(Entered in paper journal at 6:30 AM on Q-train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.)
Dream #1
I floated through a house that looked like the house my family lived in during my last years of high school. There was clutter everywhere, whole mountains of chairs, boxes, and other stuff, making the moving space very crowded.
I saw a spider walk across the floor. At first I thought the spider was a scorpion. But I looked closer. The insect looked like a white crab with a flat shell about six inches in diameter and with two cylinders sticking off the top. The cylinders would lift up, rotate, and drop down. Something inside them could clatter-shunk down, like the sound from an aerosol-spray can, except heavier. These cylinders were fangs. I floated farther and now saw a tiny scorpion run across the floor.
I had floated almost to the back end of the room. I now floated toward the front, toward the door. I was trying to get out of this place as soon as possible. I felt a poisonous insect floating near me. I thought that all the clutter was so close that even if there weren't any floating insects, one of the walking insects could easily jump off the clutter and onto me. I was also afraid that my feet floated low enough off the ground that a crawling insect might be able to jump up and poison me.
I saw a man and woman before a pink screen. It was like the man and woman were on TV. The woman stood on the left side; the man, on the right. The woman had black hair done up in a bob. The woman was overweight. She had a homey (not homely) look about her. The man was tallish, skinnyish, maybe in his fifties. His long, scraggly hair was pulled back. He was deeply tanned and wore a sleeveless, grey shirt.
The woman said, "Being in Atlanta, I never thought I could find someone to do heroin with me. But then I found him. He not only does it; he shoots it into his neck. And he shoots it into himself. I never thought I would find anybody like that!"
The man now brought up a syringe, the cylinder of which was maybe six inches long, with a needle just as long. The plunger of the syringe pressed downward into the cylinder. I watched the man stick himself with the needle and then inject himself with the substance in the syringe.
I was afraid to watch. I couldn't bear to think how it would feel for me. I also didn't watch as the drugs took effect and the man's mind became deranged.
Showing posts with label spider. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spider. Show all posts
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
(7/2/08) the fickle spider
(Entered in paper journal at 6:15 AM on Q-train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.)
Dream #1
I was in a dimmish building with a big group of people. The place may have been like a summer camp, although we were all adults. The room may have had long tables throughout, like a cafeteria. Some natural light came in through short, wide windows. I stood before a tallish, pretty, brown-haired woman. Between us was a square, dark, wooden column.
The woman either grabbed a spider from off the column or opened her hand to show me that she had a spider. The spider was big, with a furry, beige body and almost translucent, red legs. Its mouth had milky, purple, roundish (jaws? fangs?). The spider seemed complacent at first, but then somehow got panicked and was about to bite the woman.
The woman let the spider walk on the column. As she did, a man walked up to us. He and the woman started talking, and I started walking away. As I did, I noticed that the spider had become friendly again and was climbing back into the woman's hand.
Dream #1
I was in a dimmish building with a big group of people. The place may have been like a summer camp, although we were all adults. The room may have had long tables throughout, like a cafeteria. Some natural light came in through short, wide windows. I stood before a tallish, pretty, brown-haired woman. Between us was a square, dark, wooden column.
The woman either grabbed a spider from off the column or opened her hand to show me that she had a spider. The spider was big, with a furry, beige body and almost translucent, red legs. Its mouth had milky, purple, roundish (jaws? fangs?). The spider seemed complacent at first, but then somehow got panicked and was about to bite the woman.
The woman let the spider walk on the column. As she did, a man walked up to us. He and the woman started talking, and I started walking away. As I did, I noticed that the spider had become friendly again and was climbing back into the woman's hand.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
(12/11/08) spider in my room
(Entered in paper journal at 6:35 AM on Q-train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.)
Dream #1
I was in "my bedroom." I may have had a black or grey blanket on my bed. The room was dim with light coming only from the hallway or a different room. I may have been thinking gladly to myself how my room was free of bugs. I might have been afraid of that changing.
