(5/21/08) fear of the well-known; future of the french press

(Entered in paper journal at 6:15 AM on Q-train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.)

Dream #1

I was in a bedroom in a house like the house my family lived in from the time I was in sixth grade through the time I was in ninth grade. I may have been surrounded by a bunch of clutter or junk. I may have been lying on a bed.

I heard a noise coming from the front door. I became afraid. It sounded like someone was breaking into the house. There was a shattering and jangling, like breaking glass and metal.

I stood up and ran to the front door. The front door had something like a black-painted metal, folding bed frame (with clear white Christmas lights on it?) leaning against it, keeping it from opening. Someone was pushing and pushing at the door to get it. I thought, or imagined, that the person was a big, overweight, Italian (?) man.

I was angry that anybody would try to get into this place. (It might have been my place.) But when I looked behind the door -- the person had managed to open it slightly -- I saw that the person on the other side was one of the heads of my department, DM.

I was relieved. DM walked in, as if the door were now wide open. I realized my mother had put this huge bed frame in front of the door simply to get me into a scared condition  whenever anybody came to the house. DM and I may now have been speaking about something.

Dream #2

I stood before a coffee counter in an office space. The counter wasn't separated off into a pantry room. Instead, it was right in front of a bunch of cubicles. I stood to the left of one of my senior co-workers, DS, who was making some coffee. Before me and off to the left (my left) of the counter was a doorway to a dark room

DS was complaining about the coffee in this place. I joked about how we should get an office-sized french press coffee maker. I imagined a large, stainless steel vessel shaped like a futuristic version of an old-style coffee pot, and how awkward it would be to hold such a thing.

DS said something about how that wouldn't work. I laughed and was about to joke again (although I didn't believe what I was saying (???!!!) ) that a french press would be too classy for my company. But as I was in mid-sentence, looking to my right to regard DS, I saw the department head, DM, sitting on the floor in a dark, smallish closet space. I stopped saying anything. I didn't want DM to think I was seriously insulting the company.

(7/26/08) fool in the rain; guard the house; interior design gift

(Entered in paper journal at 8:32 AM at Flying Saucer cafe in Brooklyn.)

Dream #1

I walked on concrete walkway before first-floor apartments in an outdoor apartment complex. I was walking with DM, one of the heads of my company's research department. We may have been among a small group of people. DM and I were speaking about something business-related. I was trying to impress DM with my intelligence.

We turned and walked up a stairwell. I was opening up an envelope from the Department of the Treasury. I thought it would be really impressive if I got a letter from Treasury saying how smart they thought I was, especially right in front of DM.

But the contents of the envelope were a packet of forms, with yellow, carbon-copy pages, and a piece of paper (or a Post-It Note?) on the front telling me I hadn't yet filled out a registration that would allow me to trade commodities (which would have nothing to do with my job in waking life, anyway...).

DM asked me why I hadn't gotten my commodities registration yet. She told me to take care of it right away. She told me so gently, but I could tell she was really disappointed that I hadn't done it yet.

We walked into a small office that was almost like a principal's secretary's office space, or a dumpy, small office in a small town. I walked into a small meeting room. The area was very narrow, with a long, narrow table that almost filled the entire room. The light was a bleak, greenish fluorescent.

I sat down at an end of the table. The table was full. All the other people were older, grizzled-looking men in outdated suits and with awful hairstyles.

The men were all talking about who should be able to speak or who should be able to make ideas for this recurring meeting. One man, a black man wearing a green sweater and a tan blazer, and with huge, puffy hair and a fat mustache, was saying that he should do it.

Some other man, an oldish, fattish, white man with a dollop of hair and wearing a white polo shirt, said, "You always suggest that you should be in charge. That shows you aren't mature enough to be in charge yet."

Everybody kind of chuckled. There were two other black people at the table who kind of agreed with the white man. The discussion tended more toward a group of people, rather than one individual, being in charge of these meetings.

One of the black men struck me as very familiar. He had a dull but violent look to him. His expression was almost dead, decaying. His right eye didn't seem to work. It might even have been clouded over with grey. I tried very hard to figure out where I knew him from. I thought he was someone from my neighborhood, following me around town.

The man was sitting near the right, front corner of the table (if I sat at the back, left end). But now he sat at the head of the table, on the left side.

The man said, "And why were you out on the street, standing in the rain in only your underwear, shouting out such weird things? Do you think that makes a good impression for our group?"

I thought this was kind of funny -- someone standing out in the rain in their underwear, acting crazy. I was trying to figure out which person here would have done something like that.

