(Entered in paper journal at 7:55 AM on Q-train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.)
Dream #1
I was in the room of an empty (?) apartment. I was there with a couple other people. It was daytime, and bluish, pale light came in through the windows. The floors were dark wood and the walls were brick.
A woman wanted to do something to open a window. She may have wanted to remove the window entirely. I just stood and watched, as if I were too lazy to help, or as if I were afraid of something happening if the window were opened. Another man came up and helped the woman remove the window. It was now night. When I saw how easily the man had removed the window, I felt ashamed for not having helped.
My mom now sat in a big house, talking with someone I couldn't see. The person was like a member of the family, but also like a nurse or someone else carrying out a business duty. The person was telling my mom that my great-grandmother could no longer take care of herself and would need to have a lot of people living with her to take care of her. They would all need to live either in this house or in the house next to or behind it.
Apparently all the people had chosen what house they would live in. I could imagine that the house of their choice would get crowded and dirty rather quickly. But I thought the other house, which everybody regarded as the "second," inferior house, was nicer and more spacious. I thought about its big living room in particular.
Now I sat across from my mom. My mom said, "They're definitely going to need to live in one of the houses. Which house should we live in instead?"
I said, "The second house."
Dream #2
I walked into a building. I might have come into a hotel lobby. I was going to a cattle call for American Idol. I kept walking through a series of hallways. I couldn't find anything. The hallways were all pretty busy, though most people were walking in the opposite direction from me. One person, talking about the line, said, "People are going to be in that thing for a long time."
I was now following a young man. He was about my height, heavier, pale white, with longish, light brown hair. He wore eyeglasses and a maroon shirt. We walked through what appeared to be a number of back hallways and stairwells. I kept wondering why I'd even wanted to come to this audition anyway.
We mostly walked alone. But when we'd emerge in a more frequented hallway we'd meet with some other people. I saw a couple people I knew. One was a shortish, Mexican, boyish-looking woman. She wore black clothes and a black trucker hat that was cocked to the side. She gave me a friendly nudge on the ribs and said hi.
Finally the young man and I walked down a stairwell to meet what was apparently the back of the line for the American Idol audition. The line seemed like it must have reached down a few more flights before extending even farther through a hallway.
The young man called out, "Is this the line for the Brahms symphony?"
A woman who was maybe in her mid-forties, like a mother, but still attractive, blonde, wearing a white sweater and blue jeans, told the young man, "No. But I'm sure if you wait ten or fifteen minutes, this line will clear out, and you'll be able to find the line for the Brahms concert."
I suddenly thought, Why am I in line for this audition at all? I should be in line for the Brahms concert. I got out of line and walked out a door that was at the bottom of the flight of stairs.
I stood in a desert environment. It appeared to be late in the afternoon. I felt a tremendous sense of peace.
Suddenly I realized I was in a dream. I told myself to focus. I started to float up in the air. The area around me was a desert area beside an industrial area or a place like Los Alamos National Laboratory.
I felt like I was starting to fall back out of the dream. I shouted out, "No! I want to stay here! I don't want to go back!"
I told myself that if I just focused I could stay here. I needed to get back down to the ground first. I was barefoot. I told myself that if I could just feel the gravel of the road, that would make everything real for me. I looked around. There were two old soil-mounds that were now growing white and yellow flowers.
I felt myself being pulled backwards, as if I were being physically pulled away.
The building was white, ridged sheet metal. The sky was deep blue, clear, but with deep grey clouds on the horizon. It was a warm day, but a thunderstorm was looming.
I told myself, If I could just feel the warmth of the day, I could make this real, and then I could stay here forever.
Showing posts with label shame from fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shame from fear. Show all posts
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Monday, December 31, 2012
(2/1/09) who'll get fired?; the shooting game; a new religion
(Entered in paper journal at 8:22 AM at Red Horse cafe in Brooklyn.)
Dream #1
I walked through an office hallway. The hallway was narrow, with harsh, white, fluorescent light, grey carpet, and greyish walls. It was like a maze, or it was like this hallway would break off into other maze-like hallways.
I came to a small room, like a pantry, to my right. The head of my department, MR, stood before a tight circle of people, mostly low-level workers like me. He was talking about planning something out, like who would still be working here. He asked the people around him not to say anything.
I was now in a big, warm swimming pool in a room with warm, tan tiling on the walls and floor. The water in the pool was clear and green with depth. I swam before a weird "computer," like an old television with wires connecting in tangles to a rough set of units below it.
My old boss BS swam somewhere behind me and to my left. He said, "Well, I wonder who it's going to be who stays. Well, anyway, it's gonna happen soon." BS stepped out of the pool and told me he'd see me later.
Dream #2
I was in a big room like a mix between a studio and an inner courtyard. The room probably had black walls and columns, like a small theater, and probably had a big window showing blue sky out front. There were a few people with me.
