(Entered in paper journal at 5:17 PM at Starbucks at 43rd Street and 3rd Avenue in Manhattan.)
Dream 1
I was with a crew of people "from my Americorps NYC Parks program," possibly in the van. One of my Americorps coworkers, EP, was the crew chief.
At some point, possibly because I had done something overbearing/annoying, EP said, "I always have a bottle hidden away to keep me XXXXX" (soaked up? drunk?) "for the whole work day."
I "thought back to" a training we'd had on drinking and driving. I now knew I had to tell my boss (BA?) that EP had been drinking on the job. But as I went to tell, I felt EP following me. Perhaps he had now become my actual crew leader, SM. I knew he was either going to beat me up or kill me for even trying to report him.
But now I was at a party for the Americorps crew members. The party was held in a women's clothing store full of lunchroom tables. A bunch of the new girls, all skinny, pretty, and white, waved at me as I tried to sneak up to some clothes near a dressing room and try on the clothes near a dressing room and try on the clothes.
As I tried to make an excuse for my actions I got feeling that everybody already knew about me and they wanted me to get dressed up.
Showing posts with label making excuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label making excuse. Show all posts
Saturday, February 25, 2017
(12/30/05) why aren't you calling?
(Entered in paper journal at 6:24 PM at Flying Saucer Cafe in Brooklyn.)
Dream 1
I was kneeling down in a dim, shag-carpeted room. My mom stood behind me. I got some message from my friend KB asking me about something I'd forgotten. It was plain the call was more about KB just wanting to talk again, wanting to reconnect as a friend. I'd thought, I have to call her. But I had waited and waited.
Now KB called my mom's phone: a beige, rotary, wall-phone. As my mom spoke I realized who it was she was talking to. I felt ashamed for having waited so long to call KB. My mom handed me the phone. As KB spoke I think I was trying to formulate an excuse for not having spoken with her in so long.
Dream 1
I was kneeling down in a dim, shag-carpeted room. My mom stood behind me. I got some message from my friend KB asking me about something I'd forgotten. It was plain the call was more about KB just wanting to talk again, wanting to reconnect as a friend. I'd thought, I have to call her. But I had waited and waited.
Now KB called my mom's phone: a beige, rotary, wall-phone. As my mom spoke I realized who it was she was talking to. I felt ashamed for having waited so long to call KB. My mom handed me the phone. As KB spoke I think I was trying to formulate an excuse for not having spoken with her in so long.
Sunday, February 5, 2017
(10/12/06) the flesh-colored whale;the kids from the jets
(Entered in paper journal at 8 PM at home in Brooklyn.)
Dream 1
I was flying over bodies of water. They were in all different sizes and types but in weird, distorted senses. They all had disgusting, dirty water I was afraid to touch. At one point I flew over a "pool" like where a sandbox would be in a "playground." The "sandbox/pool" had a ghastly floor like limestone lumps or toad skin.
I stood by a swing set on a sandbar that edged into a large body of water. The singer Beck was by me, accusing me of something that implied I didn't value him as a person. I tried to prove that wasn't so.
I was flying over the body of water. Soon I was in it -- I had to go in it. I had to go under it and find a flesh-colored whale. There were lots of giant fish down there.
Somewhere far off, people were watching me. I had to prove to them that I was brave. But I also simply needed to find the whale -- regardless of how much I didn't want to.
The water disgusted me -- it was opaque and brown. I just waded in it. But I didn't want to go under the surface. There you couldn't see anything. Nothing was particularly bad. It was just disgusting -- fish deformed, fleshy, like severed arms. I was afraid they could bump into me without seeing me and spook me so much I would go crazy or contract a disease. But still I had to do it.
Dream 2
I was in some kind of building. Through wide, short windows I saw a Stealth Bomber. I called it something like an SR-10. It flew from left to right. I heard some people talking. Then I saw a couple Blackbirds. Then a whole procession of black jets, like cars of a train, blasted before the window.
I hurried outside to see. I was on a concrete area at the top of gravel hill (artificial) bordered by a fence. The jets flew low enough to be at eye level (obviously). But by the time I got outside all the black jets were gone. There were only grey jets, and only a few.
Some Mexican people, mostly kids, were chattering nearby. Some had been dropped off by some of the jets. I looked to my right, down the roughly two-hundred-foot slope, to a lot (like a parking lot!) full of jets.