The man said, "Are you paying attention? I'm talking to you." I felt like the man was talking to me. I looked at him. He was looking at me. His eyes looked almost dead. Everybody else was looking at me as well. They were all silent.

I tried to figure out when I had done what the  man had said I'd done. I couldn't remember having done it, but somehow it seemed reasonable to think that I had done it.

Dream #2

I was in "my mom's house," which was like the house my family had lived in during my last three years of high school. My family was gone. I was watching the place for them.

It was night. I was going to be. I went into my mom's bedroom. The room was empty except for three beds, which were evenly spaced along the back wall. The floor was tile, grey or white. The beds were all small, maybe two and a half feet across, very boxy-looking, with only white sheets on them. The sheets were all slightly disheveled.

I was about to lay down in my mom's bed. But I suddenly realized that this place wasn't safe. I had to lock every door so nobody could get in -- a lot of people were trying to get into this place.

I first locked the front door. It had a normal padlock on it, but it seemed like there was a lot of junk and clutter in front of the door, so that it was difficult to reach the lock.

The effort made me feel like not going through the trouble of locking the other doors. But then I thought of the backdoor. At first I thought it would be reasonable to think that nobody would take the trouble to go all the way around to the backyard to get into the house. But then I realized that the house had been broken into before just because someone had left the backdoor open.

I walked through the dim kitchen (it seems like the only light on was in the living room, and that the other rooms were dim, catching whatever light they could from the living room) and to the backdoor, which may have been on a side wall. The lock was big and made of dull, silver metal with two thick, black cords looping from top to bottom. It somehow reminded me of  a medical device.

I locked the door. But I still felt I wasn't safe. The windows were all unlocked. Plus, people could see me through the windows. If the wrong people saw me, they';d want to get at me, even if they had to break the windows to get into this place.

I was about to lock the windows, but the phone rang. The phone was sitting on the couch. I knelt on the floor and leaned against the front of the couch. I picked up the phone. I was in a really casual posture, like I might be in if I were speaking with a good friend.

The person on the other line was a no-good person. She was a white girl, about my brother's age. She thought I was my brother. I kind of let her keep thinking I was my brother. The girl was talking nice to me, trying to convince me I should let her into the place. I knew the woman was being put up to this by a group of trashy guys (white, hippie-ish looking) who wanted to attack my brother and take his money.

I told the girl something like I couldn't let her into the house because I was leaving soon, anyway. I thought if I could convince the woman I was leaving, I would then sneak through the house without being seen through the windows (none of which had any curtains) and turn off the lights. That way the people would think my brother had left the house, and they wouldn't bother me. I thought I'd lay in bed but probably not sleep, just in case somebody tried to break into the house anyway.

Then I realized my plan might be worthless already. It was so dark outside that nothing could be seen. There may even at this moment have been people outside the windows, looking directly in at me. I felt like I was already done for.

Dream #3

It was night. I stood on a sidewalk corner that was lit by orange streetlamp light. The corner faced a wide street that spanned off straight along to my right into the blackness of the desert, or perhaps over a wide river.

To my right was parked a semi-truck, its back end facing me. An oldish, toughish-looking, black man dressed in clothes like a freight-lifter might wear (darkish blue jacket and pants and a wool cap?) stood to my right.

Somewhere a radio was playing something like the transmission's from my company's morning meeting between the Research and Sales departments. News had come in that one of our analysts, DB, was going to upgrade a stock (a stock which, I believe, I had, within the few months before this dream, lost about 30% on -- the day after having bought the stock).

I suddenly knew why DB was upgrading the stock. The stock, I knew, would finally go back up to the price at which I had bought it. I would sell it as soon as it got there. The reason it was going up was, I thought, and then said out loud, right as the radio said the exact same thing, "Because it's getting bought out by a manufacturer!"

I smiled in triumph and looked up at the man beside me. He smiled back, knowing I'd just been a part of some really cool stock trading event.

The man and I crossed the street. I turned right and started walking up the "Brooklyn Bridge." It was the deep of night, but there were still a few people heading up and down the bridge.

I felt suspicious of all these people, like they'd know I'd had a good trading moment with a stock, and like they'd want to take my money because of it. But I thought, I don't have any money from the trade. I only got myself back to break-even.

The bridge I was on looked more like the Manhattan Bridge than the Brooklyn Bridge, with the walkways on the sides, and with stone arches over the walkways occasionally. But it was incredibly long, like it spanned over an enormous river.