One person and I were having something like a gunfight. We were both climbing up and down aluminum ladders, possibly trying to get up to a balcony level. The man shot me in my ribs, on my left side. The shot was like a puff of air. I don't think the shot hurt, but it made me flinch and it scared me somehow. I was disappointed in myself for having been so weak.
The scene replayed, or else the man and I, as if we were rehearsing, started our actions over again. The man was long-haired, possibly Asian. He was explaining to me how this whole thing worked. He showed me that we shot little, neon-green pellets out of our guns. The pellets were soft, like Styrofoam. They didn't hurt at all. They were really fast, but their impact was like it had no speed.
The man shot me again in the ribs, and I flinched again and got scared.
Dream #3
I was with either my old friend R or my brother. We were in a gigantic structure which may itself have been an entire city, an ancient city. The structure was all made out of huge, tan blocks of stone, and warm, soft light flowed into the structure, possibly from windows high up on the walls.
I had gone out of one room and into another. I had been speaking with R/my brother, and was now considering whether to change my religion. The room I was in now may actually have been like a library with grey stone walls. There may have been a long, maroon, velvety banner hanging down from a narrow wall, like one would expect to see draping down behind a throne. I tried to consider the differences in the religions I was deciding between.
I went back into the tan room. All along the walls were doorways to different churches. It was now like I was flying past, and just over, all the doorways, focusing in particular on three doorways. One was to a Catholic church. There may have been a statue of a church official before the door and to the left. I thought there was something I did like about this church, like the monks, but that the overall view of this church didn't match mine.
The next doorway I focused on was something like a Lutheran church, but with some kind of new-age ideology combined with it. I thought this was my church. I felt some kind of familiarity with it, and thought this must have been where I should go. But then I realized there was a lot of stuff in this church's ideology that I didn't feel comfortable with intellectually, and that I felt might actually make me soft or unhealthy. Before this doorway, to the left, was a sculpture, maybe five or six feet tall, of a palm branch.
These first two doorways had been along the left wall of the building, both toward the middle of the wall. The next doorway I focused on was on the right wall, near the top corner, and off to the right of it may actually have been an altar. This doorway was for the Lutheran church. I may have headed directly for this doorway after the previous doorway, as if I needed to convince myself that this doorway actually existed, that the stable church I was looking for was real, not just existing in admixture with things I didn't believe.
I may have been standing on the ground now, not flying. The room itself may also actually have been a sanctuary, with dim lighting, dark walls, and purple carpeting. But the stone doorway to the church still stood in the wall.
Dream #1
I walked through an office hallway. The hallway was narrow, with harsh, white, fluorescent light, grey carpet, and greyish walls. It was like a maze, or it was like this hallway would break off into other maze-like hallways.
I came to a small room, like a pantry, to my right. The head of my department, MR, stood before a tight circle of people, mostly low-level workers like me. He was talking about planning something out, like who would still be working here. He asked the people around him not to say anything.
I was now in a big, warm swimming pool in a room with warm, tan tiling on the walls and floor. The water in the pool was clear and green with depth. I swam before a weird "computer," like an old television with wires connecting in tangles to a rough set of units below it.
My old boss BS swam somewhere behind me and to my left. He said, "Well, I wonder who it's going to be who stays. Well, anyway, it's gonna happen soon." BS stepped out of the pool and told me he'd see me later.
Dream #2
I was in a big room like a mix between a studio and an inner courtyard. The room probably had black walls and columns, like a small theater, and probably had a big window showing blue sky out front. There were a few people with me.
One person and I were having something like a gunfight. We were both climbing up and down aluminum ladders, possibly trying to get up to a balcony level. The man shot me in my ribs, on my left side. The shot was like a puff of air. I don't think the shot hurt, but it made me flinch and it scared me somehow. I was disappointed in myself for having been so weak.
The scene replayed, or else the man and I, as if we were rehearsing, started our actions over again. The man was long-haired, possibly Asian. He was explaining to me how this whole thing worked. He showed me that we shot little, neon-green pellets out of our guns. The pellets were soft, like Styrofoam. They didn't hurt at all. They were really fast, but their impact was like it had no speed.
The man shot me again in the ribs, and I flinched again and got scared.
Dream #3
I was with either my old friend R or my brother. We were in a gigantic structure which may itself have been an entire city, an ancient city. The structure was all made out of huge, tan blocks of stone, and warm, soft light flowed into the structure, possibly from windows high up on the walls.
I had gone out of one room and into another. I had been speaking with R/my brother, and was now considering whether to change my religion. The room I was in now may actually have been like a library with grey stone walls. There may have been a long, maroon, velvety banner hanging down from a narrow wall, like one would expect to see draping down behind a throne. I tried to consider the differences in the religions I was deciding between.
I went back into the tan room. All along the walls were doorways to different churches. It was now like I was flying past, and just over, all the doorways, focusing in particular on three doorways. One was to a Catholic church. There may have been a statue of a church official before the door and to the left. I thought there was something I did like about this church, like the monks, but that the overall view of this church didn't match mine.
