(9/29/04) lingerie ad posters; mountain flood; grandpa at his own funeral; mother electrocutes nephew; no emergency hires needed

(Entered in paper journal at 12:17 AM at home in Albuquerque.)

Dream 1

Had dream where Grandpa died, came and contacted me.

Mother on mantel.

Newspaper ad murals.

Me in lingerie, wish mom would go so I could change. Mom thinks I'm ungrateful. Grandma P somewhere.

Dream 2

Run outside some place. Mountain path back to home washed to straight cliff by rain. Walk around cliff. Friend falls down path. I shout, No. Friend okay, think, I'm an idiot.

Get up path. Empty river full of bugs. Run down logs. Hear flood coming. Now full of water.

In boat. Crash into other boat. Knock something off. Move nose of other boat crash into boat. Signs to my apartment. In long, dry flume like boat floor. Move nose of another boat. More water. Crash, break boat in half.

Upset. SDM says, Don't worry. But I wish I could've been a good transvestite.

Dream 3

Reading newspaper. Somehow Grandma J asks me about author. Article about South NM, some reservation. From somewhere Grandpa heard. Asks if this is book about Anthrax in XXXXX pueblo. If so, he really feels for those guys. I look, can't make out words, just say yes. See pictures of pottery and crack pipes.

Now TV commercial. Some guy in amber satin dress shirt pulls elbow to bald head, says, This deal from just about now to just about end of Christmas. Another commercial. Woman talking slow, naive, and quiet, voice like Grandma J, but looks like cartoon stuffed person. I think about how voice overs created.

Now in line in empty, church-like room. Don't know other people, but Grandpa behind me. I say, "They've been looking all over for Grandpa."

Grandpa says, "Well, yes, your mom has said he's going somewhere soon. If you know what I mean."

I know now we were in line to see casket. I say, "Oh, I couldn't stand it, to see him dead."

Now feel the pressing of fingers on right side of face. At first afraid, but know it's Grandpa's spirit. Lean into it, hoping to stop being afraid.

Suddenly pull myself "out of" sleep, "sit up" in bed, cry, Grandpa! Now eyes really open (?), try to find clock, takes a second to actually roll head and eyes over to clock without strange blackouts. But at last roll head over and see time is about 12:17.

***

(Daytime paper journal entries.)

Five dreams remembered from last night. I'll write down the last two first, as they aren't written in the Ghost Book.

Dream 5

It was night. I was in a building or outside (?) with a whole lot of people. But in particular I was with some friends, just one or two, all unknown now. My old Los Alamos Americorps roommate B came up to us. He said something like, "Hey, Preemie."

I was happy to see him. It was a relief, because I hoped he could get me "off the hook" for not having been out on a firefighting crew for one of this season's fires.

B came right up to me and said, "Hey, man, too bad we didn't get to see you this year, but we barely needed any emergency hires."

I now looked at my friends as if to say, Now see? That's the truth.

Dream 4

It was a cloudy day. I was in some kind of playground or large yard in which there was a sandbox. I was there with my mom and my oldest nephew and possibly with my sister. My nephew sat under a brown-painted steel structure with a staple-shape, i.e.

It was like the monkey bars, except it seemed to have been made out of rebar and it was less than three feet tall. My nephew, sitting cross-legged on the ground, could easily reach up and grab the rebar.

Now I stood on one side of the bars and my mom stood across from me. We were about ten feet apart. My mom told me she was heading in for a while. I told her, "Don't go." I don't know if I also was going somewhere. But, regardless, I thought that once my mom left, nobody would be there to watch my nephew. I told my mom, "If you leave, nobody'll be able to stop him from grabbing those bars and electrocuting himself to death."

My mom said, "Oh, nothing like that's going to happen." She started walking away.

My nephew, hearing what I had said, reached up and grabbed a bar just to test it out. Nothing happened.

My mom got mad. She went over to the bars while my nephew held them. She yelled, "You don't believe this can hurt you? Well it isn't on right now. That's why you aren't feeling anything. You're lucky. Here. I'll give you a taste of what it's like."

She bent down and pressed a ping-pong ball-sized button in a brown box about the size of two outdoor power outlet boxes. My nephew jolted and then fell over on his right side. My mom acted surprised, as if she couldn't have seen that coming. My nephew just lay on the ground, unresponsive.

