(4/13/06) brutal sexuality; the devil in disguise

(Entered in paper journal at 6:02 PM at Starbucks on 43rd Street and 3rd Avenue in Manhattan.)

Dream 1

I was in a dark room or outside in the dark by a long picnic table at which a few unidentified coworkers sat. I stood at the left corner of the head of the table, and another coworker stood at the head.

The man offered me a CD. I had been interested in hearing the music. But when I took the CD I saw the cover photo was of a bunch of men laying all over each other and performing fellatio on each other -- even though it now seems like most of the men were clothed in boxer briefs and undone, short-sleeve, button-up, white shirts. The men were Asian, maybe Filipino.

I handed the CD back to my coworker, pretty quickly, mostly because I didn't want anybody at the table to think I was gay. I wasn't disgusted by the coworker or even the idea of being gay. It was more like I didn't want to have that weird, almost brutal, form of sexuality the photo displayed.

But as I handed the CD back I saw an exaggerated drawing of an emaciated, big-eyed, blonde girl standing before a background of murky green, like Hudson River water. The scene was almost like a claymation image.

The girl wasn't just emaciated -- it was like her organs were rotting almost to the point of tearing open her abdomen and splaying outwards. The girl's vagina was a bright red flap that hung down like a uvula. I knew this also meant the girl was rotting.

I wanted the CD again now because I knew that somehow the photo of the girl was a symbol for myself. But I didn't take the CD back because I didn't want to see the photo of the men again.

Dream 2

I was "watching a TV show" -- some music video channel. A set of videos had just ended, all from the 1980s, maybe the late 1980s, and all videos I didn't really like. The last one ended with the image of a huge moon over a house.

Now, during the same image a title appeared for the next program of music videos. It made me realize the videos were going to be old. I heard an old, familiar song in the sound-byte snippets of the preview. I looked forward to seeing that video. But I thought maybe the song was only going to be played by a new group.

Now the image of the moon and house split to reveal a bright stage of pink-red and yellow. This was an old show. I may have thought it was The Lawrence Welk Show. It featured live performances. The "Lawrence Welk" character sang all the songs while an old-style big band backed him up.

The "Lawrence Welk" character finished the first song and started another, "The Devil in Disguise," I believe. I tried to sing along with this song, but for some reason I couldn't. But I kept trying and trying. The camera moved off the "Lawrence Welk" character and showed some of the band members.