The next doorway I focused on was something like a Lutheran church, but with some kind of new-age ideology combined with it. I thought this was my church. I felt some kind of familiarity with it, and thought this must have been where I should go. But then I realized there was a lot of stuff in this church's ideology that I didn't feel comfortable with intellectually, and that I felt might actually make me soft or unhealthy. Before this doorway, to the left, was a sculpture, maybe five or six feet tall, of a palm branch.
These first two doorways had been along the left wall of the building, both toward the middle of the wall. The next doorway I focused on was on the right wall, near the top corner, and off to the right of it may actually have been an altar. This doorway was for the Lutheran church. I may have headed directly for this doorway after the previous doorway, as if I needed to convince myself that this doorway actually existed, that the stable church I was looking for was real, not just existing in admixture with things I didn't believe.
I may have been standing on the ground now, not flying. The room itself may also actually have been a sanctuary, with dim lighting, dark walls, and purple carpeting. But the stone doorway to the church still stood in the wall.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
(2/2/09) not worried about zombies; afraid to skydive
(Entered in paper journal -- somewhere -- at 9:01 AM.)
Dream #1
I was in a big house with a group of people "my age" (probably in their mid-twenties). Some disaster had happened, in this house or throughout the entire world, which had caused certain people to become zombies. We were investigating this house, either to find clues about what had made the people here become zombies or else to find additional zombies. The main group of us was sitting in the kitchen. Some of them may have been playing with "high-tech" devices.
I went upstairs. The downstairs had been small and tight. The stairwell also seemed small, flimsy, cheap. The upstairs was large. There seemed to be three high-ceilinged rooms. I only went into the center room. The room was dim, with natural light coming in through the tall windows along the long wall opposite the stairwell entry. The room felt empty, but I also felt a cluttered atmosphere somewhere. I might have seen something like an Othello game board with pieces on it.
I felt like I was now in danger of running into zombies. I knew if I saw them they'd attack me quickly and make me a zombie.
I was floating in the air, up near where the tops of the doorways would be. I was now floating downstairs, just above the stairwell and just below the ceiling of the kitchen. There was a pretty girl sitting at the table. All around was clutter. The place was bright with natural light.
The girl was either reading a newspaper or looking at some technological device. I may have been trying to get the girl and maybe some other people to come upstairs with me for protection against he zombies. I may have seen the zombies in my head -- a mother and two or three children, huddled together in some corner of the left room, clothes in robe-like garments, looking very poor and tired, but ready to spring like wild animals.
But the girl didn't seem to care about my urgency. She gave me a blank, almost annoyed, stare. For some reason I thought this was an example of why the fight against the zombies (or "zombie-virus") would be lost.
Dream #2
I was talking with a group of people. We were all getting training on skydiving. we may actually have been inside the plane, which may have been pretty empty inside, just the frame of the plane, metallic, slightly dusty, greyish or whitish. We may have been preparing for our first jump.
I wondered if I'd have the courage to make the jump. I thought there was only a slim chance that I'd live, anyway. I thought I was such an absent-minded person that I'd probably forget everything I was supposed to do on the way down, even though the process was actually pretty simple. I thought for sure that I'd get sidetracked by thoughts or looking around and totally forget to count down to the opening of my parachute. I also thought that perhaps the sight of the ground would scare me so bad that I'd lose track of everything.
I thought perhaps I should tell the instructor that I really couldn't do this jump. But then I thought the instructor would call me a coward and laugh me to scorn in front of everybody else. This really seemed awful -- most of the group were girls, and I really didn't want them to think of me as a coward. I thought I'd just go through with the jump, and let happen whatever would happen.
I could imagine myself descending from high up. Then a weird vision of a pinkish-orangish V, laid on its left side, with the base longer than the upper part, now appeared before my imagination. It may have slid into wholeness before my eyes, as if it were a changing measure of speed.
I now stood on the ground in a wooded area with a small group of women. One woman and I stood before a few large, red coolers that were stacked up by each other. The woman was sorting through some of the coolers, pulling stuff out and putting stuff in, making sure we were each prepared for our flight and first jump. I hoped the woman would find something missing in my cooler, so that I wouldn't be allowed to go up.
Another woman came into the scene from off to our left. She was carrying small coolers or boxes wrapped in clear, plastic wrapping. As this woman entered, the woman at the coolers had me help her pull some stuff out of the coolers. She was handing me items like white, plastic half-cubes (like bookends, almost), wrapped in clear, plastic bagging. Some of the items may also have been like plastic cubes with no top and like styrofoam coolers with removable tops.
At some point while I was handling all this stuff, the woman at the coolers may have reproached me, saying something like, "Don't even try to hope that something of yours is missing. You're going to do this just like the rest of us." I felt ashamed for having been called out as a coward before the other women.
