(Entered in paper journal at 5:30 AM. No place info.)
Dream 1
I visit an older, bedridden woman. She talks, teaching Spanish, with a middle-aged woman. We are both working on some project about religion.
This mid-aged woman then asks when the world is coming to an end. The older woman says, "Just a moment. I want everyone else to be here when I tell you."
The mid-age woman walks away. I ask the older woman if it will happen before Y3K, which is in just a few years. She says yes.
She now goes into an explanation in Spanish. I ask her to go slowly. She says, "Don't play stupid. I know you can understand when I speak regularly."
Her face becomes full of veins. She talks about mothers hearing the news and going insane about their babies. She then sat straight up in bed and said, "But it's their fault! They're the sinners!"
She then explained that she was a Protestant. Her appearance changed, became thinner. I wondered what would happen with the Catholic woman next door.
Dream 2
I got some strange letter, as if on a record's liner notes, from my mom, talking about some fake but gruesome disease "one gets from being a fag." She wrote, "Not that I mean to say fag, cause you're one, but just be careful."
I now was in some basement with a friend who was talking about making a movie that sounded stupid. It was made by some production company that also made XXXXX.
Now I was watching this "also made" movie. It was about some frightening stuff that went on in a prison. First it was a male prison and folks were put there for being gay. Mainly they were tortured to death or had their limbs cut off. Then the view became of some hospital in black and white, of a kid tied to a water heater, with a blanket over him. He was, a title card, said, being asphyxiated.
Now the views were supposedly in a women's prison. People were electrocuted, had boiling water poured on them, and had their limbs cut off. This was all denoted by title cards, like a silent movie. Then the limbs were fed to a dog.
Now it was like I was a researcher for the film in the basement of this prison. but as I walked up the stairs I was narrating to myself how the researchers and filmmakers were "just then" planning to do a film on such atrocities.
Showing posts with label catholicism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label catholicism. Show all posts
Saturday, March 18, 2017
Sunday, February 10, 2013
(10/8/07) perverted hand-washing church; NYC tranny in denver; aztec chess
(Entered in paper journal at 6:04 AM on Q-train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.)
Dream #1
I was with my family in a house. We had finished eating or preparing dinner. We were washing our hands. The room we were in was dim. I mentioned that one of us, a man who appeared to be tall and pale with dark hair and eyes and wearing a kind of nice suit, had a different religion from us and so had to wash his hands in a sink at his church.
My brother and I walked down a suburban road in dark blue night. We came to a Catholic church. I said, "I can wash my hands here."
There were a lot of black people coming out the front of the church, like a service was just ending. My brother and I had to sneak into the church through the back so nobody would question why we were there. We went in through a back door and into a dim hallway that was pitch black at the far end.
The bathroom was near us, just to our right as we entered the hallway. When we got into the bathroom it was light as day. I looked into the stalls. I saw a pale white man's legs. I thought, But didn't we just turn on the light? (???) Then this man has been sitting on the toilet in the dark all this time.
I thought the man may have been a pervert, lurking in wait for prey. I didn't want to be here long enough for the man to attack me and my brother or to have us be associated with him.
My brother had a box of all kinds of fruit. We might have been washing it off in the sink.
Dream #2
I sat on two beds that were arranged in an L-shape in a dim room. I faced three mirrors. This room was an office for my company, but in my hometown of Denver instead of in New York. I had come back to Denver to work.
In the mirror I saw that I had long hair. As I arranged my hair I realized how much I looked like a woman. Each mirror gave me a different reflection that made me look like a different woman. Each reflection was the image of a woman I actually knew. The women were all girls I had gone to school with or worked with. They were probably all Hispanic. I hadn't liked them a lot, and I was pretty sure I didn't want to be them. But I was impressed with how good I looked. I may have been wearing a black dress.
Now some women walked down the hallway and past the room I was in. They didn't seem to see me, although they looked into the room.
One of the women said, "He's here from New York." I knew the woman was talking about me. I couldn't let the women see me this way, not while I looked like a woman. I was lucky they hadn't seen me already.
I reached forward and slowly closed the door. When the door clicked closed I worried that the women, hearing the door close, would feel alienated, like I had shut them out of the room for no reason other than my not wanting to see them. But, I thought, as soon as I changed back into looking like a man I would open the door again.