Dream 1

I was in an empty room, a really beautiful room, actually. It was maybe thirty feet by thirty feet by ten feet. The walls were white, stucco-like material with arches built into them, just arches for show, like fake hearths or places where portraits might be fastened. Over the "hearths" were mantels. The "hearths" were set up in the walls on something like steps about one and a half feet tall.

There were exits from the room, into fluorescent-lit hallways, I think, but I wasn't really concentrating on them. The tiles were brick red porcelain with black cement between. The light was reddish pink, dim, with undertones of dim incandescent.

I walked around in thong panties and a bra and something like a pink, sheer, babydoll outfit or some kind of sheer, pink robe type thing. My mom now stood up in one of the mantels in a corner of the room, like a sculpted sentry. My grandma P stood somewhere like this as well.

In between my mother and I, pasted on the wall, were huge newsprint ads for Target and Mervyn's. I wanted to look at these ads because I wanted to buy some girl clothes and panties. But I didn't dare look at the ads while my mom and grandma were up there. In fact I wanted them to get out of here so I could change into boy clothes and they wouldn't see me like this.

My mom and maybe my grandma were talking on and on, always implying that I should pay attention. But all I wanted was for them to leave so I could get changed.

Finally my grandma said, "Well, just forget him. He's so ungrateful, after all we've given him."

(I don't know why I said in the Ghost Book that my mother said this. I very well remember my grandma saying it.)

Dream 2

Don't remember beginning. (I have to hurry, too. I have spent most of this time in a daze.) I walked out of some cabin (?) in the woods, which was "some place far away" from my house. I was supposedly of great repute because I had walked this long distance to this place out of the kindness of my heart (?).

I was actually familiar with this mountain. I'd just walk up a tall, steep hill, get over, and the rest of the journey would be easy.

-- Ugh. --

Actually, I can't do this today. I have the dreams down pretty well in the Ghost Book.

Dream 3

As to the third dream, basically it was a dream that ended in my grandpa being dead and "visiting" me. He pressed on the right side of my face. I felt this vividly. I was afraid at first. But I was curious more than anything. I stopped being afraid. I pressed my face in toward the strange pressure of fingers.

The weird buzzing feeling of things got very strong. At some point things were so intense that I told myself I had to call out to my grandpa now if I were to contact him, or else he would disappear. I yelled, "Grandpa!"

I then "woke up" and rolled my eyes all over, "blacking out" before they finally landed on my bedside clock. It was like I kept "waking up" then "blacking out" as if that waking had been a false waking, just a dream-waking. But eventually the waking was true, at which point I got up and wrote down the experience.

(5/10/05) crowded christian getaway; $150 scholarship

(Entered in paper journal at 5:50 AM at home in Harlem.)

Dream 1

I went to some party or convention-type getaway which I believe was Christian and possibly for universities. The building was like a hotel, very tall and wide, but also with the feeling of a tacky, thin housing complex. The convention/party took up the whole hotel.

I went into a room which was blue in the darkness, like it was lit by TV screens. The room was huge and lined with wide, rolling beds which different groups of friends lay on together. They all had things with them, like duffel bags, food, etc. It was like the beds would roll us all to the next part of this party.

I found an empty bed and lay down. I wore a purple camisole. Next to me was someone I didn't know, maybe a man. Behind me was a couple I didn't know. The lady on my side looked like my Los Alamos Americorps coworker and friend AL. She giggled at me and told me my look wasn't working, though my body was okay.

I told her I wished I could have shaved my face. She said, "Well, yeah. That's kind of bad. But it's also... your... smell. You should have showered before you put on that outfit. Now you're so obviously a man."

I thought, People are just going to laugh at me if I keep wearing this. So I went to change.

I don't know what happened next. But now I was in a full room, small like an apartment room, and bright. Everybody was cramming into the doorway to the crammed stairwell. They were all holding tickets or programs. I was trying to get out of this place altogether. Everybody else was trying to get to some big concert.

I worked through the crowd and got right to the doorway. Some guy I didn't know asked me if I was going to the concert.

I said, "Oh, I'm not sure yet."

He said, "Oh, but XXXXX is awesome! That's where I'm going. But isn't it great they give you a choice of concerts? XXXXX and XXXXX are also playing. You could go watch any of them."

I hesitated. I asked if I could see the program. I did like one of the other groups mentioned. I saw that they were playing.