Dream #1
I was in a big house with a group of people "my age" (probably in their mid-twenties). Some disaster had happened, in this house or throughout the entire world, which had caused certain people to become zombies. We were investigating this house, either to find clues about what had made the people here become zombies or else to find additional zombies. The main group of us was sitting in the kitchen. Some of them may have been playing with "high-tech" devices.
I went upstairs. The downstairs had been small and tight. The stairwell also seemed small, flimsy, cheap. The upstairs was large. There seemed to be three high-ceilinged rooms. I only went into the center room. The room was dim, with natural light coming in through the tall windows along the long wall opposite the stairwell entry. The room felt empty, but I also felt a cluttered atmosphere somewhere. I might have seen something like an Othello game board with pieces on it.
I felt like I was now in danger of running into zombies. I knew if I saw them they'd attack me quickly and make me a zombie.
I was floating in the air, up near where the tops of the doorways would be. I was now floating downstairs, just above the stairwell and just below the ceiling of the kitchen. There was a pretty girl sitting at the table. All around was clutter. The place was bright with natural light.
The girl was either reading a newspaper or looking at some technological device. I may have been trying to get the girl and maybe some other people to come upstairs with me for protection against he zombies. I may have seen the zombies in my head -- a mother and two or three children, huddled together in some corner of the left room, clothes in robe-like garments, looking very poor and tired, but ready to spring like wild animals.
But the girl didn't seem to care about my urgency. She gave me a blank, almost annoyed, stare. For some reason I thought this was an example of why the fight against the zombies (or "zombie-virus") would be lost.
Dream #2
I was talking with a group of people. We were all getting training on skydiving. we may actually have been inside the plane, which may have been pretty empty inside, just the frame of the plane, metallic, slightly dusty, greyish or whitish. We may have been preparing for our first jump.
I wondered if I'd have the courage to make the jump. I thought there was only a slim chance that I'd live, anyway. I thought I was such an absent-minded person that I'd probably forget everything I was supposed to do on the way down, even though the process was actually pretty simple. I thought for sure that I'd get sidetracked by thoughts or looking around and totally forget to count down to the opening of my parachute. I also thought that perhaps the sight of the ground would scare me so bad that I'd lose track of everything.
I thought perhaps I should tell the instructor that I really couldn't do this jump. But then I thought the instructor would call me a coward and laugh me to scorn in front of everybody else. This really seemed awful -- most of the group were girls, and I really didn't want them to think of me as a coward. I thought I'd just go through with the jump, and let happen whatever would happen.
I could imagine myself descending from high up. Then a weird vision of a pinkish-orangish V, laid on its left side, with the base longer than the upper part, now appeared before my imagination. It may have slid into wholeness before my eyes, as if it were a changing measure of speed.
I now stood on the ground in a wooded area with a small group of women. One woman and I stood before a few large, red coolers that were stacked up by each other. The woman was sorting through some of the coolers, pulling stuff out and putting stuff in, making sure we were each prepared for our flight and first jump. I hoped the woman would find something missing in my cooler, so that I wouldn't be allowed to go up.
Another woman came into the scene from off to our left. She was carrying small coolers or boxes wrapped in clear, plastic wrapping. As this woman entered, the woman at the coolers had me help her pull some stuff out of the coolers. She was handing me items like white, plastic half-cubes (like bookends, almost), wrapped in clear, plastic bagging. Some of the items may also have been like plastic cubes with no top and like styrofoam coolers with removable tops.
At some point while I was handling all this stuff, the woman at the coolers may have reproached me, saying something like, "Don't even try to hope that something of yours is missing. You're going to do this just like the rest of us." I felt ashamed for having been called out as a coward before the other women.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
(2/25/09) fort holland; afraid of museum displays; pizza panic
(Entered in paper journal at 9:35 AM at Red Horse cafe in Brooklyn.)
Dream #1
A woman and I had been co-pilots, possibly in a fighter jet. The jet had crashed. The woman had died, while I may have lived. I thought back to the event and wondered how I could have done things differently so the woman could have survived.
I now saw the event again, as if it were just happening. Our jet (definitely a fighter jet now, like an F-16 (?)) crashed into blackish water. The sky was black, or rather a blackish green-blue, but for some reason it didn't feel like night, and the jet was perfectly visible (as if I were looking at myself in the jet from a point in front of the jet) as if lit, not by daylight, but as if in a cartoon.
The woman (although I feel like an F-16 is just a one-seater) sat in the backseat. She was hunched over, but I was pretty sure she was still alive. We wore yellowish-tan uniforms with white sleeves and white helmets.
Our jet had reached a snowy shore. The snow was still falling. I knew we were near an American Air Force base called Fort Holland. I could see a snow-covered sign on a stick saying Fort Holland and some other things (this view was also very cartoon-like).