Dream #3
I was playing checkers or chess with my brother or my oldest nephew. The board was tan with brown squares. My brother/nephew made the opening move, some specific move he always liked to start with that somehow effectively "finished" the game in his favor. I would usually make normal moves from there on out and eventually lose the game.
But this time I stepped back and thought out how I could move. Apparently the move would always force me to bring out my front pieces, which would leave my back pieces defenseless. This time I moved one of my back pieces in a way that caused my brother/nephew to have to move again, thus taking himself out of the spot where he could constantly take out my front pieces.
Around this point the port had switched back and forth between a real board and a touchscreen computer board. When the board was the digital board, I found it hard, from my angle, to see which piece I was actually touching.
My brother/nephew was at a loss for a moment. I explained to my brother/nephew how I had come up with that move. As I did I saw one of the pieces on my brother/nephew's side of the board, in the lower, left quadrant. It was a big, tan square, like an Aztec glyph. I imagined it clicking two moves to the right. I tried to remember what role this glyph played in the game.
Dream #1
I was with my family in a house. We had finished eating or preparing dinner. We were washing our hands. The room we were in was dim. I mentioned that one of us, a man who appeared to be tall and pale with dark hair and eyes and wearing a kind of nice suit, had a different religion from us and so had to wash his hands in a sink at his church.
My brother and I walked down a suburban road in dark blue night. We came to a Catholic church. I said, "I can wash my hands here."
There were a lot of black people coming out the front of the church, like a service was just ending. My brother and I had to sneak into the church through the back so nobody would question why we were there. We went in through a back door and into a dim hallway that was pitch black at the far end.
The bathroom was near us, just to our right as we entered the hallway. When we got into the bathroom it was light as day. I looked into the stalls. I saw a pale white man's legs. I thought, But didn't we just turn on the light? (???) Then this man has been sitting on the toilet in the dark all this time.
I thought the man may have been a pervert, lurking in wait for prey. I didn't want to be here long enough for the man to attack me and my brother or to have us be associated with him.
My brother had a box of all kinds of fruit. We might have been washing it off in the sink.
Dream #2
I sat on two beds that were arranged in an L-shape in a dim room. I faced three mirrors. This room was an office for my company, but in my hometown of Denver instead of in New York. I had come back to Denver to work.
In the mirror I saw that I had long hair. As I arranged my hair I realized how much I looked like a woman. Each mirror gave me a different reflection that made me look like a different woman. Each reflection was the image of a woman I actually knew. The women were all girls I had gone to school with or worked with. They were probably all Hispanic. I hadn't liked them a lot, and I was pretty sure I didn't want to be them. But I was impressed with how good I looked. I may have been wearing a black dress.
Now some women walked down the hallway and past the room I was in. They didn't seem to see me, although they looked into the room.
One of the women said, "He's here from New York." I knew the woman was talking about me. I couldn't let the women see me this way, not while I looked like a woman. I was lucky they hadn't seen me already.
I reached forward and slowly closed the door. When the door clicked closed I worried that the women, hearing the door close, would feel alienated, like I had shut them out of the room for no reason other than my not wanting to see them. But, I thought, as soon as I changed back into looking like a man I would open the door again.
Dream #3
I was playing checkers or chess with my brother or my oldest nephew. The board was tan with brown squares. My brother/nephew made the opening move, some specific move he always liked to start with that somehow effectively "finished" the game in his favor. I would usually make normal moves from there on out and eventually lose the game.
But this time I stepped back and thought out how I could move. Apparently the move would always force me to bring out my front pieces, which would leave my back pieces defenseless. This time I moved one of my back pieces in a way that caused my brother/nephew to have to move again, thus taking himself out of the spot where he could constantly take out my front pieces.
Around this point the port had switched back and forth between a real board and a touchscreen computer board. When the board was the digital board, I found it hard, from my angle, to see which piece I was actually touching.
My brother/nephew was at a loss for a moment. I explained to my brother/nephew how I had come up with that move. As I did I saw one of the pieces on my brother/nephew's side of the board, in the lower, left quadrant. It was a big, tan square, like an Aztec glyph. I imagined it clicking two moves to the right. I tried to remember what role this glyph played in the game.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
(1/26/08) crowley's catholic wedding
(Entered in paper journal at 8 AM on Q-train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.)
