(Entered in paper journal at 12:17 PM at Starbucks.)
Dream #1
I stood before a cabin or wood house which may have been floating on a pond or lake. I saw a space shuttle fly overhead. As I tilted my head back, I saw the shuttle veer downward quickly. It made a kind of backward dive into the water. The shuttle was now very small, maybe only fifteen feet long. It splashed very lightly.
I turned my back on the shuttle and rounded a corner to avoid seeing the shuttle completely submerge in the water. I was afraid the shuttle would explode. But then I wanted to see the shuttle or see if the people who had presumably been inside were alright.
I walked around the house (away from where the shuttle had fallen) and onto shore, into a hillside. The light was very golden and the grass was very green. I wondered how I could get over the water to the point where the shuttle had submerged. I thought I could fly.
I flew until I got to a house which was something like a ticket booth for getting into the lake. I walked past the booth, but actually on the turnstiles and line railings. I thought if anybody saw me actually flying they'd think I was crazy.
I was now flying over the lake, just near the shore. I was right over the spot where the shuttle had crashed. The water was dirtyish and greenish. A black and purple, slightly glittery rubber bouncy ball flew upward into my right hand.
I thought I should go down into the water to find the shuttle, to pull people out if they needed help. But instead, without my control (?), I was flying into the air. I flew past and over the house. The sky was a cool blue, dotted by tiny, wispy, icy white clouds.
I told myself that there actually hadn't been any people in the shuttle. I thought there was another space vehicle that would crash down soon, more like the old "Mercury" space capsules (or like the contemporary Soyuz capsules, I should have told myself... or like the contemporary SpaceX capsules, I could tell myself today... ugh...). This capsule would have people in it. I could see the capsule in my mind's eye. It was silvery and bright, and had something like an orange-red parachute flapping over its top part.
I was afraid to be in the sky. I thought the capsule would smack into my head as it headed downward toward the lake. I kept flying. I may have convinced myself the vehicle wouldn't hit me.
Showing posts with label out of control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label out of control. Show all posts
Monday, January 7, 2013
(8/21/08) instructor of the flying building
(Entered in paper journal at 6:05 AM on Q-train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.)
Dream #1
It was daytime. I was in a flying building. I might have been a kid, with a couple other kids, or myself at my age, with a couple other people my age. An instructor or guide was with us.
The building was flying all over an enormous city like New York, as if it were giving us a tour. They daylight was golden, and the city seemed to expand forever.
We went past one building I found particularly beautiful -- it must have been enormous, larger than all the other buildings around it. It had a sleek shape, and its glassy walls had a metallic, purple, pink, orange, and gold iridescence to them.
After a while, the building started to go into a spin. I thought we were going to crash. We seemed to regain control, and we were now floating over the outskirts of the city. But it was still like we were going to crash.
We floated over a baseball field which I called Ebbets Field. We descended down to one of the top rows of seats, twisted around, and slammed into some kind of netting which stood at the end of an aisle. This was our crash -- and apparently our building was now small enough for this all to be possible.
For one moment I stood down on the field, looking up at the bleachers. They didn't seem to rise very high.
Now I stood in a big, dim, grey room. I stood in an area that was slightly divided from the rest of the room. The floor between men and the rest of the room rose up (like a step) about six inches, then made a platform about six feet wide. On the platform were possibly a few glasses with thick, figure-eight shapes with yellow and green fluid in them.
In the main area of the room were a group of people who were around my age. We were all waiting for our instructor to arrive. I made a comment about how if she was this late she might never arrive.
Now our instructor was here. The glasses were all replaced (or smashed?), each by three six-inch by six-inch squares of pale wood, the top square of which was painted a slatey grey on its top surface.
There was a comic-book-style drawing of the woman on the platform between the piles of wood. The drawing was of the woman looking over her shoulder, back at the spectator. The drawing was mostly in black and white, with some shading in a pine green.
I looked up. The woman stood before me in almost the same pose as in the drawing. The woman had a tough look about her. She wore a black tank top and green pants. Her skin was olive-toned, her eyes were greenish blue, and her hair was dark red-brown. The woman said something to me about how I shouldn't have thought she would never arrive.
Dream #1
It was daytime. I was in a flying building. I might have been a kid, with a couple other kids, or myself at my age, with a couple other people my age. An instructor or guide was with us.
The building was flying all over an enormous city like New York, as if it were giving us a tour. They daylight was golden, and the city seemed to expand forever.
We went past one building I found particularly beautiful -- it must have been enormous, larger than all the other buildings around it. It had a sleek shape, and its glassy walls had a metallic, purple, pink, orange, and gold iridescence to them.
After a while, the building started to go into a spin. I thought we were going to crash. We seemed to regain control, and we were now floating over the outskirts of the city. But it was still like we were going to crash.
We floated over a baseball field which I called Ebbets Field. We descended down to one of the top rows of seats, twisted around, and slammed into some kind of netting which stood at the end of an aisle. This was our crash -- and apparently our building was now small enough for this all to be possible.
For one moment I stood down on the field, looking up at the bleachers. They didn't seem to rise very high.
Now I stood in a big, dim, grey room. I stood in an area that was slightly divided from the rest of the room. The floor between men and the rest of the room rose up (like a step) about six inches, then made a platform about six feet wide. On the platform were possibly a few glasses with thick, figure-eight shapes with yellow and green fluid in them.
