(2/6/05) the self-esteem tree

(Entered in paper journal at 8:10 AM at home in Harlem.)

Dream 1

I walked out of some building and onto a busy street with BW, a ranger from Inwood Park. We walked toward a stadium-like building that was painted sea-green on the top two-thirds and off-white on the bottom third, all apparently made of cinder block or a porous concrete and at the end of a canyon of large buildings.

BW had been speaking about a woman I pictured as JN from Morningside Park. He thought she was arrogant. Some man, whom I pictured as a turtle-thick-headed, bald, old man, had really yelled at JN.

BW said, "But she just sat there and took it, can you imagine?, like she was such a badass that she could take all that abuse. Don't you think that's cocky?"

I was now paying most of my attention to the patterns of the columns and angles shifting against each other on the green building as my viewpoint changed relative to them; and on one single stalk, a limbless, branchless tree trunk maybe eight feet tall, small before the building.

But I said, "Well, maybe she just has such low self-esteem that she feels she deserves to be treated badly, so she just takes it when she gets it." I felt like in some smug, transparent way I was walking about myself.

"Nah," BW said. "She thinks she's a badass. She's pretty stuck-up."

I think that after this BW and I went into the stadium.

(2/10/05) the $700 casa bonita train

(Entered in paper journal at 9:45 PM at home in Harlem.)

Dream 1

I was in a house with JN from Morningside Park. She had received some kind of promotion. She was now assigned to monitor some potentially illegal activity. A man (a lecturer I knew in waking life from the New York Tolerance Center) who may have called himself the District Attorney came by to inspect JN's performance.

I was crouched somewhere, like I was cleaning a floor. The man caught sight of me, thought I was a drug addict, and determined he would follow JN and me to XXXXX to make sure I wasn't getting her involved in drugs.

JN and I were in the bathroom. JN was now a skinny, attractive girl. I was in some kind of lingerie, though I wasn't wearing anything like panties or lingerie bottoms. I had a huge penis, which showed below some sheer, black camisole.

We were now at the place. I can't remember this part.

I was outside, looking at a red-bodied subway train. I was happy because maybe I'd get to ride it.

(By this point in time in waking life, red-bodied subway trains were being replaced by newer, silver-bodied trains with white interiors and periwinkle-blue seats. I called them "ghost trains." And I was always happy whenever I got to ride one of the old, red-bodied trains.)

But as the red-bodied train got closer (as if coming round some small, rocky slopes) I saw it was more like an old-style railroad train, slow-moving, windowless, almost like a chain of clean trolleys.

The train passed by so slowly that I got to ask passengers questions. Where were they going? Somewhere up north (like this was the Metro North). How did they eat on such a long trip? There was "free" dinner. It was included in the ticket price, which itself was reasonable. Excited, I ran into some chambered cave like the white caves at Casa Bonita to purchase a ticket.

My mom sat with some folks in a chamber. She said, "Don't get too excited. The 'reasonable' ticket price is seven hundred."

I continued running. I thought to myself, Well, seven hundred isn't that bad. But I quickly stopped. I must at first have thought my mom had meant seven hundred cents, or seven dollars. But now I realized she'd meant seven hundred dollars!

I shouted, "Seven hundred dollars! That's awful!" I felt like all my money was slipping away.

I was now sliding down a tunnel slide that was still like the chambered, white caves at Casa Bonita.