I thought to myself, I didn't know this was going to happen with that stock when I bought it. But I also didn't know the same manufacturer was going to buy that other company, either. (A previous stock I'd bought had, in waking life, been bought by the manufacturer, sending the stock I'd bought up by about 40% soon after I'd bought it. It was luck -- I hadn't foreseen the buyout at all.) I thought, It looks like I'll always just be an accidental buyer of stocks whose prices go way up when they get taken out by this manufacturer!

For a moment I felt like I was psychic. How else could I have been so lucky twice? But then I told myself again, Nothing really great happened to you. You didn't make a ton of money off this deal. You broke even.

I was starting to feel winded by the walk. The bridge was so much steeper than I'd remembered, and it seemed to be so long. But, I thought to myself, I always take the bridge from Manhattan back home to Brooklyn. I seldom take it from Brooklyn into Manhattan. It's obviously more difficult this way because I'm going up instead of down.

I told myself to brace up and cross the bridge. I'd crossed it so many times before; I couldn't not cross it now. Suddenly the way flattened out. The bridge opened out into a wide street full of cars and edged with an area full of lit buildings. It might have been raining a little. I was slightly disappointed taht the bridge had suddenly been crossed so easily.

I was now walking through a building like a furntiture store or a museum of interior design. The front of the place had been like a warehouse, or lie the "ABC" design store just north of Union Square. Daylight came in through wide window walls. The place was full of beautiful items.

I was with a group of people, possibly older, somewhat wealthy, white people, and maybe also one or two female relatives of the people, who were about my age. We all turned right and walked into a small hallway that had small displays that were set into the walls. The displays were of china and porcelain figures and furniture like wood-and-leather chairs.

We stood at the intersection of a few different hallways. The "father" of the group said, "Yeah, we're all a bunch of tourists, or, at least we're acting like tourists right now. Too bad for us if we are, I guess." He walked through a hallway up and to the left.

I hesitated before following. I thought to myself, He said that just to piss me off. I came here to have fun with these guys. But this guy chose this activity because he thought it was something I wouldn't like. He thought I'd think it was too touristy! He wanted to make me feel like I had no control over what we did, that I'd have to so something, even if I didn't like it.

For a moment I thought I'd just leave, just to show the "father" that I could control what I did and didn't do. But then I reminded myself that I actually did like what we were doing. I told myself I should just hang out and have a good time, regardless of how controlling the "father" thought he was being.

I walked into the room with everybody else. This room looked like ABC as well, except smaller. It was also full, with beautiful merchandise everywhere. There were beautiful, clear, colored-glass plates, bowls, and other vessels all over the place. Some items had golden and silver line-drawings on them, something like peacock designs. There wee a lot of red, blue, and black vessels. The black vessels, unlike the other vessels, weren't transparent.

I couldn't remember the name of this place. But I tried hard to recall it. I wanted to ask my girlfriend H next time I saw her if she'd ever been here and what she'd thought of it.

Suddenly I remembered -- the place was called Shiseido. As soon as I remembered the name of the place, I found a little, black, glass vessel, rectangular, about two inches wide and three inches long. I thought this was perfect for H. I decided I'd get it for her.

The people with me (not the same as the people who'd been with me before) made a half-joking, half-positive comment about my buying a present for H. I felt like they thought I was a little silly, a little cute, and goodhearted overall. I felt proud. I may have paid for the item at a crowded counter where I could barely see the cashier.

Suddenly H was here and she had the present. H was a tallish, thin, girl from India (instead of being Japanese). She wore a tiny, purple shirt and thin jeans which may also have had a purplish tint. She was so happy to receive a gift from me. We sat in a big, green chair. She sat on my lap. I kind of cradled her.

(11/30/08) protection lost; return of the bugs; bug operation

(Entered in paper journal at 8:19 AM at Connecticut Muffin in Windsor Terrace, Brooklyn.)

Dream #1

I was walking down a long staircase like a courtyard with tall, pink, sandstone (?) walls. It was night. The long walkway had a stairway on either side, and in between was an area filled with vegetation, possibly trees and shrubs. There was a huge cupola structure in the center of this area.

I had walked into "my room," as if this place were a college residence. I lay on my bed, the door to my room possibly still open. It was raining outside.

I heard somebody -- in another room, but within earshot of mine, as if we were in adjoining cubicles of an office -- talking about how announcements for who would get fired would actually be today. I had a feeling that I myself would get fired.

I decided to head down to the office of one of the heads of my department, DM, to talk to DM, just to be friendly. I hoped DM wouldn't think that I was talking to her just in order to save my job.