The kids asked me if they could stay at my place (while they waited for the next wave of jets to come pick them up?). I thought to my place -- how I had left girl clothes everywhere and how the kids might dislike me for the girl clothes. I also thought of how dirty my place was.
I thought I couldn't have the kids stay with me and see what a loser I was. I gave the kids a weird excuse -- (I had to talk to my "landlady"?) -- making it clear I had to go away for a moment and then come back and tell the kids if they could stay, though I (possibly they) already knew it couldn't happen.
I was disappointed in myself. I thought, I can't even be brave enough to let these people into my house?
Dream 1
I was flying over bodies of water. They were in all different sizes and types but in weird, distorted senses. They all had disgusting, dirty water I was afraid to touch. At one point I flew over a "pool" like where a sandbox would be in a "playground." The "sandbox/pool" had a ghastly floor like limestone lumps or toad skin.
I stood by a swing set on a sandbar that edged into a large body of water. The singer Beck was by me, accusing me of something that implied I didn't value him as a person. I tried to prove that wasn't so.
I was flying over the body of water. Soon I was in it -- I had to go in it. I had to go under it and find a flesh-colored whale. There were lots of giant fish down there.
Somewhere far off, people were watching me. I had to prove to them that I was brave. But I also simply needed to find the whale -- regardless of how much I didn't want to.
The water disgusted me -- it was opaque and brown. I just waded in it. But I didn't want to go under the surface. There you couldn't see anything. Nothing was particularly bad. It was just disgusting -- fish deformed, fleshy, like severed arms. I was afraid they could bump into me without seeing me and spook me so much I would go crazy or contract a disease. But still I had to do it.
Dream 2
I was in some kind of building. Through wide, short windows I saw a Stealth Bomber. I called it something like an SR-10. It flew from left to right. I heard some people talking. Then I saw a couple Blackbirds. Then a whole procession of black jets, like cars of a train, blasted before the window.
I hurried outside to see. I was on a concrete area at the top of gravel hill (artificial) bordered by a fence. The jets flew low enough to be at eye level (obviously). But by the time I got outside all the black jets were gone. There were only grey jets, and only a few.
Some Mexican people, mostly kids, were chattering nearby. Some had been dropped off by some of the jets. I looked to my right, down the roughly two-hundred-foot slope, to a lot (like a parking lot!) full of jets.
The kids asked me if they could stay at my place (while they waited for the next wave of jets to come pick them up?). I thought to my place -- how I had left girl clothes everywhere and how the kids might dislike me for the girl clothes. I also thought of how dirty my place was.
I thought I couldn't have the kids stay with me and see what a loser I was. I gave the kids a weird excuse -- (I had to talk to my "landlady"?) -- making it clear I had to go away for a moment and then come back and tell the kids if they could stay, though I (possibly they) already knew it couldn't happen.
I was disappointed in myself. I thought, I can't even be brave enough to let these people into my house?
Monday, February 18, 2013
(8/26/07) spoiling the candy tray
(Entered in paper journal at 6:15 AM on Q-train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.)
Dream #1
I was flying over an enormous courtyard of grey flagstone. It was early morning. The sky was grey-blue. I flew to the front end of the courtyard and down some steps. The courtyard might have been for the campus of a university. It was empty except for two or three people in a group.
As I flew over I heard a woman in the group tell a man in the group, "That's him! That's the one XXXXX was talking about. He can do drawings for our show. Go talk to him."
I had now landed on the stairs and was walking down the steps, to a small corridor and another courtyard. Some time had passed, but nobody had approached me. I thought, I could have volunteered my help. After all, I'd heard them talking about me. I walked back up the stairs.
(Now that I think about it (i.e. upon entering this dream into the paper journal), there might have been three open areas and two staircases, and while hearing the people speak I had flown through the first and second areas.)
I now flew up to a tunnel after (instead of before) the first area. On the wall to my left was a bulletin board. There was a weird character drawn on the board. He may have been depicting an Italian man with a big mustache and a tall top-hat. The drawing was done almost haphazardly. It was for either a play or a restaurant called Rice.
I thought, If this drawing is what the people were talking about, then I've missed my chance. If not, then I need to find those folks and talk to them.
I walked back down the steps and to the steps to the lowest level. As I descended the steps to the lowest level, a woman like KG, a head person at a New York City park I'd worked at during my Americorps program, called for me.