In the main area of the room were a group of people who were around my age. We were all waiting for our instructor to arrive. I made a comment about how if she was this late she might never arrive.
Now our instructor was here. The glasses were all replaced (or smashed?), each by three six-inch by six-inch squares of pale wood, the top square of which was painted a slatey grey on its top surface.
There was a comic-book-style drawing of the woman on the platform between the piles of wood. The drawing was of the woman looking over her shoulder, back at the spectator. The drawing was mostly in black and white, with some shading in a pine green.
I looked up. The woman stood before me in almost the same pose as in the drawing. The woman had a tough look about her. She wore a black tank top and green pants. Her skin was olive-toned, her eyes were greenish blue, and her hair was dark red-brown. The woman said something to me about how I shouldn't have thought she would never arrive.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
(9/10/08) co-worker quits; christopher street lingerie; annoyed by people
(Entered in paper journal at 6:15 AM on Q-train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.)
Dream #1
I sat on a large office floor. The lights were off, but some natural light came in through the windows. The light was grey and top-dim, like in a warehouse. Only my co-worker DE and I were here.
DE was talking on the phone about how he was going to quit, and something about how it had to do with me moving up. He hadn't told me anything yet, and I felt bad that I hadn't been kept in the loop regarding his actions. But I thought back a little and realized that he actually had said a lot of things in passing that had implied what his plans were.
DE now called to me. We were sitting in a small room, like the room of TM, one of my best friends from childhood. The room was dim, with just a purplish light (like from a fish tank) glittering somewhere. There were long desks against both walls, so that DE and I sat across the room from one another, our backs to each other.
I turned to face DE. His computer looked very old. DE told me he was quitting. He said something like, "I've known this for months now. Isn't management going to be surprised about that?"
Dream #2
I walked into some kind of store run by an older Asian woman. It was in an area like Christopher Street in the Village. The shop was very nice, with brick walls and wood floors. It was moderately busy. There may also have been a laundromat somewhere in the store.
I had to leave the store and get to work (?). But as I was heading out I found myself in a lingerie section. There was a lot of stuff there that I liked. The place was just a small alcove or room. I had to get out of it by crawling under my hands and knees under some cinder-material "board" that was being propped up by a pale wood bookshelf, which was to my left, and edging against the doorway, which was to my right.
As I did this I thought about how I'd seen this place before, possibly in a dream. I wondered what it could mean that I'd found such a place in real life after having dreamt it.
Dream #3
I walked into a cafe. A man, who may at first have been my old friend R, held the door open for me, but treated me in some annoying way as I crossed the threshold. The interior of the cafe was kind of cheap, almost like a fast food Mexican restaurant. The floors were red tile and the walls were thin, white plaster. The light was dim, with only a couple windows toward the back. The cash register was at the back, too, beside a stainless steel, cafeteria-style display counter that looked like it wasn't being used at all. There was a belt-barrier stretched around and away from the register counter.
As I walked toward the register, the man behind me acted really annoying. I looked back at him. He was a rich-looking, white man in a white t-shirt and some long shorts. I decided to fight back against him. But I only managed to lean back into him and push him backward.
The man smiled a queasy smile. I knew I hadn't annoyed him at all. I wondered what was making me let myself get annoyed so easily. Then I remembered: I had seen R again. Our last meeting had been awful. It ended so badly that R had asked if we could meet again to come to a better resolution on things. But I hadn't really wanted to see R ever again.
I was sitting at a table. R came in. He was wearing a gas mask. He may have had long, shaggy hair. He walked toward the cash register. Eventually he may have come and sat at the table with me, at which point we may have had a really creepy, tense conversation.
Dream #1
I sat on a large office floor. The lights were off, but some natural light came in through the windows. The light was grey and top-dim, like in a warehouse. Only my co-worker DE and I were here.
DE was talking on the phone about how he was going to quit, and something about how it had to do with me moving up. He hadn't told me anything yet, and I felt bad that I hadn't been kept in the loop regarding his actions. But I thought back a little and realized that he actually had said a lot of things in passing that had implied what his plans were.
DE now called to me. We were sitting in a small room, like the room of TM, one of my best friends from childhood. The room was dim, with just a purplish light (like from a fish tank) glittering somewhere. There were long desks against both walls, so that DE and I sat across the room from one another, our backs to each other.
I turned to face DE. His computer looked very old. DE told me he was quitting. He said something like, "I've known this for months now. Isn't management going to be surprised about that?"
Dream #2
I walked into some kind of store run by an older Asian woman. It was in an area like Christopher Street in the Village. The shop was very nice, with brick walls and wood floors. It was moderately busy. There may also have been a laundromat somewhere in the store.
I had to leave the store and get to work (?). But as I was heading out I found myself in a lingerie section. There was a lot of stuff there that I liked. The place was just a small alcove or room. I had to get out of it by crawling under my hands and knees under some cinder-material "board" that was being propped up by a pale wood bookshelf, which was to my left, and edging against the doorway, which was to my right.
As I did this I thought about how I'd seen this place before, possibly in a dream. I wondered what it could mean that I'd found such a place in real life after having dreamt it.