Our cabin hatch was open -- it had been open all along. I called out, disappointed, like a spoiled kid, "Only Fort Holland?" as if after all our trouble we had only made it this far along.
We now walked from the shore, along a wide valley, and then up a slope, which was between two slightly steeper and taller slopes. I walked in front and led the woman, as if I were pulling her by means of a closed but unfurled parachute. The parachute may have been orange with white bordering.
The woman seemed injured, doubled-over, as if her stomach were in great pain. She hardly seemed alive. In some ways, she also looked like a cartoon, like Jun from the anime Gatchaman.
I knew the base was just over the slope. I saw, as if from very high in the air, the base -- two cartoony, cabin-like structures and possibly a couple other small structures, all broadly spaced in the snow.
On the other side of the hills I now saw myself, although instead of pulling the woman along with the parachute, I was now pulling the entire jet with it -- possibly with the woman inside.
Dream #2
I was in a hallway of some building like an airport or a convention center. The floors were tight, shallow, brown carpet. The wall to my left may have been grey. The wall to my right was a window wall, which opened to a pale blue sky all the way down the hallway.
A group of people (probably like a group of kids and volunteers, with some official-looking people, like airline pilots) and I stood at the top of a small set of escalators and stairs. The escalators were supposed to be a fun kind of ride (like the sledding hill at the Winter Jam festival which had taken place in New York City at the beginning of 2009). I couldn't see how this was supposed to be fun, but I acted like it was, anyway. I saw all of us as if I were viewing from a point at the bottom of the escalators. Now it was my turn to go. I (walked? ran? slid?) down the escalator.
I was now in a big room like an animal display room in a museum of natural history (a lot like the African animals display room had been at the Denver Museum of Natural History when I was a kid). The walls were black, and big windows revealed displays. The place was maze-like, almost cavernous. The light was all dim red, like the lighting in the cages for nocturnal animals in zoos. I was all alone.
I now realized that many animals there were standing outside their displays. I may not have noticed this until I turned to look over my left shoulder and saw, in a room slightly separated from the room I was in by walls a little offset from one another, a buffalo, in a reclining position, with its head turned so that it appeared to be looking straight at me.
I suddenly had the feeling that these animals could become alive again at any moment. The buffalo looked huge, even in a reclining position. I didn't want it to become alive again to charge me. I decided to walk out of its sight. But the more I looked around the more I saw all kinds of animals out of their displays. I walked into another room, which seemed to be all displays of animals in the room, i.e. not in a diorama set into the walls. I hurried through the room, not wanting the animals suddenly to come alive and see me there.
Now I was just trying to find a way out of this place, or at least to find other poeple to be with. But I was also getting more interested in some of these animals. They weren't all identifiable. Some of them looked rather alien.
I saw another buffalo, which was posed (?) before a display, as if it were looking at the display, except that it had its head turned so it appeared to be looking at me. Another animal, which had the coat, and maybe even the face, of a koala bear, but which had the body of a small wildcat, and had ears wide enough almost to make an entire cone around the back of the animal's head, stood in the threshold between rooms, almost blocking my way to the next room.
As I walked through the next room, I saw, far in the distance to my left, a humanoid figure, as if it had been pinned against the wall. Its skin was pink and white, like the meat of a crab, or the scales of a large goldfish. It was tall and muscular. Its head was powerful. It had pale green (?) eyes. Around its head extended a flap of skin, like the lower body of an octopus, except without extending into legs. This flap of skin was also expanded and pinned to the wall. I thought that this was the creature most likely to come alive and attack me.
I really hurried now to get somewhere familiar. I heard voices behind me, coming from a space to my right, as if there were a small, dark hallway at the end of which were two middle-aged women, something like curators or librarians for the museum, speaking mildly about some plans they had for an exhibit or something else that needed to be organized. I felt very reassured when I heard them talking, more like I was suddenly re-connected with reality.
I caught a glimpse of daylight to my right -- daylight reflected off the plexiglass of some of the display cases. The displays all now seemed to be of astronomical or geological objects. They largely seemed to be photos, or mock-up photo-models of things like nebulae or galaxies or asteroids.
I now saw the exit. I walked leisurely to it -- I was now kind of disappointed in myself for not having been able to keep calm while I walked through all the displays of the strange animals.
Dream #3
I was in a conference room with a group of people. The conference room was long and narrow, with drab, beige-yellowish-tan (beige-olive?) walls and drab, fluorescent lighting. There was a group of people about my age or a little younger, all in dress suits, standing by a long cabinet, possibly grabbing paper plates, napkins, etc.
I was laying out a table full of pizzas. There were all kinds of pizza, but three boxes of pepperoni pizza looked particularly fresh and good. I was apparently on the same level as all the people in the room, but I had ordered the pizzas and was laying them out, as if I were the assistant to all the people.