Dream #1
I was driving in a car along a hill in very dark night. Down the hill I saw a city which I thought of as Albuquerque. The city was spiral, in an almost hexagonal pattern. I felt like I lived in a trailer on the outskirts of the town.
From the center of teh city the "power" went out. The very center of the city was black, lightless, except a tiny circle of light, as in the center of a pentagon. From the center the orange and yellowish lights went out, to the edge of the city. All that were left were greyish-white lights, although those lights may actually have provided half the light in the city.
I felt like the town's energy had gone out because people hadn't been conserving, and so it would go out completely if people didn't finally start conserving. I wondered about my trailer on the outskirts of town. I couldn't doubt that I, too, had not conserved. But was I wasting energy even now, while I wasn't even in the trailer? I thought I should consider every way in which I could conserve.
I was in a church. There was a wedding, possibly between my old boss and constant mentor, EB, and a blonde woman. I stood near the back of the church. The church was brightly lit and full of people. EB (?) stood at the back of the church, in business attire rather than a tuxedo. He was a couple rows ahead of me, but on his side (the left side) of the church it seemed the pews ended a couple rows up from the rows on my side, so that EB and I both stood behind the back pews of our respective sides.
I stood by the bride, who was dressed in a normal wedding gown. At one point I leaned close and spoke with the bride. She was standing. She may suddenly have been wearing a thick, pink nightgown. At this point I may also have been a woman and wearing the same thing.
I was myself again. Everybody was kneeling for part of the church service, as if this were now a regular Catholic (?) service. The bride may have knelt (in her wedding gown again) on a footstool. I may have tried to go up a couple rows to find some space available on one of the kneeling benches in the pews.
As I looked I saw a glass door to my right. Through the door I saw another sanctuary, also full of people. A couple people, my co-worker CR and a tall man with a wide, baldish head and white hair, were walking toward the door.
The man was a Lutheran minister, and he wore a collar. I thought he had come dressed up for the wedding. I had previously only seen him in regular clothes. I didn't know if he knew me, but I knew him. I was happy to see him dressed up.
I was getting ready to hold the door open for the man and CR. But the man brusquely opened the door, almost pushing me over, and walked past me, barely acknowledging me, and not acknowledging me in any friendly way. I was shocked.
I saw a sign, as if it were turned on its side. The sign was maybe eight feet long and one foot wide. There was white lettering against a red background for most of it, but on the far right side was a black and white photo of a man who looked like Aleister Crowley except with a huge, black beard and a broad-brimmed hat.
The words that took up most of the sign described this man and were pairs of adjectives separated by slashes. The description pairs weren't quite opposites, more like between opposites and complements. The last part was "tall by nature and tall by stature/but always a stranger."
Dream #1
I was driving in a car along a hill in very dark night. Down the hill I saw a city which I thought of as Albuquerque. The city was spiral, in an almost hexagonal pattern. I felt like I lived in a trailer on the outskirts of the town.
From the center of teh city the "power" went out. The very center of the city was black, lightless, except a tiny circle of light, as in the center of a pentagon. From the center the orange and yellowish lights went out, to the edge of the city. All that were left were greyish-white lights, although those lights may actually have provided half the light in the city.
I felt like the town's energy had gone out because people hadn't been conserving, and so it would go out completely if people didn't finally start conserving. I wondered about my trailer on the outskirts of town. I couldn't doubt that I, too, had not conserved. But was I wasting energy even now, while I wasn't even in the trailer? I thought I should consider every way in which I could conserve.
I was in a church. There was a wedding, possibly between my old boss and constant mentor, EB, and a blonde woman. I stood near the back of the church. The church was brightly lit and full of people. EB (?) stood at the back of the church, in business attire rather than a tuxedo. He was a couple rows ahead of me, but on his side (the left side) of the church it seemed the pews ended a couple rows up from the rows on my side, so that EB and I both stood behind the back pews of our respective sides.
I stood by the bride, who was dressed in a normal wedding gown. At one point I leaned close and spoke with the bride. She was standing. She may suddenly have been wearing a thick, pink nightgown. At this point I may also have been a woman and wearing the same thing.