I told the guy, "Well, I may go see XXXXX."

But he said, "No. You can't do that now. You'd have to have made different reservations." He showed me the program again. The other two groups were playing at venues halfway across the country or world.

I still hesitated about leaving, thinking I might go see the concert here. After all, they might be as good as XXXXX. But I decided still to try to leave.

(Continued entry at 4:50 PM. No location info given.)

I walked toward a mirror, still feeling foolish about having been dressed as a girl while looking the way I looked. But now my thought was more about how silly it was to have tried to look pretty while my face was so covered with acne. But now I saw that I didn't have much of a beard. And I was surprised by how nice my face actually looked.

I was suddenly (?) in a hotel room. Somewhere were tables full of peanuts and chocolate candies, piles. The dresser with the TV also had piles of these candies and nuts. I slightly remember having had handfuls of this stuff at some point, passing it around to people.

But now I had just woken up, as if from a drunken party. I woke to a text message from my mom saying my grandpa had died. I now definitely needed to get out of this place. I needed to get home for the funeral. I even think I was trying to get a hold of my mom, but I couldn't do it unless I was out of the hotel.

I walked out of the hallway. I saw my crew mate and friend MG. Then behind him went his girlfriend, who looked like my co-volunteer at my Flagstaff national park volunteer project, DD. They went into a room.

I thought for sure the girl was DD. So I followed them into the room. But when I got in, the woman was actually some tall, Asian woman. We had some conversation I felt was just a waste of time. But it also made me feel inferior. So I kept talking, just to make myself feel less inferior.

Dream 2

I walked into a United Parcel Service location. MM, my old boss from my UPS job in Santa Fe, worked there. I was coming to see him. I saw him. He was busy. So I went into the docks area under the pretense of seeing old sights, but really so I could just remain inconspicuous.

There were a lot of boxes. The place was actually a storage room with which I was familiar. Even the boxes looked familiar (i.e. despite the fact that, in waking life, I wouldn't have worked at or visited "this UPS" in a little under two years; so the "familiar" boxes wouldn't have moved in almost two years). The room, the whole dock area, was pitch black overall, with just some track-light spotlights throwing concentrated light on isolated areas.

I left the room and saw MM sitting just inside the docks area, by the door to the customer area, at a spotlit desk, doing something at a computer.

I asked him what he was doing. He laughed gently, like a teacher eager to give information to a naive student. He said he was working out a contest, the winner of which would receive a $150 scholarship. I wondered how a puny $150 was going to do a student any good.

(5/18/05) little debbie's complaint; writing on the room

(Entered in paper journal at 5:30 AM at home in Harlem.)

Dream 1

I walked into a place that may have been a deli but  which looked like a mix between a closed down gas station and a cafeteria. At the end of a long serving counter sat a guy who looked like my college friend GJ. Beside him were display racks of Little Debbie snack cakes. I came in either to exchange or buy something.

"GJ," when he saw me, groaned (in a flat, American accent, unlike GJ's usual accent) about how awful it was that I was here again to waste his time by asking him to ring up food for me while he was busy trying to relax. I felt bad. I considered whether I would feel better if I bought something other than Little Debbie snack cakes.

Dream 2

I had roommates who didn't like me. We had to have some kind of writing in our rooms. I didn't have this writing, and I tried to get it, but my roommates played some antagonistic part against me. My room was filled with snow.

At some point I left and came back. My brother had put in all the "writing" I needed, which was like signs on the wall and "topographical" outlines marking the heights of the snow drifts in my room, which were all of various heights.

Now that I had the writing in my room I would be okay. I knew my roommates either had learned this or would learn it, and that it would make them angry. It was like they came into my room whenever I was away to make sure I wasn't doing anything they didn't like.

At some point I may have phone a friend, either for protection or to make sure something was right. In fact, the phone call may have been about my old Los Alamos Americorps boss, CA, and how we didn't work at the national park anymore.

(9/16/06) the volcanic oxygen of love; even if you were kidding, you deserved it; the lawnmower boyfriend; an empty office in the cards

(Entered in paper journal at 8:57 AM at Ozzie's coffee shop on Garfield and 5th Avenue in Brooklyn.)

Dream 1

A group of people were chosen to deal with something like a volcano. Although each person was chosen for a different task, everybody in the group was chosen because they were of the highest level of intelligence.