Dream #3
I walked into a cafe. A man, who may at first have been my old friend R, held the door open for me, but treated me in some annoying way as I crossed the threshold. The interior of the cafe was kind of cheap, almost like a fast food Mexican restaurant. The floors were red tile and the walls were thin, white plaster. The light was dim, with only a couple windows toward the back. The cash register was at the back, too, beside a stainless steel, cafeteria-style display counter that looked like it wasn't being used at all. There was a belt-barrier stretched around and away from the register counter.
As I walked toward the register, the man behind me acted really annoying. I looked back at him. He was a rich-looking, white man in a white t-shirt and some long shorts. I decided to fight back against him. But I only managed to lean back into him and push him backward.
The man smiled a queasy smile. I knew I hadn't annoyed him at all. I wondered what was making me let myself get annoyed so easily. Then I remembered: I had seen R again. Our last meeting had been awful. It ended so badly that R had asked if we could meet again to come to a better resolution on things. But I hadn't really wanted to see R ever again.
I was sitting at a table. R came in. He was wearing a gas mask. He may have had long, shaggy hair. He walked toward the cash register. Eventually he may have come and sat at the table with me, at which point we may have had a really creepy, tense conversation.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
(5/4/09) bathroom flood
(Entered in paper journal at 7:41 AM at Red Horse cafe in Brooklyn.)
Dream #1
It was night. I was probably in my apartment alone. But then I was in my apartment with my girlfriend H. I was in the bathroom. I was possibly sitting on the toilet at first. But then I was standing before my bathtub. The light in my bathroom was off. The shower curtain was open just a little.
I saw a couple little, black shapes darting around in the bathtub. I thought they were roaches. I was upset that I possibly had roaches in my house. But I wasn't sure what I had seen. So I pulled back the shower curtain.
There were little, black shapes darting around in the bathtub, some apparently two inches long, others of smaller size, down to tiny specks. These shapes didn't seem like roaches at all, now. They were formless, little blots. I thought they were products of my own sight, physical perturbations on my own eyes.
But I thought that, regardless of what the visions were, I had let my bathroom get too dirty. I thought that if I didn't clean my bathroom, real roaches eventually would show up. So I started sweeping my bathroom floor. As I cleaned, I could hear H talk about how she couldn't study unless her house was clean.
Some of the dust seemed caked on the floor or sticky. There was now sudsy water washing up and down the floor, around the toilet. It started sloshing back and forth so violently that I had to back out of the bathroom.
It seemed to be lightning and thundering outside. There didn't seem to be any lights on in the house. The water sloshed back and forth through about half the length of the bathroom.
H may have said something, worrying about the water staying or attracting more roaches. I said, "Don't worry. We just have to wait for it to drain away."
I could now see a drain-grate. Water was sucking down into that grate, leaving milky foam behind. The water made a foamy, violently gurgling sound as it went down the grate. I felt ashamed that this mess was keeping H from studying, or that it might keep her from studying if she were to stay at my place.
Dream #1
It was night. I was probably in my apartment alone. But then I was in my apartment with my girlfriend H. I was in the bathroom. I was possibly sitting on the toilet at first. But then I was standing before my bathtub. The light in my bathroom was off. The shower curtain was open just a little.
I saw a couple little, black shapes darting around in the bathtub. I thought they were roaches. I was upset that I possibly had roaches in my house. But I wasn't sure what I had seen. So I pulled back the shower curtain.
There were little, black shapes darting around in the bathtub, some apparently two inches long, others of smaller size, down to tiny specks. These shapes didn't seem like roaches at all, now. They were formless, little blots. I thought they were products of my own sight, physical perturbations on my own eyes.
But I thought that, regardless of what the visions were, I had let my bathroom get too dirty. I thought that if I didn't clean my bathroom, real roaches eventually would show up. So I started sweeping my bathroom floor. As I cleaned, I could hear H talk about how she couldn't study unless her house was clean.
Some of the dust seemed caked on the floor or sticky. There was now sudsy water washing up and down the floor, around the toilet. It started sloshing back and forth so violently that I had to back out of the bathroom.
It seemed to be lightning and thundering outside. There didn't seem to be any lights on in the house. The water sloshed back and forth through about half the length of the bathroom.
H may have said something, worrying about the water staying or attracting more roaches. I said, "Don't worry. We just have to wait for it to drain away."
I could now see a drain-grate. Water was sucking down into that grate, leaving milky foam behind. The water made a foamy, violently gurgling sound as it went down the grate. I felt ashamed that this mess was keeping H from studying, or that it might keep her from studying if she were to stay at my place.
Monday, November 12, 2012
(10/17/09) strong woman protects my love; pond of sea creatures; i toss out a good resume
(Entered in paper journal at 7:35 AM at Connecticut Muffin in Windsor Terrace, Brooklyn.)
Dream #1
I was in a dim room, something like a cafeteria (like a cafeteria in a Kmart my family used to shop at when I was a young child). I stood before a long counter. A pretty girl stood before me, behind the counter. She was short, blonde, and skinny. On either side of her were two partitions, maybe wood-framed, with translucent, but mottled, plastic. The girl and I seemed to be speaking friendly.
Suddenly R came up behind the counter from the left. He made a strange remark about how if I wanted this girl I wasn't going to have her. He slid out another partition between the first two. This partition was like a sheet of plywood pasted over with old newspaper pages. There were two eye holes in the board, so that I could at least see the girl's eyes.