I was myself again. Everybody was kneeling for part of the church service, as if this were now a regular Catholic (?) service. The bride may have knelt (in her wedding gown again) on a footstool. I may have tried to go up a couple rows to find some space available on one of the kneeling benches in the pews.
As I looked I saw a glass door to my right. Through the door I saw another sanctuary, also full of people. A couple people, my co-worker CR and a tall man with a wide, baldish head and white hair, were walking toward the door.
The man was a Lutheran minister, and he wore a collar. I thought he had come dressed up for the wedding. I had previously only seen him in regular clothes. I didn't know if he knew me, but I knew him. I was happy to see him dressed up.
I was getting ready to hold the door open for the man and CR. But the man brusquely opened the door, almost pushing me over, and walked past me, barely acknowledging me, and not acknowledging me in any friendly way. I was shocked.
I saw a sign, as if it were turned on its side. The sign was maybe eight feet long and one foot wide. There was white lettering against a red background for most of it, but on the far right side was a black and white photo of a man who looked like Aleister Crowley except with a huge, black beard and a broad-brimmed hat.
The words that took up most of the sign described this man and were pairs of adjectives separated by slashes. The description pairs weren't quite opposites, more like between opposites and complements. The last part was "tall by nature and tall by stature/but always a stranger."
(1/27/08) building theories of color and skating
(Entered in paper journal at 6:30 AM.)
Dream #1
I walked through a chain link gate opening into a conference event that was set up under tents in a large area like a parking lot. The conference was something like a homebuilding industry conference.
There were some middle-aged women under a small tent before the large tent. They had a bunch of flyers in bins and on the table. Some flyers were actually just huge name and address lists for homebuilders across the nation. I picked up one of the flyers.
I walked toward the entrance of the large tent, wondering whether I had enough money to go inside, or if I even wanted to spend the money to go inside. To my left was the tent I had just come from. To my right were a bunch of milk crates full of stuff as if at a garage sale. The aisle between these two areas was maybe only three or four feet wide.
I looked into the milk crates. The crates were full of used books. Three books in particular caught my eye. One was a flat-colored, thickish book with a depiction of something like church communion on it. The book might have had a title related to the Catholic church. Another book was a paperback. The cover had coloration like an overexposed photo of a sunset. It was titled something like A Word on Kerenyi.
The third book was a large picture book. It was apparently an essay on color by a modern philosopher or artist I liked a lot. The cover photo was very dark, with just glows of bright color, as if a photo of a window were being taken from inside a dark house.
I was very interested in this book. I picked it up and looked through it. The photos were all somehow very normal. One photo in particular might have been of a girl in a bikini on the beach. The photos all had a weird, but not extremely weird, coloration.
I couldn't see what these photos were teaching about color. But I felt that if I looked closely enough at the photos for a while I might understand. I decided I would buy the book instead of (?) going into the conference. The book cost $23.50. The conference cost $21.
I was inside a building, in an area like the third-floor ballroom-like area in the Brooklyn Museum of Art except smaller, more polished, and lit by candlelight. I was skateboarding through the room. I heard my brother telling me how another person (a long-haired, Hispanic man) had taught him how to skateboard better than I'd taught him.
It was now like I was skating like, or even in the identity of, the other person. I/he was skating smoother than I had ever skated. I was jealous of the other man for having been able to teach my brother so well.
Dream #1
I walked through a chain link gate opening into a conference event that was set up under tents in a large area like a parking lot. The conference was something like a homebuilding industry conference.
There were some middle-aged women under a small tent before the large tent. They had a bunch of flyers in bins and on the table. Some flyers were actually just huge name and address lists for homebuilders across the nation. I picked up one of the flyers.
I walked toward the entrance of the large tent, wondering whether I had enough money to go inside, or if I even wanted to spend the money to go inside. To my left was the tent I had just come from. To my right were a bunch of milk crates full of stuff as if at a garage sale. The aisle between these two areas was maybe only three or four feet wide.
I looked into the milk crates. The crates were full of used books. Three books in particular caught my eye. One was a flat-colored, thickish book with a depiction of something like church communion on it. The book might have had a title related to the Catholic church. Another book was a paperback. The cover had coloration like an overexposed photo of a sunset. It was titled something like A Word on Kerenyi.