As I lay down for bed, something jumped off the wall, onto my blanket (which was all crumpled up on my bed). The thing was some kind of bug, but it looked like a little piece of trash. It moved around. It appeared to be all legs. At first it may have "had"/"been" only six or four legs. The legs were one-eighth of an inch long and translucent, with spherical tips. They seemed more like fangs than legs to me.
As the spider moved along, it "opened out," its legs now being long, black and white striped, thin, and half an inch long. The previous "legs" had coalesced into a sort of body.
I was trying to get the spider off my bed, but I didn't want to kill it or touch it. I would try to blow it off my bed, but it would constantly hold its place.
At some point I may have succeeded in getting the spider off my bed. I may then have chased it around the room, trying to get it even farther away from me, until it ended up, somehow, back on my bed.
At last I may have smashed the spider with a shoe or a book or something flat, like a board or a stiff piece of paper. But even then all that happened was that the spider was no longer there. It may have been gone, or it may have hidden under a fold, just as easily as it may have been smashed.
Dream #1
I was in "my bedroom." I may have had a black or grey blanket on my bed. The room was dim with light coming only from the hallway or a different room. I may have been thinking gladly to myself how my room was free of bugs. I might have been afraid of that changing.
As I lay down for bed, something jumped off the wall, onto my blanket (which was all crumpled up on my bed). The thing was some kind of bug, but it looked like a little piece of trash. It moved around. It appeared to be all legs. At first it may have "had"/"been" only six or four legs. The legs were one-eighth of an inch long and translucent, with spherical tips. They seemed more like fangs than legs to me.
As the spider moved along, it "opened out," its legs now being long, black and white striped, thin, and half an inch long. The previous "legs" had coalesced into a sort of body.
I was trying to get the spider off my bed, but I didn't want to kill it or touch it. I would try to blow it off my bed, but it would constantly hold its place.
At some point I may have succeeded in getting the spider off my bed. I may then have chased it around the room, trying to get it even farther away from me, until it ended up, somehow, back on my bed.
At last I may have smashed the spider with a shoe or a book or something flat, like a board or a stiff piece of paper. But even then all that happened was that the spider was no longer there. It may have been gone, or it may have hidden under a fold, just as easily as it may have been smashed.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
(4/2/09) killing the spider; anime library; chasing the ceo
(Entered in paper journal at 8:30 AM at Red Horse cafe in Brooklyn.)
Dream #1
It was night. I lay in a wide bed like a hotel bed, with a synthetic-feeling coverlet over me. To my right was a sliding-glass door, which was messy with soild and showed pale, electric blue light, like from a car's headlights, somewhere in the distance (though the door opened to a backyard, not to a front yard with a road).
I looked over the right side of the bed and saw a spider crawl under the bed. The floor was a mess, cluttered with dusty items like cushions and boards. The spider was like a daddy long legs with a metallic, blue-purple body.
I "remembered" my psychiatrist A having told me at our last session, "Now, don't you kill any spiders." (In waking life, my psychiatrist had actually told me to make sure I didn't get another job until my "inactive" period with my current job -- where I was technically still an employee, though I was already basically laid off and no longer coming into work -- was finished and I was finally unemployed, i.e. about mid-April.)
But for some reason I thought, Well, killing one spider isn't all that bad. I couldn't stand the thought of having a pest in my room. I rolled off the bed and looked under it to see where the spider was. I saw it near the wall, near the head of the bed
I stood up and walked to the bathroom to grab something to smash the spider with. I came out with something, probably an unwieldy, dark square of material (when I'd meant to get a bit of toilet paper).
I turned on my bedroom light. The light was just a table lamp, dim, at the opposite end of the room from me, at the head of my bed, on its left side. Most of the room was still dark. The place was cluttered and dusty. There was another bed to the left of my bed. That bed was cluttered with stuff, including a foam mat that lay half on and off the bed. But the left side of my bed was also cluttered.
I was afraid to step in the space between the two beds. I thought the floor under the left bed was so dirty that mice probably lived under it. I was afraid that if I caused any vibrations in the floor, the mice would come out, which would be really annoying and would dissolve my sense of "having a clean room."