I had a device like a camera on my bed. The camera was broken and I was playing with some kind of glass tube attached to some plastic gadget. The glass tube was filled with a black, powdery substance that might also have been moist or liquidy, blue ink. I took this tube and device with me.

I now stood with my girlfriend H outside the gates of some place like an estate. The light was like early morning, darkish grey, as if invisible clouds were covering the sky. The area all around us was like a desert wood, like a pinon-juniper forest.

I looked behind us to the thick, pink-red stone gates. Behind the gates the land seemed to dome up a bit. Near the top of the dome I could see the dome of a beautiful building that was made of heavy grey and pink stone, looming just over the vegetation.

Looking forward I noticed how much more tangled and wild the vegetation looked.

H asked me, "If we sleep outside the gates, are we going to be able to keep the vampires away?"

I knew we would sleep in a cupola-like (or gazebo-like?) structure that was like a "camp house" tonight. Within the gates we were protected from vampires. Out here, we really weren't. But I told H we would be fine, even though I wasn't sure that was true.

I didn't know if we could go back behind the gates. I might have needed or wanted to do something beyond the gates, anyway.

Dream #2

I was in "my bathroom." It was night. There may have been a light on somewhere, but probably not in the bathroom. I walked out and caught a view from the corner of my eye (on my right side) of a shirt (? -- maybe red, possibly a bandana or a rag instead of a shirt) with a few flecks on it. There were also some flecks around the piece of cloth. I wondered how this dirty stuff got into my house.

I looked closer to figure out what the flecks were. They were pill-shaped, little, brown things. I then recognized they were roaches. Something about them looked less "dry" than roaches, somewhat liquidy or gooey. At first I thought all the roaches were dead. But now they started to move. I could tell they were just now reviving and that they would disperse and multiply if I didn't stop them right now.

I ran into my kitchen and grabbed a green can of Raid out from the cupboard below my sink. I was in total desperation -- I thought I had finally gotten rid of the roaches in my house. But here they were, all back.

From the time I had headed to the kitchen, I had been moaning in sorrow and fear. Tears were streaming down my face. The can of Raid had a thick, rubbery or plasticky nozzle with a green, plastic tube sticking out of it, like the red, plastic tube sticking out of the nozzle of a can of WD-40, except that this tube was a little shorter and stubbier.

Still moaning and crying, I stood before the doorway to the bathroom. The door was only half open. I stuck my right arm in with the can of Raid. I sprayed the Raid. The spray came out in a continuous mist, much more moist than the normal aerosol spray. I kept spraying and spraying.

Even though I had averted my eyes, I could see that some roaches were standing up, trying to get away from the poison. I did my best to spray every inch of the floor, so that no bugs could escape. The spray was collecting on the floor in pools. I now hoped I would be able to drown all the roaches.

Dream #3

I was down in the basement of a house, possibly in "my mom's house." The basement was big and somehow nice, but it was cluttered, both with furniture and things like clothes. I stood in a small clearing in all this space and stuff.

I stood before a television which may have been playing a music video by Smash Mouth. The music video may have been showing a montage of gogo dancers (possibly including one dressed up like Wonder Woman).

I was dancing along with the video, and may have been or have thought of myself as a woman. As I danced, my mom (?) looked down the stairwell to me -- even though there couldn't have gotten a view of me at all from the top of the tall, twisty stairwell. I kept dancing, thinking I was a pretty good performer.

My sister (?) and brother came downstairs, each possibly carrying a board game. My sister may have asked me something about dancing. We started discussing dancing (or whatever) as I continued to dance. My brother kept trying to get my attention, but I was having a hard enough time focusing on what my sister was saying.

Suddenly my brother burst out in an hysterical laugh (which seemed to produce in my mind little, brown, pill-shaped images, like bugs). He walked back up the stairs, continuing his hysterical laughter. I felt bad, like I had hurt my brother by ignoring him.

I followed my brother upstairs. When I got upstairs I saw my brother (as a kid?) standing before my mother in a big, but dirty, kitchen. The sunlight in the kitchen was bright, yellow, and warm. My brother held a game like Operation in his arms. The organs for the game were, I knew, brown and pill-shaped, like bugs.

My brother was acting like (perhaps in truth) the only reason for his laughter was that he had finally succeeded in figuring out how to play this game. But looking at my brother's face, I could see that my brother was in intense pain.

(I woke from this dream to the laughter of a person down on the sidewalk below my bedroom window. The person was laughing really loud, hysterically. The two people were speaking back and forth in Spanish.)