(8/1/05) stomach exploded; i came because i was turned on; the city of night and darkness; $220 and 99-cent beach

(Entered in paper journal at 12:30 PM at Starbucks on 43rd Street and 3rd Avenue in Manhattan.)

Dream 1

I was on the side of a wide highway on a mountain slope with my mom. It was a sunny day. the shoulder of the road seems to have been wide, but when I got out of the car I was almost hit a couple times by semi-trucks coming very close to me. They rushed by quickly and violently enough for me almost to be knocked over by the gusts.

My mom, who, while I couldn't see her, sounded more like my old boss KYB from my Americorps program near Los Alamos, told me to get back in the car. I thought I had been thoughtless to get out of the car.

I turned back to get in. The car (which before was a short, dark blue sedan?) was now a white vehicle like a pickup truck with no doors. I stood outside the truck and right beside my mom.

Another truck rushed by. I said, "It's not surprise that friend of my sister's got a burst stomach when he got hit by that truck."

My mom said, "Well, he did die of that burst stomach, but it may not have been just from the truck, and his stomach didn't burst right when the truck hit him."

(As my mom said the following I figured out that my mom actually knew two people who had been killed by a truck and that the kid I thought of had actually been mixed up with someone else. I also mainly saw my mom, but I also saw in my mind's eye some grey, slightly bloodied, plastic device over a bare sternum.)

My mom said, "I was there when he died. He was doing fine, just talking with people and joking. Some people may say he pulled something out of himself, one of the tubes. But he didn't. His stomach just suddenly exploded. The doctors said it had become very weak over a long period of time, maybe only two (weeks/months?).

"When his stomach exploded, he just became quiet. His eyes got really big, and only a small string of blood came out from the corner of his mouth. Just like the other person I know whose stomach exploded. He tried to speak, to scream, but all that came out was a little, scared sigh."

I now either felt or saw the young boy beside my mom, trying to contact me as a ghost.

Dream 2

I went to a restaurant with one or two female friends who were gay. I may have thought I was just going to a dinner alone with them. But it turned out it was a party. I sat at a huge table with a bunch of gay women. The table was a long, narrow oval, and I sat at the bottom end. My one or two friends were all the way at the top of the table.

All the women made comments about men. They said I had come here only because I was turned on by lesbians.

I looked to my left. My friend KB's friend SF was there, wearing a white t-shirt and pink, sweats-like pants. She was a little fatter than she was when I had seen her before. I was a little dejected. When I'd seen her before, I'd been really attracted to her. But now I was less so.

But, still, despite my lowered attraction, and the fact that SF was gay (like she, and my friend KB, were in waking life) I felt like if I only admitted to her that I was attracted to her, she would be with me. But I also wasn't quite convinced that she wouldn't just point me out as a typical male and an object of ridicule. So I couldn't bring myself to tell her anything. SF got frustrated at my indecision and left.

There was a guy a couple chairs down. I couldn't tell if he was gay. He tried to talk to me, just friendly. But I didn't want to talk to him or anybody at this party. I saw that about half the party had secretly left, anyway, including my two friends. I felt awful to think I had actually let myself believe I could make meaningful friendships with anybody.

Now, apparently, I was drunk. This guy and I were yelling at and making fun of everybody in the restaurant. But at some point I couldn't remember what I had said, and I was afraid I had unintentionally made derogatory comments about gay people.

Dream 3

It was a foggy night. I was walking on a concrete walkway by a concrete or stone building, all very nondescript, yet somehow resembling something old and European. There might have been a canal somewhere.

I turned around. I saw beyond me a city. It almost looked like a movie set of a big city like New York. But the way the fog and darkness surrounded and permeated it made me name it "The Night City" or "The City of Night and Darkness." I felt that if I looked into the folds of fog and darkness I could transport myself to that city. I was mesmerized terrified by the city.

Now I may have woken up. I lay in bed, still half-seeing the city. I saw a series of pathways where I had stood, ramping up in diagonals like ramping driveways in a parking garage or ramping walkways in a stadium.

I told myself, What a vision, and it's a spontaneous imagination, not a dream! if only I could feel myself in the scene.

I told myself, Well, just hold the image in your mind and let yourself fall into the image as a dream state. Now I fell asleep (?) and for a moment I stood staring at the ramping walkways. I tried to look at the city, but I was afraid my imagination couldn't believably construct something so vivid and intriguing.

Dream 4

I was in the backseat, either of a car or a van which my dad was driving. My brother and sister were also there. My dad was taking us to the beach. He had bought some Aloe Vera lotion, which was supposed to be better than sunblock. It was actually like some kind of yogurt, pinkish with strawberry flavor and with greenish jelly-matter in it that was Aloe Vera. I took some and rubbed it all over my stomach.

We had to go into a 99-cent store. I may have bought something. I may have felt guilty for spending money on an item, something like $2.99, especially at a store where things were only supposed to cost ninety-nine cents.

Now we were in a huge parking lot at the beach. The lot was basically empty. The driver was no longer my dad but some blonde guy who looked like a lifeguard or a camp counselor.

I spent a while getting ready to go in the water. I was fumbling around all through the van, in all the seats, picking things up, losing things, changing clothes, getting a towel. Then I was going back and forth between the van and some car at the other end of the parking lot.

My brother and sister had become "a few people I work with," vague people, although I think I may have seen KB at one point taking off her shirt and shorts to reveal a bathing suit.

I fumbled at one point with my wallet. I had a bunch of bills which I was trying to fit into my wallet. I did this right in front of the lifeguard, wondering if displaying my money right in front of somebody was a good idea. Eventually I stuffed all my bills crudely but sufficiently into a surprisingly loose pocket of my wallet.

I now rushed all over the place, looking for my towel. I realized I hadn't brought one and that I'd have to go back to the 99-cent store to buy one for $2.99, which really was more money than I could afford to spend.

But now, rushing once again to the car from the van, I tried desperately to remember whether I hadn't been to the 99-cent store yet today. I knew I had, and that I had bought just what I'd needed. But now I couldn't remember what I needed, even though even now I was looking for it.

I got to the car and realized I had so much to do before I could even get into the water.

I stopped and said, maybe out loud, "It should not take this long to do something as easy as going to the beach!"

Now the blonde leader sat before me in the vehicle, which was now more like a van than a car. He said, "Okay, I've collected today's fee from everybody except you. Once you give me the $220, you're free to go to the beach -- after we go to the dollar store so you can buy a towel."

Now I was even more confused. I knew first of all that I didn't have $220. But I was also trying to remember whether a $220 fee was stated before I'd gotten in the van. I couldn't figure why anybody would pay $220 just to go to the beach for a couple hours. I wasn't convinced I should pay the leader. In fact, I was, probably, more worried about having to go buy a new towel, knowing the trip to the 99-cent store would take a long time.