I walked between the beds, anyway. I kneed my way up onto the right bed. I thought the spider would eventually crawl up the wall, at which point i could smash it. But looking at the head of my bed, I now saw that the right pillow, on which I had laid my head, had a blanket of cobweb from its corner to the wall. I knew this cobweb was the spider's web, and that it had been here for a while.
I couldn't stand the thought that I had lived so long with the spider so close to my head while I slept. I thought something like, Well, it's too late now. But I still tried to convince myself that somehow I hadn't slept with my head so close to the spider, and that the web couldn't have been there for very long.
I thought that I should at least pull the web out, now that I saw it. But when I reached at it (parts of it now looked like a web), I noticed that the spider, now smaller and greyish, was posed in the bottom half of the web. I was afraid that by pulling out the web I'd make the spider angry. But I knew I had to do it, anyway, to start to make my room clean again.
I pulled the web off the wall. It now hung down off my pillow. I might have pulled the web the rest of the way off my pillow. But I now saw that the spider was angry. That was enough to scare me. But now I also saw that the spider was thing and long-legged, like before, and that its body was jet black with a red hourglass on it. I thought, It's a black widow!
I stood off my bed and backed away from it. The spider now charged down the bed and onto the floor, coming after me. The spider had stubby legs and a squarish, crab-like body, black with red mottling. It had red jaws and two big, round, black eyes. It was maybe three-quarters of an inch wide. I backed all the way back to the bathroom doorway. The spider and I may then have been at a standstill.
Dream #2
I was in something like a library or bookshop that had a cafe in it. The place had a very "strip-mall" feel -- white-walled, tall, wide, with thin carpet and wide-spaced shelves. The cafe area was just a few tables spread out in an open space among shelves. The place was moderately busy.
I stood at a revolving carousel of books. The shelves were clear and plastic. The carousel was about seven feet high.
My girlfriend H sat at a table with a friend. They may have spoken back and forth in both Japanese and English. They were talking about me and the books I was looking at. I was probably looking at manga novels, though I may also have been looking at anime DVDs.
I was looking, H and her friend said, at some classic manga, but also at some manga that either H or her friend was not familiar with. One of the two began to explain to the other what this anime/manga was all about. The person then sang the theme song, which sounded like a song from a recent (in 2009) anime about a boy who dresses up as a girl so he can go to a girls' school. I was ashamed that H and her friend liked this anime. But H and her friend didn't seem to worried about the fact that I liked the anime.
The top shelf of the carousel had tiny books, maybe two and a half inches tall and one and half inches wide, and maybe a quarter of an inch thick. The rest of the shelves were now filled with DVDs. A couple of DVD cases were patterned with orange and black tiger stripes. These cases were for DVDs of an anime show I really liked.
H and her friend now spoke about this show and how much they liked it, mostly because they wanted to sound like they were interested in me, so I would get interested in them. The more H and her friend spoke, though, the more, I noticed, the DVDs for the show filled the carousel. Now almost all the DVDs on the carousel were DVDs for that show.
At some point H and her friend were discussing specific words in the show's theme song. I felt weird, again, about what the two girls were discussing, as if those particular words would reveal something about me that I didn't want known.
Dream #3
I was in a restaurant with a friend. We sat at a booth table which was like a large car's interior set into a very small bedroom. The room had white walls and a window on one wall, almost the height of the entire wall. There might have been blinds over the window.
The table area had no table, but something like a grouping of gear-shift knobs and levers encased in black plastic and slightly metallic, green imitation leather. The booth seats were like bench seats, although somehow it was also possible to sit and look forward out the window, as if sitting in bucket seats.
I sat across from (or, sometimes, beside) a pretty, young woman who possibly had olive skin and brown hair. We were waiting for guests for a business meal, probably breakfast or lunch. In particular we were waiting for the CEO of the company from which I had recently been laid off.