There may have been an attitude on the part of all the people, as if I had only gotten the usual selection of pizzas, instead of getting anything new and unusual. I was also now disappointed, and I wondered if I hadn't done it on purpose -- the pepperoni pizzas looked so good; perhaps I had ordered more of those because I wanted good pepperoni pizza like that so bad.
Now some other group of people brought in three boxes of pizza. They looked like business people, probably older and farther along in their careers than the people in this room. At first I thought they were bringing fresh pizzas. I laid them out. The table was completely full with pizza boxes. People were now taking pizza. I called out to everybody, as I looked at the new pizzas, that the pizzas the other people had brought in were new and unique, if anybody wanted to try those out.
One of the pizzas seemed to be topped entirely with green stuff like spinach. Another seemed to be topped entirely with ground sausage, possibly having no sauce and just a tiny bit of cheese holding the sausage together. I can't remember the third box.
But when I looked at these three boxes, I realized the pizza was all cold, as if it were already a couple hours old. The pizzas weren't full -- they were all three missing at least a couple slices. The people who had brought them in now said, "We just got out of our meeting and thought you guys might be hungry, so we brought these pizzas in."
I was panicked. I thought, First my co-workers thought I was an idiot for not having ordered a good enough selection of pizza. Now they'll think I'm an idiot for having all my selection be stale!
I called out to everybody, "Guys, these pizzas are cold. But they're different, f you want that. And the pieces we have are untouched. They haven't been tampered with."
But now one of the people to my left (he may have looked like my co-worker DE) opened one of the new boxes, as if I hadn't opened them all. He pulled out a crust that somebody had thrown back into the box after having eaten the rest of the slice of pizza. The person (DE?) said, "Look at this. This doesn't look untouched!"
Now a woman to my right (and she may actually have been one of the group who had brought the new pizzas in) pulled a crust out of the box next to her. She told DE, "I know. I don't think we should eat anything out of these boxes." She said this in a tone implying I had done a really lousy job by suggesting anybody should eat these pizzas.
Again I called out to everybody, "The pepperoni pizzas are extremely fresh, and they look really good, if anybody wants to try those."
Whatever meeting these guys were all going to have was probably about to start. A couple of guys said, as if to imply that I should also be heading out now, "Why don't you grab some pizza, man?"
I thought I'd really like some of the pepperoni pizza, but I also thought it was a little too early in the day to eat pizza. So I just laughed a little and headed out of the room.
I walked down a long, narrow hallway and was in a weird room. It was just as drab as the conference room had been. It didn't look like it was any kind of room in particular. I took care of some kind of business somewhere.
Some time had passed. I now thought I should go pick up some pizza before the next meeting (the "lunch meeting?") started. I walked down the hallway and saw through the window of the conference room. All the pizza was now cold, but it still looked delicious to me. But for some reason, I still decided that it was too early for me to have pizza.
I turned around quickly and headed back to a desk, which was "like a receptionist's desk" (even thought it was just a dumpy, flimsy, standard work desk) at the upper right corner of the weird room, before the room turned into another sterile hallway.
I was now busily doing some nothing-work, possibly having something to do with a roll of (duct?) tape. I was scurrying through this work, as if I thought it would help me forget my appetite for pizza.
Some older man walked up from the hallway to my right, standing in front of and just to the left of my desk. I kept scurrying through my work, thinking the man would be really proud of me for staying so busy that I didn't want to eat pizza.
But now the man called down the hallway behind me, i.e. to the conference room. I looked up at the old man as he continued a conversation with a man down the hallway. The man before me looked like Mick Jagger, except that he was about thirty pounds heavier. He looked about the same age as Mick Jagger (which would leave me to believe this man was in his mid-fifties (his mid-fifties???)). He wore a dull blue, long-sleeved, casual shirt, which showed a slightly round belly, and slightly aged blue jeans. His hair was about jaw-length, red-brown. He sounded very American, not British, almost like JH, a boss of mine from a National Park in New Mexico where I'd been part of an Americorps program.
The two men continued a quick conversation about the details for the meeting. I could tell that the guy before me thought I was cool, like someone from his "good old days," and that he wanted to strike up a conversation with me. But, for some reason, I was so upset by how out of shape the man looked that I didn't want to talk to him -- I didn't want any of his slackness to influence me.
But I also felt like I should talk to the man, to remind him of his "good old days." I felt sad. I could see the man in his younger days, and I thought he must have looked really cool. I thought it would be really nice if I could humar the man into thinking that he was that cool once again.
Dream #1
A woman and I had been co-pilots, possibly in a fighter jet. The jet had crashed. The woman had died, while I may have lived. I thought back to the event and wondered how I could have done things differently so the woman could have survived.
I now saw the event again, as if it were just happening. Our jet (definitely a fighter jet now, like an F-16 (?)) crashed into blackish water. The sky was black, or rather a blackish green-blue, but for some reason it didn't feel like night, and the jet was perfectly visible (as if I were looking at myself in the jet from a point in front of the jet) as if lit, not by daylight, but as if in a cartoon.