I thought, I didn't want this girl, romantically, in the first place. Bust still, how dare R think he has the right to block me from somebody I'm interested in?
I now sat, reclining, on a bed in a large, dim room. A pretty, tiny, skinny, blonde girl lay in bed with me. The girl was topless. Below the waist she was covered with a lot of blankets.
I got up. I needed to take a shower. The girl got up as well, either following me or leading me down a filthy, neglected hallway. The long hallway was dim, as if the only light came from within the rooms along the hallway.
I heard a man say that the woman liked me and that I should be with her. I thought both that that couldn't be true and that she wasn't exactly the one I was interested in.
The woman now stopped before a door. I walked ahead a few steps before noticing. I turned back to look at the woman. She was topless, and she wore a black skirt. She said she was going into this room for a shower. I had a feeling she wanted me to join her. But I thought that would be too much of a commitment for me. I said that was the women's shower, and that I had to go to the men's shower.
I left the woman behind and walked ahead to the next bathroom. The sign on the door may have been a "women" sign.
I went in. The place was horribly filthy, horribly run-down. There was old water all over the floor. I stood in a weird compartment that looked partly like a public shower and partly like a toilet stall.
I started hearing people talk very badly about me, saying things that might even have been dirty. I got very frustrated. I felt like I didn't want to have any more to do with any of this. I may also have thought that I'd I'd thought I'd found someone who actually liked me, but that it now turned out she was one of the people gossiping against me. I thought I was through with everybody.
I was walking through a hallway which was in decent repair, carpeted, with white, stucco-like walls, almost like a college dormitory. A door was open. I saw inside, to a room which was like a dorm room, except that the floor of the room tiered down partway through.
A tall, muscular, black woman who almost looked like a man stood in the room, down on one of the tiers, so that from my view it looked like she was kneeling. The woman wore a red t-shirt that went down to just above her belly button. She was lifting weights, lifting shiny, black barbells up over, and then behind her head. Her stomach muscles showed as she did this.
I was immediately attracted to the woman, even though I couldn't tell for sure whether she was actually a woman. I walked into her room, possibly at her invitation. She'd finished exercising. I walked down the steps before me as she walked up a couple steps to my right.
The woman asked me if I was having a tough time in my life. I told her I was. She lay down on her bed, her back propped up against a pillow that was propped up against the wall. To the woman's right was a window through which a lot of bright light shone.
The woman now looked different. Her skin tone was a lighter shade of brown. Her hair was longer, possibly done in a pony tail. Her stomach was smoother. Her breasts were big, so that they lifted the shirt higher up from her bellybutton.
The woman told me not to worry about people who said bad things about me. I suddenly felt very attracted to the woman. I wanted to get in bed with her. But I was afraid she'd think I was dirty. I also still wasn't sure whether she was really a woman. But I really wanted to lay in bed with her and kiss her and stroke her stomach.
The woman's breasts may have grown, or her shirt may have gotten smaller. I could now see the undersides of the woman's breasts from underneath the bottom of her shirt.
(At this point I stopped writing at the cafe. I got onto the Q-train at Prospect Park to head into Manhattan. Once on the train, at 10 AM, I resumed writing.)
Dream #2
I stood out on the banks of a large pond or river. There may have been a few other people around. The day was sunny, blue, and warm. It may have been autumn. There seemed to be brightly colored leafs on the muddy ground.
I looked over a ledge of land, down maybe six feet, to the water. I may have seen a lot of fish under the surface of the brownish water. The fished looked huge. I thought I even saw a shark or a whale. I may have seen other people in the water, possibly in boats.
I thought I would test to see whether there were large animals in the water. I was afraid, but I jumped in. Under water, I opened my eyes. I saw a lot of large fish, not dense schools of fish, but a large number of fish, averaging about my size, all swimming around, scattered, by themselves. Some of the fish looked fleshy, like deformed, or skinned, humans. After some looking around, I found a gigantic creature, either a shark or a whale. I was excited but also afraid.
I surfaced. The water around me now looked like an ocean. The surface of the water was a steely grey, reflecting the grey of the sky.
I put my head below the water again. I swam around with my eyes open, although I was afraid to see what might come up from the invisible depths. Possibly, I thought, a shark would try to attack me. I looked forward as I swam.
Ahead of me, not too far away, was a whale. It looked like a humpback whale, but it was maybe only twenty feet long. It looked like it was going to jump out of the water. I surfaced to watch it. I called out to some of the other people, who, I remembered, were in the water, to watch the whale. The whale humped up and back down. I was very close to its tail as it splashed back into the water. I was afraid I'd get hurt. But I was untouched.
Now the water was brownish, more like a large pond again, and the sky was blue and warm. I was flying above the water, possibly upright, in a standing position, and skimming the water with my feet.
I saw the people in boats. I thought they were trying to do harm to the creatures in the water. I felt like I was smarter than the people in the boats. They really didn't, and probably couldn't, know how to treat the creatures kindly.
I had to play a trick on the people to keep them from hurting the creatures. This had something to do with putting my right (?) hand in the water and emitting something like an electric charge. This was a little scary for me, though. There were some vicious creatures in the water, I thought, that would bite my hand if they saw it.
I now flew very quickly. The pond came to a bottleneck at one of its ends, the other "end" seeming, rather, to go on like a wide river. The bottleneck was narrow and smoothly oval shaped. There was a long, narrow, oval, concrete fountain pool in the center of the bottleneck. The back end of the fountain pool sloped up, so that it almost looked like a chariot.
