(2/4/09) i look awful; athletic heroes

(Entered in paper journal at 9 AM at Starbucks at Thirty-seventh Street and Park Avenue in Manhattan.)

Dream #1

I was sitting in a car in a parking lot that may have been partly asphalt and partly dirt. The parking lot was wide and empty. It was a sunny day. I was on the phone with my old boss and mentor EB, who may have been talking to me about how I needed to shape up in some way or another. I stood out of the car and was walking around, toward the front of the parking lot.

Coming into the parking lot were a few people I knew (and possibly some others I didn't know). At the front of this group was my old friend PD, who looked very good. She was tanned, thin, with good muscle tone and rich, blonde hair. I hoped PD wouldn't recognize me, and that if she did, that she'd think I was awful and want to avoid me. I didn't want PD to mention me to my old friend R.

I thought to myself, Well, thankfully, I do look awful. I looked down at myself. I was wearing an awful, old, orange t-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts (what I, at this time in my life, was wearing for pajamas). I could tell I had lost a lot of weight, and that my hair and beard looked terrible. Continuing my phone conversation, I started scratching my ribs. Looking at my pose in the shadow on the dirt, I was satisfied that I really looked horrible -- I looked just like a drug addict or a diseased person.

I scuttled off toward my left, toward the chain-link fence boundary there, working my way back up toward my car. I was still talking with EB. I got back to my car. I few people I knew, including PD, were gathered around a picnic area near the car, as if we were in a national forest or in front of someone's house. My car, which had previously been exposed to sunlight in the parking lot, was now shaded over by a few trees. People were carrying things into the picnic area.

I had stepped into my car again. I was now ashamed for the appearance of my car (which was a very old Eagle that, in waking life, I'd owned while living in Arizona and New Mexico about seven years previous to this dream). The car looked okay. It was pretty empty. The back seats were pulled down so there was plenty of laying-down space. There was "car-trash" near the edges -- little scraps of paper, old scum, small change.

But I thought of the car as being extremely messy (in waking life, that car did end up being extremely cluttered, even filthy, as, toward the end of my stay in New Mexico, I began living in my car to save up money to get back to New York, and I had no other place to store all of my books, notebooks -- and the piles of cheap lingerie I would compulsively buy). I didn't want PD to see the car and know I lived in such an awful place.

I was somehow able to stand up completely straight inside the car. I now walked back out of the car, still speaking on the phone with EB. I agreed very loudly with something EB had said, so that PD would see I was talking with someone very important, like EB. PD didn't seem to pay me very much attention.

I was now in the back of the car. EB was telling me something about how I should really take better care of my clothing. I agreed with EB. I really wished I could take better care of my clothing.

From one of the hooks or seat-belt fixtures in the ceiling of the car, down diagonally to the window (?) on the left side of the car, were strung a neatly arranged bundle of scarves. The scarves were of different colors, all solid. One scarf was a creamy white. Another was an elegant maroon. The scarves all looked like women's scarves.

I thought I would look better if I wore these scarves, but I didn't think that was practical or reasonable, possibly because I couldn't wear so many scarves, or possibly because the scarves were women's scarves.

Dream #2

I was in a crowded bar with my old boss BS. The bar was a big square in the center of the room. The place might have been a sports bar. The floors, bar, and walls were wood. There might have been a second level around three walls of the fir first floor (?). There were neon signs on the walls and a large television screen covering most of the back wall.

BS and I were walking around the bar counter-clockwise, easily, as if the crowd were there but had none of the "push" of usual bar crowds. I was telling BS about a high school cross country runner who'd been one of my idols when I was in high school. I told BS that the runner hadn't been as famous as Adam Goucher (who actually had been a cross country star and and idol of mine when I was in high school), but how on a number of occasions he'd actually given Adam Goucher a good run for his money.

I could see two runners in a track race. Adam Goucher may have been wearing a red outfit, while the other person wore a blue one. The other person may have had an olive complexion, wavy, brown hair, a little stubble, and a lot of chest hair, and may have been a little more strongly built than Adam Goucher.

I then spoke with BS about Adam Goucher, and how he was really good in college, but how I really didn't know how he ended up professionally. Now the television screen was showing a high school (?) track race in which Adam Goucher was running. At least Adam Goucher, but possibly also a few other runners, had their running shirts' bottoms pulled up over their chests, exposing females breasts.

(1/29/10) one of the lesbians

(Entered in paper journal at 5:01 PM on Q-train heading back to Brooklyn from work.)

Dream #1

A movie, probably Just One of the Guys. A scene of two girls and at least one other person, maybe a guy, in a smallish bedroom. The room was bright, with natural light against pale walls. The two girls were the main character and her best friend. The scene was the scene in which the main girl decided to dress up as a guy.

Something was implied in the scene, either hints being dropped in conversation or else a kind of physical tension between the two girls, that made me think the girls were actually in love with each other, and that the main girl secretly didn't mind becoming a guy because that meant she would be able to be with her friend sexually without anybody asking questions.

I wondered about this relationship. I felt like there had been some scene efore this one where the girls were flirting with each other and where they'd almost admitted their attraction to each other, but were interrupted right at the crucial moment.

I now saw the previous scene. It was in the same bedroom. The girls were alone in the room. The main girl had just gotten out of the shower. She had a white cloth, either a towel or a terry-cloth robe, wrapped very loosely around her. Her friend sat on the bed. She looked admiringly at the main character.

Somehow the main character's breasts became exposed. At this moment, both girls suddenly felt a deep attraction toward each other. They didn't say anything to each other; they just began romping around "for fun"  on the bed.

They ended up so that the friend lay on her back under the main girl, who also lay on her back, laying across the friend's torso.The main girl was almost naked, the cloth barely wrapping around her hips. The friend began fondling the nipple of the main girl's left breast with the index and middle finger of her left hand.

The friend said something like, "I like your body a lot." She may have said, "I like your breasts a lot."

The friend may now have started fondling other parts of the main girl's body, including her bellybutton. The two girls were very quiet and yet passionate. They were about to kiss, when the other friends interrupted the situation. I knew that this was the beginning to the scene I had originally been watching.