The woman (although I feel like an F-16 is just a one-seater) sat in the backseat. She was hunched over, but I was pretty sure she was still alive. We wore yellowish-tan uniforms with white sleeves and white helmets.
Our jet had reached a snowy shore. The snow was still falling. I knew we were near an American Air Force base called Fort Holland. I could see a snow-covered sign on a stick saying Fort Holland and some other things (this view was also very cartoon-like).
Our cabin hatch was open -- it had been open all along. I called out, disappointed, like a spoiled kid, "Only Fort Holland?" as if after all our trouble we had only made it this far along.
We now walked from the shore, along a wide valley, and then up a slope, which was between two slightly steeper and taller slopes. I walked in front and led the woman, as if I were pulling her by means of a closed but unfurled parachute. The parachute may have been orange with white bordering.
The woman seemed injured, doubled-over, as if her stomach were in great pain. She hardly seemed alive. In some ways, she also looked like a cartoon, like Jun from the anime Gatchaman.
I knew the base was just over the slope. I saw, as if from very high in the air, the base -- two cartoony, cabin-like structures and possibly a couple other small structures, all broadly spaced in the snow.
On the other side of the hills I now saw myself, although instead of pulling the woman along with the parachute, I was now pulling the entire jet with it -- possibly with the woman inside.
Dream #2
I was in a hallway of some building like an airport or a convention center. The floors were tight, shallow, brown carpet. The wall to my left may have been grey. The wall to my right was a window wall, which opened to a pale blue sky all the way down the hallway.
A group of people (probably like a group of kids and volunteers, with some official-looking people, like airline pilots) and I stood at the top of a small set of escalators and stairs. The escalators were supposed to be a fun kind of ride (like the sledding hill at the Winter Jam festival which had taken place in New York City at the beginning of 2009). I couldn't see how this was supposed to be fun, but I acted like it was, anyway. I saw all of us as if I were viewing from a point at the bottom of the escalators. Now it was my turn to go. I (walked? ran? slid?) down the escalator.
I was now in a big room like an animal display room in a museum of natural history (a lot like the African animals display room had been at the Denver Museum of Natural History when I was a kid). The walls were black, and big windows revealed displays. The place was maze-like, almost cavernous. The light was all dim red, like the lighting in the cages for nocturnal animals in zoos. I was all alone.
I now realized that many animals there were standing outside their displays. I may not have noticed this until I turned to look over my left shoulder and saw, in a room slightly separated from the room I was in by walls a little offset from one another, a buffalo, in a reclining position, with its head turned so that it appeared to be looking straight at me.
I suddenly had the feeling that these animals could become alive again at any moment. The buffalo looked huge, even in a reclining position. I didn't want it to become alive again to charge me. I decided to walk out of its sight. But the more I looked around the more I saw all kinds of animals out of their displays. I walked into another room, which seemed to be all displays of animals in the room, i.e. not in a diorama set into the walls. I hurried through the room, not wanting the animals suddenly to come alive and see me there.
Now I was just trying to find a way out of this place, or at least to find other poeple to be with. But I was also getting more interested in some of these animals. They weren't all identifiable. Some of them looked rather alien.
I saw another buffalo, which was posed (?) before a display, as if it were looking at the display, except that it had its head turned so it appeared to be looking at me. Another animal, which had the coat, and maybe even the face, of a koala bear, but which had the body of a small wildcat, and had ears wide enough almost to make an entire cone around the back of the animal's head, stood in the threshold between rooms, almost blocking my way to the next room.
As I walked through the next room, I saw, far in the distance to my left, a humanoid figure, as if it had been pinned against the wall. Its skin was pink and white, like the meat of a crab, or the scales of a large goldfish. It was tall and muscular. Its head was powerful. It had pale green (?) eyes. Around its head extended a flap of skin, like the lower body of an octopus, except without extending into legs. This flap of skin was also expanded and pinned to the wall. I thought that this was the creature most likely to come alive and attack me.
I really hurried now to get somewhere familiar. I heard voices behind me, coming from a space to my right, as if there were a small, dark hallway at the end of which were two middle-aged women, something like curators or librarians for the museum, speaking mildly about some plans they had for an exhibit or something else that needed to be organized. I felt very reassured when I heard them talking, more like I was suddenly re-connected with reality.
I caught a glimpse of daylight to my right -- daylight reflected off the plexiglass of some of the display cases. The displays all now seemed to be of astronomical or geological objects. They largely seemed to be photos, or mock-up photo-models of things like nebulae or galaxies or asteroids.
I now saw the exit. I walked leisurely to it -- I was now kind of disappointed in myself for not having been able to keep calm while I walked through all the displays of the strange animals.
Dream #3
I was in a conference room with a group of people. The conference room was long and narrow, with drab, beige-yellowish-tan (beige-olive?) walls and drab, fluorescent lighting. There was a group of people about my age or a little younger, all in dress suits, standing by a long cabinet, possibly grabbing paper plates, napkins, etc.