I turned to look up at KG. She was carrying a big tray of desserts. She walked down to meet me. We walked, in the golden morning sunlight, down the steps to a walkway like a red-cinder running track with lawn on either side.
KG told me, "I made" (or got?) "these new desserts. Try one. I figured I'd give you one to try that's the same kind as the one I try."
KG handed me a little white circle with a brownish, jellybean-like object at its center. KG then handed me the entire tray of candies and rushed ahead.
I wanted to try what KG had given me. But, looking at the tray -- a lightweight, ornate, silver tray, almost circular, with all the candies slid and piled awkwardly to one side, I can't remember which -- I saw a chocolate candy like the one KG had given me. I ate that candy instead of the one KG had given me.
The candy was weird. It had a thin skin that burst open, letting out chocolaty goo. I looked at all the other candies. I wanted to try more, but I couldn't remember whether the candies were each specifically needed for some special event. I now worried that, by eating the candy off the tray instead of eating the candy KG had handed me, I had messed up KG's event.
I thought about making up an excuse. I thought, I'll eat the candy KG gave me, as well. That way KG will at least know I ate the proper candy, even if I also ate an improper piece of candy.
I was now down on the red-cinder track. The track had somehow filled up with people who were jostling me this way and that.
I now thought I could excuse myself for missing one of the pieces of candy by saying that I had gotten knocked about so much on the track that I may have accidentally lost one or two pieces of candy. I thought I would throw away a couple more pieces of candy, just so the situation would seem "more realistic." The first things I thought I should throw away were a couple of pretzel sticks.
Dream #1
I was flying over an enormous courtyard of grey flagstone. It was early morning. The sky was grey-blue. I flew to the front end of the courtyard and down some steps. The courtyard might have been for the campus of a university. It was empty except for two or three people in a group.
As I flew over I heard a woman in the group tell a man in the group, "That's him! That's the one XXXXX was talking about. He can do drawings for our show. Go talk to him."
I had now landed on the stairs and was walking down the steps, to a small corridor and another courtyard. Some time had passed, but nobody had approached me. I thought, I could have volunteered my help. After all, I'd heard them talking about me. I walked back up the stairs.
(Now that I think about it (i.e. upon entering this dream into the paper journal), there might have been three open areas and two staircases, and while hearing the people speak I had flown through the first and second areas.)
I now flew up to a tunnel after (instead of before) the first area. On the wall to my left was a bulletin board. There was a weird character drawn on the board. He may have been depicting an Italian man with a big mustache and a tall top-hat. The drawing was done almost haphazardly. It was for either a play or a restaurant called Rice.
I thought, If this drawing is what the people were talking about, then I've missed my chance. If not, then I need to find those folks and talk to them.
I walked back down the steps and to the steps to the lowest level. As I descended the steps to the lowest level, a woman like KG, a head person at a New York City park I'd worked at during my Americorps program, called for me.
I turned to look up at KG. She was carrying a big tray of desserts. She walked down to meet me. We walked, in the golden morning sunlight, down the steps to a walkway like a red-cinder running track with lawn on either side.
KG told me, "I made" (or got?) "these new desserts. Try one. I figured I'd give you one to try that's the same kind as the one I try."
KG handed me a little white circle with a brownish, jellybean-like object at its center. KG then handed me the entire tray of candies and rushed ahead.
I wanted to try what KG had given me. But, looking at the tray -- a lightweight, ornate, silver tray, almost circular, with all the candies slid and piled awkwardly to one side, I can't remember which -- I saw a chocolate candy like the one KG had given me. I ate that candy instead of the one KG had given me.
The candy was weird. It had a thin skin that burst open, letting out chocolaty goo. I looked at all the other candies. I wanted to try more, but I couldn't remember whether the candies were each specifically needed for some special event. I now worried that, by eating the candy off the tray instead of eating the candy KG had handed me, I had messed up KG's event.
I thought about making up an excuse. I thought, I'll eat the candy KG gave me, as well. That way KG will at least know I ate the proper candy, even if I also ate an improper piece of candy.
I was now down on the red-cinder track. The track had somehow filled up with people who were jostling me this way and that.
I now thought I could excuse myself for missing one of the pieces of candy by saying that I had gotten knocked about so much on the track that I may have accidentally lost one or two pieces of candy. I thought I would throw away a couple more pieces of candy, just so the situation would seem "more realistic." The first things I thought I should throw away were a couple of pretzel sticks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)