As this notebook begins, I have been been more or less "really" promoted within my company. I had, as I remember it, been officially, but not quite practically, promoted in April of 2008, from an Administrative Assistant within the Equity Research department of my company to a first-year Research Analyst.
I had had trouble actually getting moved from my admin role to the research role after getting promoted. Nowadays, I'm not sure whether that was due to my boss BS, who really didn't want to lose me as an assistant, or due to myself -- I'm not sure I felt like I wanted to lose control of my administrative duties! I actually like the administrative role of working at companies.
At that time in my life I did have a goal of becoming a CEO, and I did think of a CEO's role as being largely administrative. So I didn't want to lose control of my administrative abilities by becoming a Research Analyst only -- a role I thought was a bit lazy, where skill was often judged by how many hours straight you could sit in a chair and how well you could grease a person into thinking the way you did.
But the movement into the Research Analyst position did give me what I felt was a "title," something I never thought I'd actually attain in my life. It also allowed my name to be printed on my company's research reports, which meant, in some way, that I was having "my" writing "published" -- something I, again, never really thought would happen for me in my life. So I wanted the move, while, at the same time, I didn't want it.
There was also a bit of conflict throughout this time period regarding who I'd actually work for as a Research Analyst. My hope had been that I could switch teams. My boss BS was a bit overbearing, and I often felt held down by him rather than built up. I wanted to get into a team where I could feel a bit of independence from the working habits BS and I had developed.
But no other team would take me. In the Research and Sales departments, I was regarded as being very intelligent. But I didn't have the pieces of paper, the credentials, that make what Wall Street (for better or worse or whatever) considers a real Research Analyst. I, of course, refused to see things this way. I just simply figured that my boss BS was somehow keeping all other teams from accepting me, that he was holding me down, as usual. This was really unfair to BS.
So all these elements kind of complicated my "real," practical move out of my admin role and into my research role until right about the time I began this notebook.
During this time period I was also studying for and taking my FINRA licensing tests. I passed all of my tests, except for my Series 86, which I took in August. I failed that test by two points.
Basically, I got through my Series 86 test with 60 minutes left -- enough time to proofread my test. I needed to go to the restroom. But I was paranoid that if I left my computer, one of the test center workers would come in and screw up all my answers. So instead of getting up, going to the restroom, coming back, and proofreading my test, I just hit submit, so I could tally my answers and go to the restroom. That stupid choice held me back from being fully licensed for another month.
I think one thing my dreams reflect from this time period is the deepening sense of how bad the financial crisis really was. One piece of evidence for that was the number of people who were voluntarily leaving my company. Every day, some new person would announce they were quitting, changing banks, changing industries, taking time off, etc. BS' own team changed its structure a number of times.
But the real sense of the deepening crisis is evidenced in some of the dreams reflecting my own sense of guilt. There are dreams where I see myself as being a murderer, or being assigned to research murder.
Also during this time of my life I -- lost my virginity. My girlfriend H, who was really the first girlfriend I'd had in almost ten years, was the first girl I'd ever been with. I think we first had sex in August of 2008. It was a pretty simple thing. We were sitting outside her house. I had explained to her before that I hadn't had sex. But maybe I hadn't stated things so clearly. I must have stated it to her pretty clearly. She basically took me by the hand, took me into her house, and took my virginity.
H and I continued a sexual relationship for about the next year. But, toward the middle of 2009, I, worn down by the psychological effects of being fired and feeling aimless and abandoned, and of having my grandfather die, managed to mess up a number of commitments I had to H. My failure in these commitments made H, I feel, less committed to me. We drifted apart physically, even though we remained extremely good friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment