(1/19/06) rescuing my mom; laundering my panties in public

(Entered in paper journal at Starbucks on 43rd Street and 3rd Avenue. No time info given.)

Dream 1

I was in a house which may have started out as a large building like a party area or an auditorium. I think there were a fair amount of people there at first. But at some point something bad happened.

The auditorium became more like a house and then more like a huge, exaggerated version of the house my family lived in when I was in my late junior high and early high school years. The lights were all out, and something bad was in the house. The rooms were like mazes.

I felt mom's presence somewhere, "seeing" her trapped by a stage. I ran either to help her or to escape the house. I f I ran to escape, I stopped at getting outdoors, to the "carport." A bolt of electricity smashed something down to the ground. The clouds were thick and dark, and yet far enough away and dry enough to make the windy, rolling atmosphere feel like an enormous room or warehouse.

I told myself, It's too dangerous to go this way. My mom can't be helped.

I now felt a surge of courage or simple muscular energy. I ran back into the house to help my mom. I got to the stage of the auditorium (or perhaps I just "saw" it).

Another charge of electricity smashed the ceiling down in front of my mom. The house was dark and quiet, and I was somewhere else inside. I may still have been searching for my mom. But I was really unfocused.

The house was smashed. I was definitely trying to escape. The bad thing was somewhere, and I had no idea what it was like or what condition it was in, or how it was tracking or lying in wait for its prey. Pretty soon I got lost in thoughts about whether I was a coward.

Then I felt people coming in from the carport door. I ran into the living area, which was now much less exaggerated and which had nice, incandescent lighting. I leaped at the doorknob just as an Asian couple opened the door. They complained to me that I shouldn't be here and that they had reserved this place for themselves.

As they fumbled and slid past me, I tried to yell them out of the house. They had "broken the mood" and changed the house back to normal. Now, since my fears were gone, I had no more chance to vindicate myself and prove myself not to be a coward.

Dream 2

I was in a busy laundromat. I went to a dryer to pull out my clothes. I saw that I had a lot of panties in my laundry. I was ashamed to pull the clothes out of the dryer.

A couple of unknown "friend" guys stood by dryers near me. But I was really worried about my mom, who was only a short way behind me.

Someone, possibly even my mom, though it also feels like my friend ML, said, "If doing your laundry in public makes you so nervous, why don't you just do your laundry at home?"

I realized I had a washer and dryer at home. I thought, It's so easy. Why didn't I realize before that I had that option?

(2/26/06) my outburst; the reject rejects; "my mom" and my mom

(Entered in paper journal at 9:07 AM at Starbucks on 1st Street and 7th Avenue in Brooklyn.)

Dream 1

I was in a room like an elementary school cafeteria/art room with plenty of windows and construction paper cutouts somewhere. I stood before a woman. I was yelling at her because she hadn't informed me of something or had left me out of something.

The woman kept a blank expression. I regretted a little that I had made the outburst, since the woman probably was now planning to use her power to punish me.

I had a Styrofoam container of a Halal rice dish and "salad," all in white sauce. I was shoveling all this food into my mouth. I almost finished the salad, which may have been the only thing left.

Dream 2

I sat in a dim, natural-lit room that may have had grey walls. There were two couches, one against the back wall, one against the right wall. I sat on the couch against the right wall.

Someone, maybe my senior coworker DB, was interviewing me for a Parks position. The man said something that made me realize I didn't want the position. I told him so.

Now I sat in a strange position facing the couch, watching while in my old position sat my friend (and a coworker from my time with Americorps in the NYC Parks) KB, except that maybe she was a man.

This person and "DB" got along really well. The person asked all kinds of questions I should have asked during my interview. I was welcome with the other two, but I could tell "DB" was happy he had gotten the other guy instead of me.

I tried to justify myself, saying, Well, I rejected the job, anyway. But I knew that really didn't matter.

Dream 3

I was with some of my family and maybe with my mom's friend TH's family. We were in the woods. It was night. We all sat on a barren or pine needle-strewn patch of ground bordered by a couple cars and before either a movie screen or a car with a movie screen on it. A movie was about to start.

TH and a person who was supposed to be "my mom" were bringing us plates of lasagna. But my mom (i.e. my actual mom) and some (?) members of the family weren't there. I suddenly felt a dread -- my mom was in extreme danger. I had to go to her. But TH and "my mom" (?) wouldn't let me go.

I was now in a kitchen like at the house my family lived in through my junior high and early high school years. It was dark, with lightning outside. "My mom" (different person again) stood above me as I, like a little kid, lay on my stomach. I then sat cross-legged. I still had to find my mom. But I at least felt that putting myself here got me closer to the heart of the danger I had to save my mom from.

"My mom" and I were making lasagna. I held the pan in my hands. We were half done. Chunks of seasoned sausage in the grease released by cooking filled the pan halfway. I may have eaten some of it.