The third book was a large picture book. It was apparently an essay on color by a modern philosopher or artist I liked a lot. The cover photo was very dark, with just glows of bright color, as if a photo of a window were being taken from inside a dark house.
I was very interested in this book. I picked it up and looked through it. The photos were all somehow very normal. One photo in particular might have been of a girl in a bikini on the beach. The photos all had a weird, but not extremely weird, coloration.
I couldn't see what these photos were teaching about color. But I felt that if I looked closely enough at the photos for a while I might understand. I decided I would buy the book instead of (?) going into the conference. The book cost $23.50. The conference cost $21.
I was inside a building, in an area like the third-floor ballroom-like area in the Brooklyn Museum of Art except smaller, more polished, and lit by candlelight. I was skateboarding through the room. I heard my brother telling me how another person (a long-haired, Hispanic man) had taught him how to skateboard better than I'd taught him.
It was now like I was skating like, or even in the identity of, the other person. I/he was skating smoother than I had ever skated. I was jealous of the other man for having been able to teach my brother so well.
Monday, December 31, 2012
(2/1/09) who'll get fired?; the shooting game; a new religion
(Entered in paper journal at 8:22 AM at Red Horse cafe in Brooklyn.)
Dream #1
I walked through an office hallway. The hallway was narrow, with harsh, white, fluorescent light, grey carpet, and greyish walls. It was like a maze, or it was like this hallway would break off into other maze-like hallways.
I came to a small room, like a pantry, to my right. The head of my department, MR, stood before a tight circle of people, mostly low-level workers like me. He was talking about planning something out, like who would still be working here. He asked the people around him not to say anything.
I was now in a big, warm swimming pool in a room with warm, tan tiling on the walls and floor. The water in the pool was clear and green with depth. I swam before a weird "computer," like an old television with wires connecting in tangles to a rough set of units below it.
My old boss BS swam somewhere behind me and to my left. He said, "Well, I wonder who it's going to be who stays. Well, anyway, it's gonna happen soon." BS stepped out of the pool and told me he'd see me later.
Dream #2
I was in a big room like a mix between a studio and an inner courtyard. The room probably had black walls and columns, like a small theater, and probably had a big window showing blue sky out front. There were a few people with me.
One person and I were having something like a gunfight. We were both climbing up and down aluminum ladders, possibly trying to get up to a balcony level. The man shot me in my ribs, on my left side. The shot was like a puff of air. I don't think the shot hurt, but it made me flinch and it scared me somehow. I was disappointed in myself for having been so weak.
The scene replayed, or else the man and I, as if we were rehearsing, started our actions over again. The man was long-haired, possibly Asian. He was explaining to me how this whole thing worked. He showed me that we shot little, neon-green pellets out of our guns. The pellets were soft, like Styrofoam. They didn't hurt at all. They were really fast, but their impact was like it had no speed.
The man shot me again in the ribs, and I flinched again and got scared.
Dream #3
I was with either my old friend R or my brother. We were in a gigantic structure which may itself have been an entire city, an ancient city. The structure was all made out of huge, tan blocks of stone, and warm, soft light flowed into the structure, possibly from windows high up on the walls.
I had gone out of one room and into another. I had been speaking with R/my brother, and was now considering whether to change my religion. The room I was in now may actually have been like a library with grey stone walls. There may have been a long, maroon, velvety banner hanging down from a narrow wall, like one would expect to see draping down behind a throne. I tried to consider the differences in the religions I was deciding between.
I went back into the tan room. All along the walls were doorways to different churches. It was now like I was flying past, and just over, all the doorways, focusing in particular on three doorways. One was to a Catholic church. There may have been a statue of a church official before the door and to the left. I thought there was something I did like about this church, like the monks, but that the overall view of this church didn't match mine.
The next doorway I focused on was something like a Lutheran church, but with some kind of new-age ideology combined with it. I thought this was my church. I felt some kind of familiarity with it, and thought this must have been where I should go. But then I realized there was a lot of stuff in this church's ideology that I didn't feel comfortable with intellectually, and that I felt might actually make me soft or unhealthy. Before this doorway, to the left, was a sculpture, maybe five or six feet tall, of a palm branch.