As I approached the bottleneck I gained speed, going, I feared, beyond my control. I thought it was fun but dangerous. With my right hand I grabbed onto the edge of the concrete fountain pool. I whipped around the back of the pool with my momentum, but finally came to a halt.
I was now standing on a narrow path, between some shrubs, just up the banks from the pond. I could possibly hear some people, maybe men and women about fifty or sixty years old, talking in the distance to my right.
I looked before me and saw a stone slab path and a stone slab rest area with some wooden benches. Near or on the benches was a plaque, maybe nine by twelve inches, saying that the benches were in honor of Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX, who had given a donation for the area.
I believe I had also seen, before I'd jumped into the water, a similar plaque, bearing the names of a different donor couple. I may now have stood before the current benches, trying to remember the names written on the plaque on the previous benches. I may have thought the donors were the same couple, or that the two couples had remarkably similar names.
(At this point I got off the Q-train and went into the Rose Main Reading Room of the New York Public Library, where I resumed writing at 10:49 AM.)
Dream #3
I sat in an office, possibly by myself. The office was bright with fluorescent light and natural light from a blind-drawn window wall to my right. The desk was an office desk. I sat before it, not behind it. I looked at a resume that I didn't like. I tossed the resume.
Later, there were two or three people standing behind me and on my right side. One of them tapped my shoulder. I looked up to see that it was my old department head, GR. He looked younger, and he had a full head of lightish brown hair, cut squarely, maybe one and a half inches long. He didn't wear glasses. His face was smooth and a little tan. He smiled at me and spoke kindly to me, as if he were being polite to someone whose good word would get him into this company.
I didn't quite recognize GR at first. When I finally did I couldn't get his name right in my head. I acted really happy to see GR, hoping that would make up for my having forgotten his name. I now realized that he was the person whose resume I'd tossed just a while ago. I kept racking my mind, trying to figure out the name on the resume. I was sure it had been different from GR's actual name.
Now another of my old department heads, and a mentor of mine, JS, walked up behind me and said some nice things. There was another desk to my right. JS sat behind the desk. GR sat before the desk. I could tell JS was interviewing GR for a position. I could also tell that JS, thinking highly of GR, would likely hire him.
I felt ashamed of having simply tossed away GR's resume without much thought. I buried my head in paperwork -- my desk, as well as JS's, was piled with paper. I tried to act ignorant of my having thrown GR's resume away and approving of JS's interview with GR.
I wondered, How could I have treated a person so good as GR with such coldness? How could I have tossed his resume, based on a few minor details, with so little thought, after all the nice things he'd done for me?
Then I suddenly remembered, or was pretty sure, that GR had, after all, used a different name on his resume, so that I hadn't been aware that it had actually been GR's resume I'd tossed. I may have tried again to remember the name on the resume.
Dream #1
I was in a dim room, something like a cafeteria (like a cafeteria in a Kmart my family used to shop at when I was a young child). I stood before a long counter. A pretty girl stood before me, behind the counter. She was short, blonde, and skinny. On either side of her were two partitions, maybe wood-framed, with translucent, but mottled, plastic. The girl and I seemed to be speaking friendly.
Suddenly R came up behind the counter from the left. He made a strange remark about how if I wanted this girl I wasn't going to have her. He slid out another partition between the first two. This partition was like a sheet of plywood pasted over with old newspaper pages. There were two eye holes in the board, so that I could at least see the girl's eyes.
I thought, I didn't want this girl, romantically, in the first place. Bust still, how dare R think he has the right to block me from somebody I'm interested in?
I now sat, reclining, on a bed in a large, dim room. A pretty, tiny, skinny, blonde girl lay in bed with me. The girl was topless. Below the waist she was covered with a lot of blankets.
I got up. I needed to take a shower. The girl got up as well, either following me or leading me down a filthy, neglected hallway. The long hallway was dim, as if the only light came from within the rooms along the hallway.
I heard a man say that the woman liked me and that I should be with her. I thought both that that couldn't be true and that she wasn't exactly the one I was interested in.
The woman now stopped before a door. I walked ahead a few steps before noticing. I turned back to look at the woman. She was topless, and she wore a black skirt. She said she was going into this room for a shower. I had a feeling she wanted me to join her. But I thought that would be too much of a commitment for me. I said that was the women's shower, and that I had to go to the men's shower.
I left the woman behind and walked ahead to the next bathroom. The sign on the door may have been a "women" sign.
I went in. The place was horribly filthy, horribly run-down. There was old water all over the floor. I stood in a weird compartment that looked partly like a public shower and partly like a toilet stall.
I started hearing people talk very badly about me, saying things that might even have been dirty. I got very frustrated. I felt like I didn't want to have any more to do with any of this. I may also have thought that I'd I'd thought I'd found someone who actually liked me, but that it now turned out she was one of the people gossiping against me. I thought I was through with everybody.
I was walking through a hallway which was in decent repair, carpeted, with white, stucco-like walls, almost like a college dormitory. A door was open. I saw inside, to a room which was like a dorm room, except that the floor of the room tiered down partway through.