I was laying out a table full of pizzas. There were all kinds of pizza, but three boxes of pepperoni pizza looked particularly fresh and good. I was apparently on the same level as all the people in the room, but I had ordered the pizzas and was laying them out, as if I were the assistant to all the people.
There may have been an attitude on the part of all the people, as if I had only gotten the usual selection of pizzas, instead of getting anything new and unusual. I was also now disappointed, and I wondered if I hadn't done it on purpose -- the pepperoni pizzas looked so good; perhaps I had ordered more of those because I wanted good pepperoni pizza like that so bad.
Now some other group of people brought in three boxes of pizza. They looked like business people, probably older and farther along in their careers than the people in this room. At first I thought they were bringing fresh pizzas. I laid them out. The table was completely full with pizza boxes. People were now taking pizza. I called out to everybody, as I looked at the new pizzas, that the pizzas the other people had brought in were new and unique, if anybody wanted to try those out.
One of the pizzas seemed to be topped entirely with green stuff like spinach. Another seemed to be topped entirely with ground sausage, possibly having no sauce and just a tiny bit of cheese holding the sausage together. I can't remember the third box.
But when I looked at these three boxes, I realized the pizza was all cold, as if it were already a couple hours old. The pizzas weren't full -- they were all three missing at least a couple slices. The people who had brought them in now said, "We just got out of our meeting and thought you guys might be hungry, so we brought these pizzas in."
I was panicked. I thought, First my co-workers thought I was an idiot for not having ordered a good enough selection of pizza. Now they'll think I'm an idiot for having all my selection be stale!
I called out to everybody, "Guys, these pizzas are cold. But they're different, f you want that. And the pieces we have are untouched. They haven't been tampered with."
But now one of the people to my left (he may have looked like my co-worker DE) opened one of the new boxes, as if I hadn't opened them all. He pulled out a crust that somebody had thrown back into the box after having eaten the rest of the slice of pizza. The person (DE?) said, "Look at this. This doesn't look untouched!"
Now a woman to my right (and she may actually have been one of the group who had brought the new pizzas in) pulled a crust out of the box next to her. She told DE, "I know. I don't think we should eat anything out of these boxes." She said this in a tone implying I had done a really lousy job by suggesting anybody should eat these pizzas.
Again I called out to everybody, "The pepperoni pizzas are extremely fresh, and they look really good, if anybody wants to try those."
Whatever meeting these guys were all going to have was probably about to start. A couple of guys said, as if to imply that I should also be heading out now, "Why don't you grab some pizza, man?"
I thought I'd really like some of the pepperoni pizza, but I also thought it was a little too early in the day to eat pizza. So I just laughed a little and headed out of the room.
I walked down a long, narrow hallway and was in a weird room. It was just as drab as the conference room had been. It didn't look like it was any kind of room in particular. I took care of some kind of business somewhere.
Some time had passed. I now thought I should go pick up some pizza before the next meeting (the "lunch meeting?") started. I walked down the hallway and saw through the window of the conference room. All the pizza was now cold, but it still looked delicious to me. But for some reason, I still decided that it was too early for me to have pizza.
I turned around quickly and headed back to a desk, which was "like a receptionist's desk" (even thought it was just a dumpy, flimsy, standard work desk) at the upper right corner of the weird room, before the room turned into another sterile hallway.
I was now busily doing some nothing-work, possibly having something to do with a roll of (duct?) tape. I was scurrying through this work, as if I thought it would help me forget my appetite for pizza.
Some older man walked up from the hallway to my right, standing in front of and just to the left of my desk. I kept scurrying through my work, thinking the man would be really proud of me for staying so busy that I didn't want to eat pizza.
But now the man called down the hallway behind me, i.e. to the conference room. I looked up at the old man as he continued a conversation with a man down the hallway. The man before me looked like Mick Jagger, except that he was about thirty pounds heavier. He looked about the same age as Mick Jagger (which would leave me to believe this man was in his mid-fifties (his mid-fifties???)). He wore a dull blue, long-sleeved, casual shirt, which showed a slightly round belly, and slightly aged blue jeans. His hair was about jaw-length, red-brown. He sounded very American, not British, almost like JH, a boss of mine from a National Park in New Mexico where I'd been part of an Americorps program.
The two men continued a quick conversation about the details for the meeting. I could tell that the guy before me thought I was cool, like someone from his "good old days," and that he wanted to strike up a conversation with me. But, for some reason, I was so upset by how out of shape the man looked that I didn't want to talk to him -- I didn't want any of his slackness to influence me.
But I also felt like I should talk to the man, to remind him of his "good old days." I felt sad. I could see the man in his younger days, and I thought he must have looked really cool. I thought it would be really nice if I could humar the man into thinking that he was that cool once again.
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