Through the window I could see beyond the "restaurant's parking lot and across a street to a tan-bricked office building in a business park. There were green mounds of grass before the building and blue sky over it.
I saw the CEO outside the building. I explained something to the woman about how all the guests would be late, but how a lot of them would make it. I was particularly sure that the CEO would make it. I didn't feel like I sounded too convincing. I now sat "forward" in my seat, like I would sit in a bucket seat.
I now saw the CEO walking just outside the window. I said, "Ha! The CEO is just outside! That means he's coming really soon." I got up and ran outside to meet the CEO. I knew he was with a group of tall, young, strong businessmen, who accompanied him just about everywhere.
But when I got outside, I couldn't see the CEO anywhere. I was with a group of people outside. The parking lot was like a strip of asphalt road among dusty desert hills, dirt roads, and chain link fences, all under a clear, blue sky.
We all looked up and down the road for the CEO. Now the CEO came speeding down the road, from our left, heading toward the "restaurant" in a pale, metallic blue, Porsche-like car. We were all happy that the CEO was finally here. We all started walking back toward the building. I may have been at the back of the line of people walking back.
Now the CEO sped away from the building. I realized that the CEO couldn't find a parking space, which was equivalent with not being able to locate where our group was meeting. I ran after the CEO so I could tell him where we were.
But now the CEO's car sped back toward the "restaurant." I ran back to the "restaurant" so I could find the CEO and lead him to where our group was meeting. I ran through the building, which was now like a mix of warehouse space and office hallways.
I opened one of the doors in a hallway. The whole group was sitting at the booth table. I asked everybody if they'd seen the CEO. They said they had, but that he'd walked past this booth as if he hadn't recognized that this was where he should be.
I ran back in the direction I had come from, to catch the CEO before he got back in his car. I ran through a large warehouse space (actually like the loading dock area at the Manhattan Houston Street UPS building, where I worked for a while in 2000 in waking life).
I now saw one of my friends or co-workers running outside the gates. The man was tall and tan, with flowing, red hair and a short beard. He wore a green t-shirt and jean shorts. He was muscular.
The man "told" me (as if he was speaking from just behind me and to my right) something like "I guess we're in this together if no one else wants to look." But I felt like the man was running "with" me only to compete against me. I ran even faster and was now outside. The man was just ahead of me, but I was catching up. But then I really started to lose my breath.
We ran along a dark, black asphalt road. We saw the CEO run or drive over a large, lawny hill before us. The man easily ascended the hill. My lungs felt shot, and my legs were barely controllable. I kept going, just out of determination. But the man easily gained ground over me.
(The next part may possibly be a loose imagination after I woke up.)
The man got up to the top of the hill. A football hit him from the right and knocked him over. I knew that the CEO had thrown the ball from down the hill.
I stopped, still a little distance behind the man. I now heard the CEO joking with the man, saying, "Well, sounds like you couldn't stand being in that meeting, either, huh?"
I felt like the CEO was kind of, but not really, including me in the conversation. After all, I hadn't made it to the top of the hill first. But I also thought, like I was speaking to the CEO, It's not that we couldn't stand being in the meeting. We were looking for you, to try to get you into the meeting!
Dream #1
It was night. I lay in a wide bed like a hotel bed, with a synthetic-feeling coverlet over me. To my right was a sliding-glass door, which was messy with soild and showed pale, electric blue light, like from a car's headlights, somewhere in the distance (though the door opened to a backyard, not to a front yard with a road).
I looked over the right side of the bed and saw a spider crawl under the bed. The floor was a mess, cluttered with dusty items like cushions and boards. The spider was like a daddy long legs with a metallic, blue-purple body.
I "remembered" my psychiatrist A having told me at our last session, "Now, don't you kill any spiders." (In waking life, my psychiatrist had actually told me to make sure I didn't get another job until my "inactive" period with my current job -- where I was technically still an employee, though I was already basically laid off and no longer coming into work -- was finished and I was finally unemployed, i.e. about mid-April.)
