Sunday, March 5, 2017

(6/1/05) misbehaving crew mates; waiting for rejection; bullying is cute

(Entered in paper journal at 5:40 AM at home in Harlem.)

Dream 1

I was in a garden behind some building where a training had just taken place for my NYC Americorps program. The building was made of cinder blocks that were painted deep blue. The garden was rough, desert-like, almost weedy looking, with tall spires of thing, glaze-fuzzy plants popping up everywhere. I was kneeling, maybe tying my shoes, below an open grate/window.

I heard my crew chief SM and my crew mate MH speaking. I knew they were going home together, but I wanted to hear them say it right out.

I walked away from the grate to the back of the garden and knelt in some rolling depression by an old wood fence. Behind the fence was a stretch of greenish, scrubby, desert-like hills. The day had been grey. Now it had also gotten a little drizzly.

I could still hear SM and MH. I stood up and then knelt back down to avoid them seeing me. Then they were gone. I stood back up again, happy to be alone.

Now I was on some road. I was with a crew of workers. A skinny-looking, black girl stood at the back of an open pickup truck and giggled shyly like she had done something bad. She knew I (?) should punish her. But she was going to try to trick me into not punishing her. I didn't talk to her. I just walked away. I had a twig of elm leafs in my hand.

Dream 2

I was in an office space which also seemed like a hotel. The space was long and narrow. At the end of the sapce was a small area of closed offices. The rest was cubicles which actually resembled lunch tables with dividing walls.

I sat at one of these tables with a bunch of papers and unmarked computer disks. I was waiting for a beautiful, blonde woman to come out of one of the closed offices and give me a rejection letter for a book I'd written. Everybody around me joked briefly about me.

The lady called me back. I now thought, Since she called me back, there's no way she'll actually reject me. I brought all the disks into the office. Half of the disks were a dull blue; the other half, a vivid blue.

The woman asked me which disk had the file she was looking for. I told her, but neither she nor I was sure I was right. She left the office to find some book or paper that would say the right disk. I divided the disks by shade, hoping this division would prove I was correct.

Dream 3

I looked at two picture frames, each with multiple snapshots. Somebody spoke while I looked at the photos. The photos were of my two oldest nephews (my only two nephews at this time in waking life), D and J.

D and J were naked in all the photos. In the second picture frame the photos depicted (J) being tripped and shoved down, possibly by D, though D was unseen. (J's) genitals were all pixelated, like they were censored for a photo or TV show. But the pixelation made it llok like the genitals were actually a morbid exaggeration of female genitals covered in feces.

My mother now said something like, "Isn't XXXXX" (D?) "a bully? He knocked XXXXX" (J?) "right over. But I guess it's cute.

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