These first two doorways had been along the left wall of the building, both toward the middle of the wall. The next doorway I focused on was on the right wall, near the top corner, and off to the right of it may actually have been an altar. This doorway was for the Lutheran church. I may have headed directly for this doorway after the previous doorway, as if I needed to convince myself that this doorway actually existed, that the stable church I was looking for was real, not just existing in admixture with things I didn't believe.
I may have been standing on the ground now, not flying. The room itself may also actually have been a sanctuary, with dim lighting, dark walls, and purple carpeting. But the stone doorway to the church still stood in the wall.
Dream #1
I walked through an office hallway. The hallway was narrow, with harsh, white, fluorescent light, grey carpet, and greyish walls. It was like a maze, or it was like this hallway would break off into other maze-like hallways.
I came to a small room, like a pantry, to my right. The head of my department, MR, stood before a tight circle of people, mostly low-level workers like me. He was talking about planning something out, like who would still be working here. He asked the people around him not to say anything.
I was now in a big, warm swimming pool in a room with warm, tan tiling on the walls and floor. The water in the pool was clear and green with depth. I swam before a weird "computer," like an old television with wires connecting in tangles to a rough set of units below it.
My old boss BS swam somewhere behind me and to my left. He said, "Well, I wonder who it's going to be who stays. Well, anyway, it's gonna happen soon." BS stepped out of the pool and told me he'd see me later.
Dream #2
I was in a big room like a mix between a studio and an inner courtyard. The room probably had black walls and columns, like a small theater, and probably had a big window showing blue sky out front. There were a few people with me.
One person and I were having something like a gunfight. We were both climbing up and down aluminum ladders, possibly trying to get up to a balcony level. The man shot me in my ribs, on my left side. The shot was like a puff of air. I don't think the shot hurt, but it made me flinch and it scared me somehow. I was disappointed in myself for having been so weak.
The scene replayed, or else the man and I, as if we were rehearsing, started our actions over again. The man was long-haired, possibly Asian. He was explaining to me how this whole thing worked. He showed me that we shot little, neon-green pellets out of our guns. The pellets were soft, like Styrofoam. They didn't hurt at all. They were really fast, but their impact was like it had no speed.
The man shot me again in the ribs, and I flinched again and got scared.
Dream #3
I was with either my old friend R or my brother. We were in a gigantic structure which may itself have been an entire city, an ancient city. The structure was all made out of huge, tan blocks of stone, and warm, soft light flowed into the structure, possibly from windows high up on the walls.
I had gone out of one room and into another. I had been speaking with R/my brother, and was now considering whether to change my religion. The room I was in now may actually have been like a library with grey stone walls. There may have been a long, maroon, velvety banner hanging down from a narrow wall, like one would expect to see draping down behind a throne. I tried to consider the differences in the religions I was deciding between.
I went back into the tan room. All along the walls were doorways to different churches. It was now like I was flying past, and just over, all the doorways, focusing in particular on three doorways. One was to a Catholic church. There may have been a statue of a church official before the door and to the left. I thought there was something I did like about this church, like the monks, but that the overall view of this church didn't match mine.
The next doorway I focused on was something like a Lutheran church, but with some kind of new-age ideology combined with it. I thought this was my church. I felt some kind of familiarity with it, and thought this must have been where I should go. But then I realized there was a lot of stuff in this church's ideology that I didn't feel comfortable with intellectually, and that I felt might actually make me soft or unhealthy. Before this doorway, to the left, was a sculpture, maybe five or six feet tall, of a palm branch.
These first two doorways had been along the left wall of the building, both toward the middle of the wall. The next doorway I focused on was on the right wall, near the top corner, and off to the right of it may actually have been an altar. This doorway was for the Lutheran church. I may have headed directly for this doorway after the previous doorway, as if I needed to convince myself that this doorway actually existed, that the stable church I was looking for was real, not just existing in admixture with things I didn't believe.
I may have been standing on the ground now, not flying. The room itself may also actually have been a sanctuary, with dim lighting, dark walls, and purple carpeting. But the stone doorway to the church still stood in the wall.
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