But for some reason I thought, Well, killing one spider isn't all that bad. I couldn't stand the thought of having a pest in my room. I rolled off the bed and looked under it to see where the spider was. I saw it near the wall, near the head of the bed
I stood up and walked to the bathroom to grab something to smash the spider with. I came out with something, probably an unwieldy, dark square of material (when I'd meant to get a bit of toilet paper).
I turned on my bedroom light. The light was just a table lamp, dim, at the opposite end of the room from me, at the head of my bed, on its left side. Most of the room was still dark. The place was cluttered and dusty. There was another bed to the left of my bed. That bed was cluttered with stuff, including a foam mat that lay half on and off the bed. But the left side of my bed was also cluttered.
I was afraid to step in the space between the two beds. I thought the floor under the left bed was so dirty that mice probably lived under it. I was afraid that if I caused any vibrations in the floor, the mice would come out, which would be really annoying and would dissolve my sense of "having a clean room."
I walked between the beds, anyway. I kneed my way up onto the right bed. I thought the spider would eventually crawl up the wall, at which point i could smash it. But looking at the head of my bed, I now saw that the right pillow, on which I had laid my head, had a blanket of cobweb from its corner to the wall. I knew this cobweb was the spider's web, and that it had been here for a while.
I couldn't stand the thought that I had lived so long with the spider so close to my head while I slept. I thought something like, Well, it's too late now. But I still tried to convince myself that somehow I hadn't slept with my head so close to the spider, and that the web couldn't have been there for very long.
I thought that I should at least pull the web out, now that I saw it. But when I reached at it (parts of it now looked like a web), I noticed that the spider, now smaller and greyish, was posed in the bottom half of the web. I was afraid that by pulling out the web I'd make the spider angry. But I knew I had to do it, anyway, to start to make my room clean again.
I pulled the web off the wall. It now hung down off my pillow. I might have pulled the web the rest of the way off my pillow. But I now saw that the spider was angry. That was enough to scare me. But now I also saw that the spider was thing and long-legged, like before, and that its body was jet black with a red hourglass on it. I thought, It's a black widow!
I stood off my bed and backed away from it. The spider now charged down the bed and onto the floor, coming after me. The spider had stubby legs and a squarish, crab-like body, black with red mottling. It had red jaws and two big, round, black eyes. It was maybe three-quarters of an inch wide. I backed all the way back to the bathroom doorway. The spider and I may then have been at a standstill.
Dream #2
I was in something like a library or bookshop that had a cafe in it. The place had a very "strip-mall" feel -- white-walled, tall, wide, with thin carpet and wide-spaced shelves. The cafe area was just a few tables spread out in an open space among shelves. The place was moderately busy.
I stood at a revolving carousel of books. The shelves were clear and plastic. The carousel was about seven feet high.
My girlfriend H sat at a table with a friend. They may have spoken back and forth in both Japanese and English. They were talking about me and the books I was looking at. I was probably looking at manga novels, though I may also have been looking at anime DVDs.
I was looking, H and her friend said, at some classic manga, but also at some manga that either H or her friend was not familiar with. One of the two began to explain to the other what this anime/manga was all about. The person then sang the theme song, which sounded like a song from a recent (in 2009) anime about a boy who dresses up as a girl so he can go to a girls' school. I was ashamed that H and her friend liked this anime. But H and her friend didn't seem to worried about the fact that I liked the anime.
The top shelf of the carousel had tiny books, maybe two and a half inches tall and one and half inches wide, and maybe a quarter of an inch thick. The rest of the shelves were now filled with DVDs. A couple of DVD cases were patterned with orange and black tiger stripes. These cases were for DVDs of an anime show I really liked.
H and her friend now spoke about this show and how much they liked it, mostly because they wanted to sound like they were interested in me, so I would get interested in them. The more H and her friend spoke, though, the more, I noticed, the DVDs for the show filled the carousel. Now almost all the DVDs on the carousel were DVDs for that show.
