Showing posts with label feeling dirty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feeling dirty. Show all posts

Saturday, March 4, 2017

(8/21/05) violent hygiene

(Entered in paper journal at 9:30 AM at Ozzie's coffee shop on Garfield Street and 5th Avenue.)

Dream 1

It was a bright, hot day. I was in a desert landscape full of mounds, each of different materials. I may have been working with "my NYC Americorps crew."

Now I sat in something like a hospital waiting room and/or restaurant. I sat in a chair, but I think next to me was a pale green vinyl booth. It seems to have been smashed up against or into another booth or circle of wood chairs like mine. My coworker DO sat in the first booth.

My backpack, all dirty and dusty, lay by my chair, slumped into the other "booth." A Spanish family sat in that "booth." A really pretty girl sat in the chair where my backpack was slumping over. The girl was grossed out and scooted over a bit.

DO said something ilke, "That's not good hygiene, Preemie. Did you think a girl would want to sit by your backpack with all that salt-grime on it?"

I now remembered the mound I had been working on was of huge salt crystals. I thought, Well, maybe the girl should be turned on by the fact that I worked hard in a strange place like that. But I moved the backpack away and felt ashamed of my sloppiness.

I don't know what happened next. Then, for some reason, I and someone, maybe DO, were following someone, maybe a doctor (?), through the hallways of this place. Whereas the "waiting room/restaurant" had been cheerily enough lit with natural light, the hallways were dim.

We opened one door. A doctor stood somewhere, possibly unseen, like against the wall and to the left of a doorway. Also to the left of the doorway was a tall, shrubby plant with vines (?) growing out of it. A patient stood just in front of the doorway. Some of the flower-dotted vines crept over him. We had the door open only about halfway, the opening to the left, i.e.


The unseen doctor went on and on about not knowing exactly what species of plant this was.

The patient brushed the vines off and told the doctor, "I don't care what species the plant is. I didn't come here for that." I shut the door, feeling like by standing there I, too, was holding up the man from his purpose.

We walked to another room, which may not have had a door. The room was dimmer than the hallway. It was sort of long and wide. In the middle was something like a conveyor belt or really long examination table. All along it were small shrubs or trees with wide, fragrant, purple-red, heart-shaped leafs. A couple "doctors," male and female, were walking around the room, discussing things I couldn't understand.

My friend (now PD?) and I walked close to the plants. The smell overpowered me. Without thinking, I grabbed the leafs and shoved them in my mouth. The leafs were thick, as thick as five leafs stacked, and they tasted like sweet apples. I thought to myself, This is a redbud tree. Do all redbud trees have leafs like this? Am I supposed to be eating these leafs at all?

Suddenly I felt like an idiot in front of the scientists. With my mouth and hands full I ran out of the room in search either of a room with a plant that was definitely a redbud or else a place outside where I definitely knew a redbud had been planted. But I couldn't remember any place where I had seen a redbud.

I stood in a room, in front of a tree. But something distracting was happening, or maybe I didn't want to be "caught in the act" (i.e. I didn't want people to catch me acting weird with these leafs), and I couldn't focus effectively on examining the tree and seeing if it was a redbud and eating the leafs.

Now it was either late night or early morning. It may have been cool and drizzly. I was outside, in a residential neighborhood and between two tall, steep hills. My friend/coworker KA drove up and picked me up. As we drove the headlights made the drizzle look silvery.

KA said we had been planning to pick up my friend/coworker KB, but that KB had been late. I was spitefully glad we weren't picking up KB. I said something like, "It's unusual that she'd do something like this, but I don't think it's out of character."

KA looked at me suspiciously, as if wondering why I'd want to undermine things with KB. I myself wondered that. Now KA was blaming me for some mistake that had gotten us off track.

Now it was daytime. We were on some mountain/plain roadside, or perhaps just some grassy area with no road. The grass was fiery yellow, green, and orange, as if the grass were changing color, going dormant for the fall. Some other cars were parked here, kind of widely spaced. We two were here to work.

We walked up to KA's car, toward a tall, black man with dreads. The man stared at me. When I got up to him, he pulled something out of his pocket like it was a switchblade and then shoved it toward me and shouted out a "boom!" at me. I flinched. Then I looked down and saw the object was just a straw. The man laughed, self-satisfied that he had scared me.

Everything seems reversed now. Instead of walking


I walked like this.


But now I turned around to face the man again. I was a little afraid. But when I got up to him I mock-congratulated him for scaring me. Then I laughed and laughed in his face. I wasn't afraid now. I wanted to beat the shit out of this guy.

The man walked away slowly, trying to act like he wasn't threatened. But I didn't want him to walk away. I called him back, telling him he was the real coward if he wouldn't fight me, and that only cowards scare people for no reason, anyway.

Now he was running down some hill of grass and pine trees. I ran after him.

It was night. Somebody sat on the slope. I thought it was the man. I ran up, yelling that now he was going to face me once and for all. I grabbed the person's shoulder. The person turned around. She was an older woman. She looked at me pathetically. I felt bad and tried to explain myself.