Each person had been sent into their separate locations around the volcano to perform their separate missions. But all of them or almost all of them were close to the point of death now, having delved deep into the workings of the volcano without actually making it function.

I saw a man in a tall but ragged office building which was next to and a little skewed from a similar building. I also saw a woman in Army fatigues in a very small cave that was lit red. With both of them (three, possibly -- the woman may have had a man with her) it was like the oxygen was depleting, suffocating them.

The people weren't trying to make the volcano work to "bring back oxygen" in their spaces. Their goal was something else. But their having gotten so far into the workings of the volcano "tripped" something antagonistic that was now killing them by suffocation. They had not done all they had needed to do, and they were only seconds from losing consciousness, so they simply relaxed and resigned themselves to death.

Then out of nowhere the volcano erupted. It was more like a geyser. It was just a blast of water from flat, boggy, salty ground. Steam and mist wafted and billowed violently over the land.

And suddenly oxygen filled the areas. The woman, who may have been cradling the man (boy) with her, looked back toward the exit of the cave. She breathed deeply.

The man in the office stood up. He looked out the window to the office next to him. A man and woman, both very strong and attractive, stood up and kissed each other.

I was now the man in the first office. I thought, This is finally all over; at last they can have their love.

Dream 2

There were a dog and a wolf in a field. The wolf was used by farmers (?) to keep wild animals (possibly even giraffes) in check But the wolf may have had a bad or abusive side. The way the wolf "disciplined" was to jump on the animals and bite their necks as if attacking them to eat them. But he would just rough them up until they stopped.

The dog wasn't doing anything bad, but the wolf decided to jump on the dog anyway. The dog was angry because he wasn't wild and shouldn't have been jumped on anyway. He lay down, which was the general animal sign of submission, but then rolled over and bit onto the wolf's throat.

The wolf and the dog wrestled quite a ways, mainly with both standing and the wolf trying to shake off the dog. When the wolf had finally shaken off the dog, though, the wolf's throat was completely gashed open. The wolf walked away to die -- it knew it was going to die. It had a meek, little smile on its face, as if to tell the dog, Couldn't you see I was just kidding?

I (watching all this from the hills) thought, Even if you were just kidding, you deserved it! You were abusing your power!

Dream 3

I was in a big but cheap looking, kind of modern living room with glass walls. It was night. There were a few people in the house, but in particular a young woman, who probably owned the house. I was there to be with her. She had just broken up with her boyfriend. She liked me, and I knew, though I didn't necessarily like.

I knew the woman's boyfriend also knew the woman liked me. He wanted to kill me and kill her because she liked me. I was going to stand up to him and tell him to leave her alone. But now he came at the house. He looked like me somehow, when I had long hair.

At a sprint the boyfriend pushed a lawnmower-like device through the window wall. He skirted all of us and ended up by a dining table, holding a knife out at us. He wasn't going to listen to reason. He wanted to kill.

Dream 4

I put a birthday card in my co-worker AS's office. The whole office space was cluttered and confused, full of dirty, white-green office light. After doing something, I came back to the office. Everybody was there now, whereas they hadn't been before.

I went into CJ's office, which was around a cluttered hall corner from AS's, and down a long hall from everybody else's office. I thought of AS and headed into her office, which was now empty (but dusty), dotted sparsely with a couple wires, a keyboard, etc.

AS walked out of the office. I tried to tell her happy birthday. But she just looked at me as if soemthing in the card (or the fact that I hadn't signed the card everybody else had signed?) had really offended her. AS had blonde hair, as opposed to her usual brunette hair color. I called after her, "I like your hairstyle change!" But she walked away without even pausing to acknowledge me.

I went back into CJ's office. CJ asked me, "Did you get the research done out there?" CJ had sent me out to an open field like at the Valles Caldera, near Los Alamos, New Mexico. I hadn't found out what he had wanted me to find out. But I told him what I had seen. CJ made an angry face but didn't say anything.

I drifted back in my vision to the valley, which was slightly obscured as if I were (thought I wasn't) standing behind a final corner or bend of a mountain. During this time I was trying to figure why the "lava" from the "volcano" I had witnessed a while back (as if my first dream were real) hadn't glopped over the ground and hardened into basalt.

Some image came into my mind of a gradual hardening of ash from the point of ejection in a circle outward. The ash would be invisible until it hardened.