A tall, muscular, black woman who almost looked like a man stood in the room, down on one of the tiers, so that from my view it looked like she was kneeling. The woman wore a red t-shirt that went down to just above her belly button. She was lifting weights, lifting shiny, black barbells up over, and then behind her head. Her stomach muscles showed as she did this.
I was immediately attracted to the woman, even though I couldn't tell for sure whether she was actually a woman. I walked into her room, possibly at her invitation. She'd finished exercising. I walked down the steps before me as she walked up a couple steps to my right.
The woman asked me if I was having a tough time in my life. I told her I was. She lay down on her bed, her back propped up against a pillow that was propped up against the wall. To the woman's right was a window through which a lot of bright light shone.
The woman now looked different. Her skin tone was a lighter shade of brown. Her hair was longer, possibly done in a pony tail. Her stomach was smoother. Her breasts were big, so that they lifted the shirt higher up from her bellybutton.
The woman told me not to worry about people who said bad things about me. I suddenly felt very attracted to the woman. I wanted to get in bed with her. But I was afraid she'd think I was dirty. I also still wasn't sure whether she was really a woman. But I really wanted to lay in bed with her and kiss her and stroke her stomach.
The woman's breasts may have grown, or her shirt may have gotten smaller. I could now see the undersides of the woman's breasts from underneath the bottom of her shirt.
(At this point I stopped writing at the cafe. I got onto the Q-train at Prospect Park to head into Manhattan. Once on the train, at 10 AM, I resumed writing.)
Dream #2
I stood out on the banks of a large pond or river. There may have been a few other people around. The day was sunny, blue, and warm. It may have been autumn. There seemed to be brightly colored leafs on the muddy ground.
I looked over a ledge of land, down maybe six feet, to the water. I may have seen a lot of fish under the surface of the brownish water. The fished looked huge. I thought I even saw a shark or a whale. I may have seen other people in the water, possibly in boats.
I thought I would test to see whether there were large animals in the water. I was afraid, but I jumped in. Under water, I opened my eyes. I saw a lot of large fish, not dense schools of fish, but a large number of fish, averaging about my size, all swimming around, scattered, by themselves. Some of the fish looked fleshy, like deformed, or skinned, humans. After some looking around, I found a gigantic creature, either a shark or a whale. I was excited but also afraid.
I surfaced. The water around me now looked like an ocean. The surface of the water was a steely grey, reflecting the grey of the sky.
I put my head below the water again. I swam around with my eyes open, although I was afraid to see what might come up from the invisible depths. Possibly, I thought, a shark would try to attack me. I looked forward as I swam.
Ahead of me, not too far away, was a whale. It looked like a humpback whale, but it was maybe only twenty feet long. It looked like it was going to jump out of the water. I surfaced to watch it. I called out to some of the other people, who, I remembered, were in the water, to watch the whale. The whale humped up and back down. I was very close to its tail as it splashed back into the water. I was afraid I'd get hurt. But I was untouched.
Now the water was brownish, more like a large pond again, and the sky was blue and warm. I was flying above the water, possibly upright, in a standing position, and skimming the water with my feet.
I saw the people in boats. I thought they were trying to do harm to the creatures in the water. I felt like I was smarter than the people in the boats. They really didn't, and probably couldn't, know how to treat the creatures kindly.
I had to play a trick on the people to keep them from hurting the creatures. This had something to do with putting my right (?) hand in the water and emitting something like an electric charge. This was a little scary for me, though. There were some vicious creatures in the water, I thought, that would bite my hand if they saw it.
I now flew very quickly. The pond came to a bottleneck at one of its ends, the other "end" seeming, rather, to go on like a wide river. The bottleneck was narrow and smoothly oval shaped. There was a long, narrow, oval, concrete fountain pool in the center of the bottleneck. The back end of the fountain pool sloped up, so that it almost looked like a chariot.
As I approached the bottleneck I gained speed, going, I feared, beyond my control. I thought it was fun but dangerous. With my right hand I grabbed onto the edge of the concrete fountain pool. I whipped around the back of the pool with my momentum, but finally came to a halt.
I was now standing on a narrow path, between some shrubs, just up the banks from the pond. I could possibly hear some people, maybe men and women about fifty or sixty years old, talking in the distance to my right.
I looked before me and saw a stone slab path and a stone slab rest area with some wooden benches. Near or on the benches was a plaque, maybe nine by twelve inches, saying that the benches were in honor of Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX, who had given a donation for the area.
I believe I had also seen, before I'd jumped into the water, a similar plaque, bearing the names of a different donor couple. I may now have stood before the current benches, trying to remember the names written on the plaque on the previous benches. I may have thought the donors were the same couple, or that the two couples had remarkably similar names.
(At this point I got off the Q-train and went into the Rose Main Reading Room of the New York Public Library, where I resumed writing at 10:49 AM.)
Dream #3
I sat in an office, possibly by myself. The office was bright with fluorescent light and natural light from a blind-drawn window wall to my right. The desk was an office desk. I sat before it, not behind it. I looked at a resume that I didn't like. I tossed the resume.
Later, there were two or three people standing behind me and on my right side. One of them tapped my shoulder. I looked up to see that it was my old department head, GR. He looked younger, and he had a full head of lightish brown hair, cut squarely, maybe one and a half inches long. He didn't wear glasses. His face was smooth and a little tan. He smiled at me and spoke kindly to me, as if he were being polite to someone whose good word would get him into this company.