But now I was walking into a tightly spaced cafe. The place was all dark, heavy, rough wood. There was plenty of natural light, but the darkness of the wood still gave the place a classy kind of dimness. The place was like a corner or "L," with a round column on the inner corner,


and two tables very close to the column and each other.

I sat at a table with a "woman" I didn't pay much attention to, and my coworker SC, who was reading the paper. In the other table was some 19th century-style man with a round face, a bowler hat, and a puny mustache.

SC spoke with the "woman" about the article he'd just read. he said something like, "I could belive that they're all related. It doesn't seem strange to me."

Now the "woman" spoke in a gaudy, deep voice. I realized the "woman" was a transsexual. I was disappointed. I looked at the "woman." She looked terribly mannish. I wanted to ignore her completely, but the way the man at the other table scrutinized me made me feel bad. I spoke directly to SC.

I looked at the article. Apparently the article claimed that six children had been conceived by an alien and born of an earthling woman. There were six photos, and the children all had a Nosferatu-like look, though some children had a bit bigger eyes or more robust bone structure.

Friday, February 24, 2017

(1/16/06) the furries of falcon crater; the first day of spanish class; cocaine with the white boy

(Entered in paper journal at 9:46 AM at Starbucks on 1st Street and 7th Avenue in Brooklyn.)

Dream 1

It was daytime. I was in some desert or wilderness. I was with a group of people, but they were all off doing something else. I looked over my shoulder and saw a huge, silvery barn in front of which flew a colorful (but not bright) falcon.

I walked over an enormous crater on a steel girder or very narrow bridge. I wasn't too far across when I saw a bird come out of the sky. It flew closer and closer. As it approached me it flipped so its back faced me. It had red and blue, maybe some green, feathers highlighted with tans and browns. It had a long tail streaming from its tail feathers, red, maybe scaly.

I think I thought, It's a peregrine falcon!

The bird flew off naturally. I felt doomed and afraid and excited and blessed at having seen the bird. I figured (hoped) more birds would come.

I looked up and saw a white bird. I judged by its white head that it was a bald eagle. But its whole body was white. It was slightly disappointed, thinking it was "just" a seagull. But as it flew closer I saw it had a face like a seal, a furry, white seal.

The bird approached the railing of the crater and hovered down to the edge and was actually a seal. Now it was gone.

A group of kids came running up in its place. The area around the crater (if the crater was even there anymore) was now a pine forest. The kids may have come from some log cabin. They were dressed in plush suits with grey bodies like mice but huge, ink ears, like "some kind of bird." The kids all had strange faces. I was pretty sure they all had a deadly virus. One of them, with a chewed off right ear, actually collapsed.

I turned away. I still stood on the girder, but I don't think I was over anything too deep.

The children had been behind my right shoulder. I turned to see behind my left shoulder. Another group of kids, fewer, ran up in white suits like white seal suits. There was a female teacher with them.

I felt like another bird was coming, but I don't know whether I saw it.

Dream 2

I saw in Spanish class. It was our first day. I felt like I was shorter than all the other students, probably less intelligent, too.

The (male) teacher gave us our assignment. Already I knew I probably wouldn't do it. I was already confused by things the teacher was saying. Already I was being overwhelmed and losing ground in class.

The class's seating structure seemed to break apart, so everybody was scattered everywhere. I felt like a ton of people were already looking at me and deciding they didn't like me.

I already wished the semester were over.

The bell rang. I stood up and walked out to the "hallway," which was a balcony (oval?) surrounding the first floor.

I finally, somehow, figured out this was a high school class. I called someone on my cell phone, maybe BA, the leader of my Americorps NYC Parks program. I yelled at BA, asking why he had put me into a high school class.  I felt like I was being sprayed with a hose or soaked in my own sweat.

I walked back into the class. What I really didn't want to admit was that all these high school students could beat me intellectually. Nut now I was also ashamed I had made such a fool of myself by yelling about them right in front of the classroom.

But as I went into the classroom a girl walked past me. She was Hispanic, young, very pretty, very mature. She smiled at me like she thought I was cute because of the fuss I had made. I thought, Wait until she sees what a disappointing person I am, thought. Besides, she's too young for me.

I was outside. I walked some big square of blocks, up a slope, across, along something like a construction site full of muddy, brown gravel. I had a newspaper which I read and/or held over my head (though while I held it over my head I still considered its contents).

I must have stopped somewhere to do some Americorps work. I was now soaked and dirty. I turned and walked back down the slope and to the school. The street was now lined with trees. I realized I was heading back to class.

I looked down at myself -- my clothes (a maroon, button-up shirt and a pair of checkered or thinly patterned tan and black slacks) were disgustingly soaked and sticking to my body.

I wanted to ditch school, but I knew I couldn't do it that early in the school year. I would just have to go to school and live with how disgusting I looked.

Dream 3

I stood in a forest. I saw an image of my Americorps NYC Parks coworker VT a few yards off. Some unseen man to my left told me that VT was a cocaine dealer and that right before she left Americorps she got in trouble for doing cocaine "with the youngest white boy in the whole crew."