even the whole floor, was almost completely empty.

Off to my right, a woman, maybe in her mid forties, white, with auburn hair, wandered along the aisles of desks. To my left, at the end of the long desk (maybe fifteen feet away from me) and on the opposite side of the table, sat my co-worker, and a person who had stood up a lot for me to help move me along in my career, CL.

CL asked me how something was going. It was like we were doing business together. She may have been scribbling on a piece of paper (although the long desk was otherwise empty of papers). I told CL, very politely, that everything was going well, even though it probably wasn't.

My boss BS walked into his office, which was in view of the long desk at which CL and I sat, separated from us by another two aisles of long desks. All the offices (along the wall) were dark. I may have been afraid that BS, having seen me talking to CL, would pile a ton of work on me, to keep me from talking to others.

The scene seemed to have changed. I was now "somewhere else," -- maybe "at home," maybe in BS' office. I got a phone call from BS. He said, "Hey, Preemie, I was wondering if you could help me with XXXXX." (I may have seen the word "Antigone" before my eyes.)

I thought, Yeah, I have plenty of time for that. I said, "Absolutely."

I now saw BS' computer screen in his dark office. I saw through his blinded window walls and his open door to the floor of desks outside. I thought to myself, Wait a minute. I don't have time to help him. I'm busy doing something else right now. Right?

Dream #2

I sat in a bedroom, on a bed. The bedroom was smallish. There were two beds across the room from each other. To my left was a light of some kind. The room was harshly, but palely and gently, lit. There may also have been a feeling of iridescence. I may have figured that I had to go somewhere. I stood up and took a small book with me. I held the book open and was reading it like one may study a catechism.

To my left, at my feet, was a tiny, strange animal. It seemed to want me to pay attention to it. I kept turned slightly away from it, like I was still heading toward wherever I had to go, but I knelt, so my knees were heading up toward my chest -- almost like a girl might kneel when wearing a business skirt.

I held my left hand out, ramping up from the ground so the animal could walk up onto it. My hand was twisted at an unnatural angle -- something I thought was supposed to help the little animal. The animal climbed up onto my hand.

I stood back up, still half-looking at the small book I carried. But now, on a closer look, the small animal looked like a little duckling. But its eyes were big, round, blue, like a cat's eyes, except with a teary or gummy look to them. The "duckling's" covering (not feathers?) was yellow with tinges or a halo of blood-red, as if the duckling had blood vessels even in its "feathers."

The duckling seemed to have human feelings. It didn't want me to go wherever I was going. It was nudging my hand somehow to prove this point. I sat down now on the other bed. I may have set down either the duckling or the book on the floor (if the book, then just before my feet; if the duckling, then just to the right of my feet -- or maybe I set both down).

The book, which had before been something like a catechism, now became something like a manga comic about schoolgirls. The duckling (although still to my mind a duckling) was now a girl in the costume of a manga schoolgirl. Her uniform was solid navy blue with a small red sash/bow across her chest.

The duckling/schoolgirl sat on the bed, to my right. I put my arm around her waist. She leaned her head against my shoulder. I continued reading the book.

Dream #3

I was in a store like a Kmart. I stood among racks of women's clothing. The racks were the round-display style, and widely spaced from each other. The store seemed relatively empty. I held a few items of women's clothing that I wanted to try on: some khaki shorts, a cream-colored top of some sort, and some pale aqua bikini briefs with pink stitching or trim.

I must have gone to try everything on. I saw myself in the mirror with the panties on. My body looked good. I was thin again, and my stomach was nicely muscled. I didn't care about the other clothes now. Now that my body looked good again, I wanted to try on other lingerie.

I was back where I started. I left the shorts and top on some shelf-island of jeans. I held on to the panties. I took a glance from side to side to see if I could locate the lingerie section. But it wasn't in sight. I now walked, clockwise, through the store, looking for the lingerie section. I walked through a few sections, but none of them seemed to register to my perception.

I now exited the store -- almost without noticing that I'd done so. (I may have been walking through the store, when I'd realized that I wouldn't have enough money to buy lingerie, so that I'd have to go to an ATM to pick up some money first. So I may have walked out of the store without noticing, while looking for both the lingerie section and an ATM.)

I stood in the hallway or walkway of a shopping mall. The light was dim. The floors were brown tile, and the walls were brown brick. There were island gardens with little palm-like plants. All the shops had their lights on, but some had their gates down.

I suddenly realized I had walked out of the store. I still had the panties, and I hadn't paid for them. Someone would come after me for shoplifting. I thought, I have to get back into the store.

I saw the storefront, which may have had a sign in the style of a Walgreen's sign over it: the cursive writing in red, plastic lights. I knew this was the other entrance to the store -- the one I must have used to get into the store in the first place. (In fact, I might not even have noticed that I'd left the store until I saw this storefront.)

I held a book and the panties in my left hand. I tried to cover the panties completely with the book. It looked like a couple guys were pulling down the gates for the store. I was worried for a second, but somehow I got in anyway. I crossed the security gate and breathed a sigh of relief.

I now took a look, from this point, for the lingerie section. There were a few people, kind of poor-looking, stout-looking, white men, milling around near me. I looked behind me and saw a whole panel of ATM machines. They were all fixed into a display counter, looking like something you might see at an airport. The panel was light brown. The whole place also had the feel of a McDonald's. I walked over to the panel and started playing with the touchscreen to get some money.

Dream #4

I was in bed with a good-looking, tan boy with longish, blonde hair. The boy was wearing dark blue, satin panties, a garter belt, and possibly black, thigh-high hose. We were both under a thick blanket. The room was dim, as if a small light came from some other room like a bathroom.

The boy positioned himself over me, preparing to lay on me. But as he lay on me (I think we were going to play that I was a girl and that he, as a girl wearing a dildo, was penetrating me), he knocked his feet against my feet. He suddenly got turned off. He rolled away and asked me (in the voice of my girlfriend H?), "Could you please take off your shoes?"

I thought, I'm not wearing any shoes! But I said, "Sure."

I thought this wouldn't work out for us after all. I'd taken so little care of my feet that now they'd become as hard as shoes. There was nothing I could do now, and if it turned the boy off, then I was just out of luck for the night.