(4/9/06) the unknown flower; failing the confidentiality test

(Entered in paper journal at 9:44 AM at Starbucks on 43rd Street and 3rd Avenue in Manhattan.)

Dream 1

I was in a strange room -- half office, half garden. A big desk and two or three chairs in front of it. It was all like a playroom or nursery, too. I was talking with a blonde businesswoman who told me about classes she had to take to do her job better or get promoted. She was thinking it wasn't worth it or that it was overkill.

I sat down in a chair in front of a chair she sat into. I may have grabbed her hands. I told her, "I think what you're doing is good. You need to keep on with it." I realized, with a bit of pride, that I had said something to make the woman feel really good about herself.

I was over by the flowers. I wanted to ask the woman the name of a flower. But I thought, She's not specializing in flowers. She's specializing in XXXXX. I had a feeling, though, that she still would know the name of the flower. But I got absorbed in looking at the flower and lost attention of the woman.

The flower was like a cup made of long petals which I thought of as lotus petals but which actually seem now more like a mix between daisy and star-magnolia petals. The petals topped out in extra "flesh" and a green ring which evened them out just like a wine glass. Inside was a pistil/stamen (?) (most likely a pistil) that was like a green phallus. The petals were white with a cream-colored tinge that got stronger toward the bottom and center. The flower was at the end of a long, straight, slender stalk.

Dream 2

I was walking with a boss of mine (maybe BS) and a woman who was possibly Hispanic, up to a plaza-type area like in front of the Atlantic Center in Brooklyn, except that this was in front of some art museum. The woman was simultaneously a servant, something like a babysitter, and one of my boss's colleagues. For some reason we three were sliding a baby stroller under the railing by steps up to the plaza.

I started gabbing on and on about some confidential research I'd been doing. My boss interrupted me. My boss said, "That's supposed to be confidential, Preemie."

The woman was walking away. I knew my boss would never trust me again because I had failed in integrity in this one test.

(4/18/06) micro-intervention, possession, and hyperventilation

(Entered in paper journal at 6:31 PM at NYPL Mid-Manhattan Library.)

Dream 1

I stood at the open end of a long, black, narrow room that opened into a wider room that was dim but regular, like a living room. At the far end of the narrow room my coworker CB stood before a black, solid altar or pedestal-like structure. On the structure was a small stand which held either a book or a brain or the floating image of a brain.

The room was for a test -- a fun test but a test just the same. The person at the table or stand had to answer a question, and the answer came from a part of the brain that, for you to pass, gave off a specific signal.

CB was trying to get the answer. But time ran out. In front of a floating image of a brain ran  the words "MICRO INTERVENTION" (?). I feel like she knew the answer but that she didn't say it because she didn't want to look smart in front of me.

I stood by the pedestal now. But CB and my mom (my mom had been beside me as I'd watched CB) were both gone. My mind was a blank. I felt alone. I felt like part of the reason I had been left alone was that I had no social skills.

I went to look for BC and my mom. They were in the kitchen, the only place where a light was on in the house. In front of the kitchen was a curtain like a mesh of thin slats of wood, the slats about one-eighth of an inch wide and one-eight of an inch apart.

I couldn't see through the slats, or, rather, I could only see vague shapes moving. I thought to myself, I act autistic. But I'm not autistic. But there must be some reason I act this way. Some people think it's endearing. But I just think it's boring.

I was now looking through slats that were almost the same. I could hear my mother and CB talking about something very important. But looking through the curtain I felt something very frightening. It was like an animal possessing me. I began hyperventilating. I fell back, crouching, against the wall, almost screaming, but still hyperventilating.

My mom came out of the kitchen with genuine interest but a little nonchalance, to attend to me. She spoke cheerfully to CB: "Yeah, I always have to remember that he has these attacks and he needs to be looked after or else he freaks out."

(7/10/06) floods and nuclear bombs; deadbeat and bloody mouth; lifting up my friend

(Entered in paper journal at 7:25 PM on 4-train from Union Square in Manhattan to home in Brooklyn.)

Dream 1

I drove in a car down a mountain to a place like a headquarters or a visitor center. It was a sunny day. I was in the car with someone like my brother. We were halfway through some task. Down by the visitor center we spoke of approaching nuclear bombs.

Then the land was suddenly flooded, as if out of nowhere. Only vegetative stalks were above the ground. But it was still the same same calm, sunny day, and my brother and I were still talking about the encroaching nuclear bombs.

Then I heard my friend M from my Americorps NYC Parks program as if I was talking with her on the phone. M was joking with friends about going "up the river" (to prison?). Then the joke was serious. M asked me why I didn't call her after finding out she had gone "up the river," or why I didn't write her letters or say prayers for her.

I saw a piece of notebook paper with a blue crayon drawing of a wood post fence in the corner of some writing. Then the fence was purple. Then it was some kind of opal or clear color with diamonds or sequins hanging off it.

Dream 2

I was in a trailer home like at my Americorps position at Bandelier National Monument. I may have been a woman. There was some projection of a cartoon figure against the door. I wasn't quite looking at it.

The cartoon figure may have been voiced by the man I was in love with. The voice was explaining why the man was nowhere to be found. He was kind of a good-for-nothing. Now someone else was explaining that this guy had better fall back in line. His job wasn't one of the ones people needed when times got tough and when lazy people got laid off.

I realized the people were talking about me. I was now me/the woman. I looked at the cartoon projection, which was some kind of extra furry Yogi Bear face. I realized I may be out of a job as soon as tomorrow.

Something in my sinuses cracked. A pool of blood poured out of my mouth and onto the table I sat at. Two pieces fell out into the pool of blood. One, like a hook-shaped earring back

and the other like a metallic pill with writing on it.

I felt great relief in my sinuses and more worry about my job than about the blood.

Dream 3

I was on a park hilltop with my friend KB. KB was at a picnic bench doing work. She was ranking tests. Somehow scores in the high 600s were good, then nothing was really good until scores got down into the mid-200s, which, to my surprise may have been slightly better (or worse) than the scores in the high 600s.

KB told me she was through ranking the tests. We walked toward steps down the hill as she told me she had put off a report until now. Did I think that was bad?

I said, "No. It's only a three-hundred-word report, and tomorrow she'd still have one and a half days to do it."

I was now holding her, like I was hugging her and arching my back to lazily lift her enough so that her feet wouldn't touch the ground. We walked through

(For some reason my writing just stops.)