At some point H and her friend were discussing specific words in the show's theme song. I felt weird, again, about what the two girls were discussing, as if those particular words would reveal something about me that I didn't want known.
Dream #3
I was in a restaurant with a friend. We sat at a booth table which was like a large car's interior set into a very small bedroom. The room had white walls and a window on one wall, almost the height of the entire wall. There might have been blinds over the window.
The table area had no table, but something like a grouping of gear-shift knobs and levers encased in black plastic and slightly metallic, green imitation leather. The booth seats were like bench seats, although somehow it was also possible to sit and look forward out the window, as if sitting in bucket seats.
I sat across from (or, sometimes, beside) a pretty, young woman who possibly had olive skin and brown hair. We were waiting for guests for a business meal, probably breakfast or lunch. In particular we were waiting for the CEO of the company from which I had recently been laid off.
Through the window I could see beyond the "restaurant's parking lot and across a street to a tan-bricked office building in a business park. There were green mounds of grass before the building and blue sky over it.
I saw the CEO outside the building. I explained something to the woman about how all the guests would be late, but how a lot of them would make it. I was particularly sure that the CEO would make it. I didn't feel like I sounded too convincing. I now sat "forward" in my seat, like I would sit in a bucket seat.
I now saw the CEO walking just outside the window. I said, "Ha! The CEO is just outside! That means he's coming really soon." I got up and ran outside to meet the CEO. I knew he was with a group of tall, young, strong businessmen, who accompanied him just about everywhere.
But when I got outside, I couldn't see the CEO anywhere. I was with a group of people outside. The parking lot was like a strip of asphalt road among dusty desert hills, dirt roads, and chain link fences, all under a clear, blue sky.
We all looked up and down the road for the CEO. Now the CEO came speeding down the road, from our left, heading toward the "restaurant" in a pale, metallic blue, Porsche-like car. We were all happy that the CEO was finally here. We all started walking back toward the building. I may have been at the back of the line of people walking back.
Now the CEO sped away from the building. I realized that the CEO couldn't find a parking space, which was equivalent with not being able to locate where our group was meeting. I ran after the CEO so I could tell him where we were.
But now the CEO's car sped back toward the "restaurant." I ran back to the "restaurant" so I could find the CEO and lead him to where our group was meeting. I ran through the building, which was now like a mix of warehouse space and office hallways.
I opened one of the doors in a hallway. The whole group was sitting at the booth table. I asked everybody if they'd seen the CEO. They said they had, but that he'd walked past this booth as if he hadn't recognized that this was where he should be.
I ran back in the direction I had come from, to catch the CEO before he got back in his car. I ran through a large warehouse space (actually like the loading dock area at the Manhattan Houston Street UPS building, where I worked for a while in 2000 in waking life).
I now saw one of my friends or co-workers running outside the gates. The man was tall and tan, with flowing, red hair and a short beard. He wore a green t-shirt and jean shorts. He was muscular.
The man "told" me (as if he was speaking from just behind me and to my right) something like "I guess we're in this together if no one else wants to look." But I felt like the man was running "with" me only to compete against me. I ran even faster and was now outside. The man was just ahead of me, but I was catching up. But then I really started to lose my breath.
We ran along a dark, black asphalt road. We saw the CEO run or drive over a large, lawny hill before us. The man easily ascended the hill. My lungs felt shot, and my legs were barely controllable. I kept going, just out of determination. But the man easily gained ground over me.
(The next part may possibly be a loose imagination after I woke up.)
The man got up to the top of the hill. A football hit him from the right and knocked him over. I knew that the CEO had thrown the ball from down the hill.
I stopped, still a little distance behind the man. I now heard the CEO joking with the man, saying, "Well, sounds like you couldn't stand being in that meeting, either, huh?"
I felt like the CEO was kind of, but not really, including me in the conversation. After all, I hadn't made it to the top of the hill first. But I also thought, like I was speaking to the CEO, It's not that we couldn't stand being in the meeting. We were looking for you, to try to get you into the meeting!
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