Saturday, November 17, 2012

(9/23/09) ashamed of masturbation

(Entered in paper journal at 8:52 AM at Sit & Wonder cafe in Brooklyn.)

Dream #1

It was daytime. I was in smallish, cluttered bedroom. I knelt on the foot of the bed, which stood in the corner of the room. The bed had one window at its head and one at its right side. There were probably clothes scattered all over the bed. The blinds on the windows were open, revealing a blue sky and somewhat dense, bright canopies of trees outside.

I was getting ready to masturbate while pretending I was a woman. I had a big, clear, plastic dildo in my hand. I thought I would lay on my back and, wearing some kind of lingerie, run the dildo against my crotch as if I were a woman being made love to by another woman wearing a dildo. I imagined myself as a woman, possibly Hispanic, with pale olive skin, a thin figure, long, crimped-curly hair, and a thin, high-cheeked, cat-eyed face.

But instead of rubbing the dildo against my crotch and pretending I had a vagina, I began tipping the dildo against my anus. I didn't want to admit it at first, but I liked it. Before I knew it, I had slid the dildo up my anus. I knew I would masturbate like this until I came.

But I now realized that all my windows were open and that the neighbors might see me masturbating. So I began pulling the blinds down or closing them. As I did this, though, I noticed that the blinds were in really bad shape, and that even once they were all the way closed, they would not conceal my room entirely. If my neighbors were looking, they would see, at least a little bit, into my room while I masturbated.

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