I didn't quite recognize GR at first. When I finally did I couldn't get his name right in my head. I acted really happy to see GR, hoping that would make up for my having forgotten his name. I now realized that he was the person whose resume I'd tossed just a while ago. I kept racking my mind, trying to figure out the name on the resume. I was sure it had been different from GR's actual name.
Now another of my old department heads, and a mentor of mine, JS, walked up behind me and said some nice things. There was another desk to my right. JS sat behind the desk. GR sat before the desk. I could tell JS was interviewing GR for a position. I could also tell that JS, thinking highly of GR, would likely hire him.
I felt ashamed of having simply tossed away GR's resume without much thought. I buried my head in paperwork -- my desk, as well as JS's, was piled with paper. I tried to act ignorant of my having thrown GR's resume away and approving of JS's interview with GR.
I wondered, How could I have treated a person so good as GR with such coldness? How could I have tossed his resume, based on a few minor details, with so little thought, after all the nice things he'd done for me?
Then I suddenly remembered, or was pretty sure, that GR had, after all, used a different name on his resume, so that I hadn't been aware that it had actually been GR's resume I'd tossed. I may have tried again to remember the name on the resume.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
(11/3/09) old friends and new; retrieving the troublemaker
(Entered in paper journal at 8:30 AM at Sit & Wonder cafe in Brooklyn.)
Dream #1
I was out on some walkway, like a promenade, but not a boardwalk (?), before a beach. The walkway was bordered by a large apartment complex, like a housing project building. I stood on something like a wheelchair ramp by the building with my co-worker and friend AR. We stood in the glare of pale, breezy sunlight. There might have been small pine trees nearby.
AR and I were talking about something like getting haircuts. AR might have just finished my hair, and now it was my turn to cut his hair. I had electric clippers in my hand. The clippers turned on and began vibrating to a worrisome degree. I looked at a dial on the body of the clippers. The clippers had a black, plastic body and silver, almost plastic-looking shears. The dial was silvery plastic, and it looked like the dial of an egg timer or an old clothes dryer.
I made some jokey kind of gestures, mocking panic about the clippers going out of control. Somebody's hair seemed to be falling to the ground in wet, black squares about an inch long. I may have seen a paper plate somewhere, for collecting the hair. AR and I were now both laughing at what was apparently a pretty good joke.
Now either my old friend BC came up, or else my old friend R came up and later on turned into BC. BC looked older, more grizzled, with a full beard. He wore a faded, green shirt and a faded, blue undershirt. He was walking away, as if he lived in the apartments and was heading out for the day.
I was surprised to see BC. I called for him. He stopped and turned so he side-faced me with his left side. He turned his face all the way toward me. I couldn't quite remember BC's name, and I kept trying to call him by his last name, never quite saying it because I never quite had it right in my head.
BC spoke with a kind of scruffy-western character to his voice. He said he was going to meet R somewhere. I worried that R might come here. Here I was, I thought, having a good time with a friend, and now R would come and wreck this relationship. But, I though, maybe that's not true. After all, AR was a guy. R wouldn't be jealous of me because of a friendship I was having with a guy, would he?
Dream #2
I was out on something like a dirt road near a vast field like a sports field. It was black night, and the road was lit by a string of dimmish, orange streetlamps. I stood with a group of men. A couple of the men were my age. The other was older, kind of like our leader or teacher.
There had been some kind of conflict between us and some other man who was about my age. The man had been proven wrong in one of his actions. He was thought, now, at least by me, to be a kind of wild, mean-spirited person.
But now that everything had been settled, the older man wanted us to get the young man back into our group. The man had run off down the road, to my right. I went in search of the man. I ran to a portion of road lined on either side by hills about thirty feet tall. The hills were covered with shortish, widely spaced pine trees.
The orange lights seemed to light this area a bit more fully than they had lit the section of road by the playing field. There were a lot of people wandering about on the road and a little way up the hills -- small groups of people spaced somewhat widely apart, yet all together, as if having a picnic.
I saw the young man. He might have looked like my old friend R. He was talking in a kind of mean voice, but he sounded more hurt than angry. He sounded like he might want to be back with the group, but he didn't know whether he could trust them.
Dream #1
I was out on some walkway, like a promenade, but not a boardwalk (?), before a beach. The walkway was bordered by a large apartment complex, like a housing project building. I stood on something like a wheelchair ramp by the building with my co-worker and friend AR. We stood in the glare of pale, breezy sunlight. There might have been small pine trees nearby.
AR and I were talking about something like getting haircuts. AR might have just finished my hair, and now it was my turn to cut his hair. I had electric clippers in my hand. The clippers turned on and began vibrating to a worrisome degree. I looked at a dial on the body of the clippers. The clippers had a black, plastic body and silver, almost plastic-looking shears. The dial was silvery plastic, and it looked like the dial of an egg timer or an old clothes dryer.
I made some jokey kind of gestures, mocking panic about the clippers going out of control. Somebody's hair seemed to be falling to the ground in wet, black squares about an inch long. I may have seen a paper plate somewhere, for collecting the hair. AR and I were now both laughing at what was apparently a pretty good joke.
Now either my old friend BC came up, or else my old friend R came up and later on turned into BC. BC looked older, more grizzled, with a full beard. He wore a faded, green shirt and a faded, blue undershirt. He was walking away, as if he lived in the apartments and was heading out for the day.
I was surprised to see BC. I called for him. He stopped and turned so he side-faced me with his left side. He turned his face all the way toward me. I couldn't quite remember BC's name, and I kept trying to call him by his last name, never quite saying it because I never quite had it right in my head.
BC spoke with a kind of scruffy-western character to his voice. He said he was going to meet R somewhere. I worried that R might come here. Here I was, I thought, having a good time with a friend, and now R would come and wreck this relationship. But, I though, maybe that's not true. After all, AR was a guy. R wouldn't be jealous of me because of a friendship I was having with a guy, would he?
Dream #2
I was out on something like a dirt road near a vast field like a sports field. It was black night, and the road was lit by a string of dimmish, orange streetlamps. I stood with a group of men. A couple of the men were my age. The other was older, kind of like our leader or teacher.
There had been some kind of conflict between us and some other man who was about my age. The man had been proven wrong in one of his actions. He was thought, now, at least by me, to be a kind of wild, mean-spirited person.
But now that everything had been settled, the older man wanted us to get the young man back into our group. The man had run off down the road, to my right. I went in search of the man. I ran to a portion of road lined on either side by hills about thirty feet tall. The hills were covered with shortish, widely spaced pine trees.
The orange lights seemed to light this area a bit more fully than they had lit the section of road by the playing field. There were a lot of people wandering about on the road and a little way up the hills -- small groups of people spaced somewhat widely apart, yet all together, as if having a picnic.
I saw the young man. He might have looked like my old friend R. He was talking in a kind of mean voice, but he sounded more hurt than angry. He sounded like he might want to be back with the group, but he didn't know whether he could trust them.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
(1/17/10) can't stop the crash
(Entered into paper journal at 8:38 AM at Sit & Wonder cafe in Brooklyn.)
Dream #1
I was in a car with my family. I was in the backseat, and possibly on the passenger side, but I was driving the car. It was night. We were on a lonely road in the desert. We had come from a town, to which I had driven (I saw, in my mind's eye) earlier in the day.
My mom, who sat in the driver's seat, reminded me to drive faster on the way back. I said I would. I remembered having had some trouble with other cars on the highway because I had driven at a slow speed on the way up. I had driven at what I'd thought was the correct speed, but it had been too slow.
We now turned right, off the small road and onto the highway. The landscape around the road was filled with tall mounds of red stone bounded by tan expanses of ground and little green shrubs The rad went downhill, though occasionally it would roll up a little. We were all alone on the road, but I kept my speed up, slightly more than I though I should have, because I was jittery about someone driving up behind me and getting impatient.
I took a turn which I hadn't quite seen in time to drive through smoothly. It was a very wide curve on a long, mild, downward slope. The road itself was wide. I fell under the momentum of the missed turn. Instead of winding right with the curve, I drove forward and slightly left. The car was slowing down as we approached the left edge of the road.
I was trying to regain control of the car, but I couldn't. I knew we were going to go off the side of the road. I asked my mom how I could regain control of the car. But she didn't answer. I hoped that our drive off the road wouldn't be terrible. I called to my mom again, but she didn't respond. She just kept still.
We drove off the road. We rolled, slowly, gently, down a bank-slope about six or seven feet tall, then stalled on a flat stretch of land.
I called to my mom, asking how we could get out of this space. She just sat still, facing forward. I called to her again and again. She was motionless. I realized how worn out she looked. Her hair was grey and meager looking. I called to my mom again and again. Now my mom slumped forward as if dead or unconscious. I got extremely worried. I called frantically, "Mom! Mom!"
Dream #1
I was in a car with my family. I was in the backseat, and possibly on the passenger side, but I was driving the car. It was night. We were on a lonely road in the desert. We had come from a town, to which I had driven (I saw, in my mind's eye) earlier in the day.
My mom, who sat in the driver's seat, reminded me to drive faster on the way back. I said I would. I remembered having had some trouble with other cars on the highway because I had driven at a slow speed on the way up. I had driven at what I'd thought was the correct speed, but it had been too slow.
We now turned right, off the small road and onto the highway. The landscape around the road was filled with tall mounds of red stone bounded by tan expanses of ground and little green shrubs The rad went downhill, though occasionally it would roll up a little. We were all alone on the road, but I kept my speed up, slightly more than I though I should have, because I was jittery about someone driving up behind me and getting impatient.
I took a turn which I hadn't quite seen in time to drive through smoothly. It was a very wide curve on a long, mild, downward slope. The road itself was wide. I fell under the momentum of the missed turn. Instead of winding right with the curve, I drove forward and slightly left. The car was slowing down as we approached the left edge of the road.
I was trying to regain control of the car, but I couldn't. I knew we were going to go off the side of the road. I asked my mom how I could regain control of the car. But she didn't answer. I hoped that our drive off the road wouldn't be terrible. I called to my mom again, but she didn't respond. She just kept still.
We drove off the road. We rolled, slowly, gently, down a bank-slope about six or seven feet tall, then stalled on a flat stretch of land.
I called to my mom, asking how we could get out of this space. She just sat still, facing forward. I called to her again and again. She was motionless. I realized how worn out she looked. Her hair was grey and meager looking. I called to my mom again and again. Now my mom slumped forward as if dead or unconscious. I got extremely worried. I called frantically, "Mom! Mom!"
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